Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sum Quidne?

It has been the observation of many that I am serious person with jaded sense of humor. What astonishes me is that few have taken the time to try and figure out why I am that way. I can't remember ever giving an actual answer to that, but now I'm going to give one. The serious facade I put on is a defense mechanism against my flesh-nature. As one of the harshest critics of my own gender, I can attest to the wretched and sinful nature that men carry within themselves. Many embrace this in various ways, and it manifests itself in even darker ways.

I am not immune, in fact I used to be what some might call a player. I was a master at manipulating the minds and emotions of women for my own gain. When I set my mind to it, there was nothing I could not get a girl to do, even the "good girls" fell for my tricks because their flesh was just as weak as mine. I could vainly go into details, but frankly I do not believe it is necessary nor do I believe it would be beneficial in the least. I do not keep secrets, and while I do not confide in just one person with all of them, I have nothing about myself hidden; my sexual exploits and misgivings are no exception. One thing I would like to say is this, that it is by the grace of God that while many opportunities presented themselves I did not actually have sex.

Everyday is a battle of choices, and everyday is either a victory in Christ or a slap to His face. I hide behind the mask of a serious man because it brings me back to a time where I was untainted by sexual temptation, a time when I had no real sense of humor. Over the past few years I have developed a sense of humor, albeit a distorted and often sarcastic sense of humor. Most people have regarded my humor as being dark, grotesque, and disturbing. Occasionally I manage to make jokes that are nothing like my normal forte of morbid or condescending cracks at life.

From my past, I have developed a bullshit detector. I realize that going to be challenging for you some of you to read, but I need you to understand that while there are substitutes for a swear word, nothing comes close to describing exactly what it is I see in others. My bullshit detector is particularly attuned to men who try to play women for their bodies, and extends to other types of liars and lying. Though it is not foolproof, you'd be surprised how many lies I catch but don't call people out on because of the situation or because I'm simply too tired to get into a row with them about it. It angers me to no end when people lie to me. When someone lies to me it says to me that they think I'm too stupid to realize that they're lying. Not only can I detect bullshit, but I can dish it out as well. I may not come across as a good liar, especially since I have come to despise dishonesty with a fiery passion, but with enough motivation I can lie my way into almost any situation (my parents can attest to this.)

The truth of the matter is that no matter how gratifying it was to beguile a woman into giving herself over to me, I have found a better and more satisfying gratification in a pure and holy love affair with Jesus Christ. Just as the Bible compares us to a bride, so too do I compare my love affair to a bride and her groom, because when the presence of God comes in like a flood my toes curl up and my heart skips a beat like I was going to prom with the most sought-after man in the school. The fact that He is jealous for me, as Colbie Caillat put it, "gives me tinglies in a silly place." Why the God of the universe and everything unimaginable would care for someone like me is unfathomable, but so too is that like an insecure woman who doubts her worthiness of the man who seeks after her. Those not well-acquainted with the imagery of the Church being likened to a bride and Christ the groom will no doubt find this paragraph quite odd, if not partially disturbing and unwholesome, but if you knew Jesus the way I did it would not seem so wholly strange. I pray that you can experience His love as I do.

Until next time,
De Facto

3 comments:

  1. So you're saying you built up walls to protect others or yourself. Do you think this is healthy?

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  2. Whether it is healthy or not is completely different issue, but the walls were there to protect others primarily and myself as well from the guilt of becoming what I once was.

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  3. You're always a strong shot of honesty, sir. Perhaps that is an unwelcome comparison, but I mean it in the best possible sense.

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