Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Cutting Past the Pretenses

Today I am left without lofty thoughts and philosophical terms. I am spent beyond my natural reserve and have no energy to be wordy and lengthy in my explanation. It has come to my attention that a friend of mine has some legitimate concerns about our friendship. Let me give you the skinny on what has been my situation in past few months.

I have a lot of friends, a few of which I call my best friends, but such is life that my best friends would have things they must pursue other than spending time talking with me about things going on in my life. However, one of my best friends has consistently been there for me even when others were busy with things they had to deal with outside of the context of our friendship. Unfortunately, for a period of two weeks, that one best friend that has always been there for me requested that I remain "radio silent." No phone calls, no text messages, and no e-mails. This couldn't have come at a worse time as I have been going through a difficult transition as I made my exit from the theatre company.

So I turned to another friend who, although she is very busy and is available at only the oddest times, was willing to listen to my deepest frustrations and vexes about this transition. It worked too, as she proved to be a great asset in helping alleviate some tensions that were mounting, but in the process I gave her the distinct impression that I was going to ask her out. This I attribute to my overly emotional state in which I say things as how I feel, not necessarily how I mean them, and often when I'm emotional I say things rather quizzically and vague. I'd also attribute this to the gap in understanding between males and females. Ultimately though, I blame myself and a lack of communication for this frustrating misunderstanding.

I am not ready for a relationship: spiritually, emotionally, and physically (I need to quit smoking first.) Relationships never solve problems in your life, but rather they complicate your life with new ones. This is not always a bad thing, but with this in mind I can confidently say, I have enough problems to worry about. Realistically, I don't even need a relationship at this point in my life. There's nothing I stand to gain from one in this stage in my life. That may sound selfish, as if I'm suggesting that a relationship is only about what I can gain from it, but what I mean is that a relationship would have no benefits and only complications with it. Right now, what I need is God; that's the only relationship I need to focus on at the moment.

My flesh wants a relationship, and why wouldn't it? But it wouldn't be a relationship that honors God, and it wouldn't be with someone who knows the Truth. I am in too much physical and emotional pain to continue this, so I will conclude with the following. It is unfortunate that things happened the way they did, and I am finding myself hard-pressed for a solution as to how to remedy the situation, but I know where I stand on the issue.

Until next time,
De Facto

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