Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The Deepest Sorrow

For some time now I have kept it inside of me, and there was a time where conflicting feelings helped me suppress them all the more. But I am a passionate man, a man with conviction and I follow my feelings through to whatever end lies in wait. There is someone who is close to me that I cannot escape without feeling the longing for. That person has been judged time and again, and although not perfect, that person did not deserve the treatment they received. I sit in my ivory tower of leadership, looking down at the ones who have trusted me to guide them, to uplift them in their times of struggle... But there is one who has my attention even when there is no struggle, and that person has earned my affection. That person can have it if they will take it. All I ask is that this person wait until I can speak plainly to them about how I feel, until I can profess these feelings as boldly as I profess my own faith.

There is an ache within me that refuses to heal, and I have searched deep within myself to find out why it continues to fester. That person has watched, most likely unknowingly, as I wrestled with the answer to make sense of it all. They have watched me become increasingly dissatisfied with the way things are, and to my greatest pleasure, has allowed me to confide in them some of my more ulterior thoughts and feelings. What that person doesn't know is the damage I've suffered at the hands of those I placed my trust in, and gaping wound that reminds me daily of my foolishness. This person has been there for me when I needed someone, and while my "best friends" were too busy with their own lives, or sorting out their own problems, this person was there.

But the deepest sorrow within me is that I have fallen so far away from God. I have spent my entire self for what I thought was what God was calling me to do, and while I may have done some good for His Kingdom; there was no grace covering the vain sacrifices I made. Had I opened my eyes and taken a moment to critically assess the situation, I might have seen the truth in all its ugliness. I became so engrossed in the work I was doing, that it became my god, my idol. I had said all the right words, made all right choices, and gone the extra mile to be the leader that everyone saw me as, but it was all for the wrong reason.

God, forgive me for I have sinned. I have put the work that I do before You. I put my trust in the leaders above me, all the while they cared more for their precious image than they did about me, and now I am left here broken. Lord, forgive me for being an arrogant self-righteous and judgmental zealot. In the eyes of the world, I was doing a noble deed, but now I see that I was serving an abusive liar who has lost sight of what our purpose is. Had I listened to You, Oh El Shaddai, perhaps then I would not be where I am today. Perhaps then I would have not fallen by the wayside and been betrayed by the very people I put too much trust in. I question my every footstep knowing that I once fearlessly walked about in defiance of Your will. I ask that You would forgive me and bring me back to You, bring me back and teach me Your ways through Your Word. I need to see it in Your Word that it what it is, because for too long I have listened to false teachings and snakes preaching contrary to the truth. I need Your help to discern the truth from the lie.

I have been shaken to the core. Coming to the realization that my career as an actor has been for the benefit of a crooked, abusive, controlling man that has lost sight of the purpose of our performances has left me with not much to rely on. As I swiftly make my departure from the theatre company, I ween myself off of half-truths and false revelations and back into the things of God. I am not this way because of what I leave behind, but because of what has been stripped from me. Please, do not take pity, for that is exactly what the lame man needs. I am not a lame man, but rather a man who has gotten lost now returning to the right path. Yes, I got lost, was beaten, robbed of everything I had to offer, and now left high and dry, but since I am on the right path my losses will be nothing in comparison to what I gain on the right path.

Until next time,
De Facto

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