After several weeks of struggling with smoking, issues with friends, issues with family, and my own disquiet in the mind I have broken free of a heavy burden. Lately, I've been feeling a lot of guilt and shame over the fact that I did not get into the military and did not get to follow through with the plans I had made for my life. I had reoccurring anger about how things had ended with my ex-girlfriend who bore the Internet nickname of Sparrow. I saw myself as a failure for not doing everything I could to follow through with those plans I had made. I thought that where I was now was the direct result of quitting on myself. Tonight, I discovered that that was far from the truth.
After having a very honest and God-seeking conversation with a friend of mine, a veil was lifted off my eyes and I could see that I wasn't a failure; I was right where God wanted me to be. I realized that the only one who was placing the guilt and shame on me was me, that God did not condemn me for not getting into the military or following through with my plans to marry Sparrow. The truth was that I was not supposed to get into the military and my reasons for breaking up with Sparrow were very legitimate. I finally feel as though I've let her go. She is not my future wife and I cannot be dwelling on the might-have-been scenarios that keep running through my mind. I hurt Sparrow the way I broke up with her, but God reminded me that I did everything I could to make amends for the hurt I caused her.
The best part of this is that God has showed me a plan for the next two years of my life. I'm not going to go into details until I received confirmation about the plan, but I can tell you that it is very exciting. Seeing this plan has also rejuvenated my sense of purpose, restored my faith in the facts promised in Jeremiah 29:11. There's so much I could say about what happened tonight, but a lot of it is actually kept in confidence until there is agreement between all parties involved that I can freely speak on the subjects. Frankly, I just thank God that He came through for me when I was ready to throw in the towel. I didn't think I could hold on much longer to the little shreds of hope I had, but just when the light seemed to fade God; radiantly shining brighter than day, showed up and showed off His awesome power to renew and restore.
Praise Him, Saints. He is mighty to save.
Until next time,
P.S. - The events vaguely mentioned in this entry directly inspired my latest piece of poetry. If you haven't read it yet, check it out: Te Amo Semper V: Semper Fidelis Est