Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sum Quidne?

It has been the observation of many that I am serious person with jaded sense of humor. What astonishes me is that few have taken the time to try and figure out why I am that way. I can't remember ever giving an actual answer to that, but now I'm going to give one. The serious facade I put on is a defense mechanism against my flesh-nature. As one of the harshest critics of my own gender, I can attest to the wretched and sinful nature that men carry within themselves. Many embrace this in various ways, and it manifests itself in even darker ways.

I am not immune, in fact I used to be what some might call a player. I was a master at manipulating the minds and emotions of women for my own gain. When I set my mind to it, there was nothing I could not get a girl to do, even the "good girls" fell for my tricks because their flesh was just as weak as mine. I could vainly go into details, but frankly I do not believe it is necessary nor do I believe it would be beneficial in the least. I do not keep secrets, and while I do not confide in just one person with all of them, I have nothing about myself hidden; my sexual exploits and misgivings are no exception. One thing I would like to say is this, that it is by the grace of God that while many opportunities presented themselves I did not actually have sex.

Everyday is a battle of choices, and everyday is either a victory in Christ or a slap to His face. I hide behind the mask of a serious man because it brings me back to a time where I was untainted by sexual temptation, a time when I had no real sense of humor. Over the past few years I have developed a sense of humor, albeit a distorted and often sarcastic sense of humor. Most people have regarded my humor as being dark, grotesque, and disturbing. Occasionally I manage to make jokes that are nothing like my normal forte of morbid or condescending cracks at life.

From my past, I have developed a bullshit detector. I realize that going to be challenging for you some of you to read, but I need you to understand that while there are substitutes for a swear word, nothing comes close to describing exactly what it is I see in others. My bullshit detector is particularly attuned to men who try to play women for their bodies, and extends to other types of liars and lying. Though it is not foolproof, you'd be surprised how many lies I catch but don't call people out on because of the situation or because I'm simply too tired to get into a row with them about it. It angers me to no end when people lie to me. When someone lies to me it says to me that they think I'm too stupid to realize that they're lying. Not only can I detect bullshit, but I can dish it out as well. I may not come across as a good liar, especially since I have come to despise dishonesty with a fiery passion, but with enough motivation I can lie my way into almost any situation (my parents can attest to this.)

The truth of the matter is that no matter how gratifying it was to beguile a woman into giving herself over to me, I have found a better and more satisfying gratification in a pure and holy love affair with Jesus Christ. Just as the Bible compares us to a bride, so too do I compare my love affair to a bride and her groom, because when the presence of God comes in like a flood my toes curl up and my heart skips a beat like I was going to prom with the most sought-after man in the school. The fact that He is jealous for me, as Colbie Caillat put it, "gives me tinglies in a silly place." Why the God of the universe and everything unimaginable would care for someone like me is unfathomable, but so too is that like an insecure woman who doubts her worthiness of the man who seeks after her. Those not well-acquainted with the imagery of the Church being likened to a bride and Christ the groom will no doubt find this paragraph quite odd, if not partially disturbing and unwholesome, but if you knew Jesus the way I did it would not seem so wholly strange. I pray that you can experience His love as I do.

Until next time,
De Facto

Saturday, July 17, 2010

God Hates Fags (If Fag was Codeword for Bigot)

I've been watching a documentary on the Westboro Baptist Church, the infamous family-turned-congregation when a lawyer was disbarred for his unethical practices he then became hellbent on preaching about God's wrath. Since then he has gone from preaching a message of hate towards non-heterosexuals to preaching a message of hate to America as whole for enabling the homosexuals to live in sin. To this I say, "Duh, thousands died so the homosexuals could have a safe place to live." Of course, when I say safe, I only mean that they cannot be legally lynched, harassed, or murdered. They can still be told their sinners and that they're going to hell, as those kinds of comments are protected under the Constitution.

I find myself at a crossroads which diverge to two very different paths with distinct consequences on either side. I could align myself with such extreme views such as those of Fred Phelps and his church, or I could align myself with the polar opposite side of the spectrum where one sect of the Presbyterian Church is fully endorsing homosexuality and wanting to change the definition of marriage to something akin to being between, "two people."

Or I could stick my middle finger out to both sides like the little rebel I am and say, "Forget that, I make my own way!" The problem with Fred Phelps and the anti-faggotry message that he preaches is that it denies the fact that God accepts people where they're at with the desire that they would perfect themselves in Christ. The Bible does make it clear that homosexuality is an abomination in God's eyes, now does that mean you'll find me standing on a street corner carrying a sign that says, "God hates fags" I'll be damned if I do! I am not Jesus, I cannot save anyone from their own destructive lifestyles. I can only show them the love of Jesus Christ and pray that the Holy Spirit would bring about conviction unto repentance in their life. Therefore, while I do not endorse homosexuality, I am not going to turn my spiritual beliefs into causation for a witch-hunt that will only push those I'm trying to reach with the message of Jesus Christ.

In the eyes of Fred Phelps and his church, I am probably be going to hell, and to that I say this, "Great, I'll see you there, faggots!"

Until next time,
De Facto

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Amori Est Aeterna I: An Assignment from Hell

For those of you who have been reading my blog regularly, you probably remember one of my first entries, When I Was Five, but if not I'll summarize it quickly. Most five-year old children dream of being firefighters, doctors, policemen, and Bob the Builder. Unlike them, I had the lofty dream of being a husband. It is my firm belief that God planted that desire within me and has been grooming me to fulfill that dream for whatever God-glorifying purpose it may serve.

Now, it had never occurred to me in such terms that Satan would be on assignment to destroy my dream. It has been said that you don't need to kill a man, but rather if you kill his dream he is only a walking corpse. It may seem somewhat unbelievable that a charismatic prayer warrior like myself would not realize this, but sometimes head knowledge doesn't fully make it's way to the heart and therefore gets shoved away into the intellectual caverns of a prepossessed mind. Spiritual warfare is not an unfamiliar term, and while some like to chalk everything that goes wrong in their lives up to spiritual warfare, it may surprise some of you to know that that isn't far from the truth. In John 10:10 Satan is compared to a thief out to steal, kill, and destroy. It is not even a stone's throw away from absolute truth to assume that Satan may never physically destroy his targets, but if he can destroy the dreams, hopes, and aspirations then he doesn't need to kill the body; souls are really what's important to him anyway.

Over the past months I have been wavering between two extremes: love cannot exist and love abounds throughout the very fabric of all that exists. I know within my essence, that is my soul and spirit, that love the single greatest gift mankind can exchange. So why would go from that belief to, "love cannot exist?" To say that the devil made me do it is really dishonest and not taking responsibility for the choices I have made. Jesus told His disciples that they would be fishers of men, but did it ever occur to anyone that Satan is also a fisher of men? In my case, Satan dangled the bait out in front of my face and I bit. Satan can't make you do anything unless you first give him the authority, and when I started to believe his lies I began a downward spiral in my thinking that led to a whole host of absurd and bitter rantings. Make no mistake, it was my choices that led me to this thinking, Satan merely provided the material with which I then disseminated into dark thoughts and ill-spoken words.

I'll end this with the theme of my next rant on love, in the words of my Bible study leader and pastor,

You can't have love this way (points from himself to the crowd)

If you don't have love coming and going this way (points to the sky and then back to himself).

Until next time, which could be as early as a few hours,
De Facto