Friday, August 6, 2010

The Ebb and Flow of Hope

Often times I have wondered why it is that I can be happy one day and the next I can snap in an instant. For a long time I was concerned that I might suffer from some kind psychosis or bipolar disorder. Then I made a connection that had not occurred to me until very recently. I get depressed (which often times manifests with anger) whenever something takes me further away from the dreams and aspirations God gave me when I was five.

This week has been one of the more trying times of my life. I've suffered some losses in my life, but most of those did not take me further away from the calling God placed on my little five year-old self. The irony of it all was that it started off on Sunday as having the potential to be one of the best weeks of my life thus far, but as the bricks which laid the foundation for such a great week were pulled out this magnificent week suddenly became hell week. I went from being able to glimpse a hopeful future to having nothing but uncertainty and disappointment in view. On top of that I've got temptations and vices trying to steal that future away from me with the allures of instant gratification. I have not always been good with the concept of delayed gratification, but now a days I take it almost to an extreme. I'm the kind of person that lets a person standing in line at the Redbox kiosk go ahead of me because her son is cold thanks to the air conditioning being turned up too high with fans blowing directly overhead. I think I'm digressing now...

The problem I have is that I have two groups of friends in my life who mean the world to me, while another group of friends seems to have grown distant and apathetic towards me. The first group of friends I'd categorize as my friends who inspire me to have hope, unfortunately they all live in the big city about 40 minutes away or more. The second group of friends are mostly older than me, and they're the ones who I categorize as the ones who care. They don't get this categorization because my first group of friends don't care, but because they show they care by doing the very things I don't want them to do (i.e. chasing me across the parking lot trying to steal a cigarette from me so that I can't smoke it, pointing out a crippling flaw about myself, and making me listen to the worst music ever made.) The third group of friends are the ones who have grown up with me to some extent or another. While they genuinely want to be my friend, they have their own aspirations and goals that often conflict with the friendship. They seem to have come to accept my weaknesses and shortcomings as if they were something that cannot change. In essence, I'd categorize this third group of friends as the stagnant ones.

Now that I have sufficiently ruffled the feathers of some, uplifted others, and probably condemned myself to a lecture on how much this person or that person cares about me I shall conclude this overdrawn and inevitably confusing entry. My final thought comes as a question: what is virginity? In the strictest scientific sense, it is state when a male or female has not yet had sexual relations involving penetration of the vagina with the penis. Others include oral sex and mutual manual stimulation (fingering/handjobs), that if a person has done these then they have lost their virginity. A friend of mine suggested to me that according to Matthew 5:28 anyone who has lusted for another person has given up their virginity. If this were true, I have given up the best part of me to someone who despises my very existence; what then is left to give of myself to my future wife?

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