Myths That Young Christian Men Believe About Their Future Wife

Let me preface this by saying that this information has been collected from years of listening to advice of married men, pastors, and other spiritual mentors who have given me lots of important information. I can guarantee that at one time or another I believed all of these.

My future wife will complete me.

Some women probably believe their gender has dominance on the need to feel complete, but men have it too. It simply comes out in other ways. Unfortunately, guys are just a delusional as the women who believe their spouse will complete them. Gents, marriage was never a man and woman gig, but rather a God, man, and woman show. Without God, the puzzle is incomplete and you will find yourself unsatisfied.

Speaking of finding yourself unsatisfied...

My future wife will meet all my sexual needs.

You're a young man and you've got hormones that drive you nuts at times, we all do, but unfortunately your wife will most likely not be able sate your sexual impulses all the time (And expecting her to can cause a rift in your marriage). Now don't go losing hope, my friend, because if you discipline yourself now to exercise restraint in the face of sexual temptation; I think you will find that your sexual impulses won't be out of control and therefore when you find a woman who you're ready to share that much of yourself with, then the sex you do have with your wife will be exactly what you need. Now, years down the road you may run into other sexual problems, but that's not I'm discussing here.

Are you addicted to porn? Struggle with lust? These things will not go away when you get married! It is essential that you, my brothers, understand this. Your wife is not going to be the cure-all for your bad habits and untamed sexual addictions. You must seek Godly counseling and help for that before you even consider getting married. Oh, and if you think that you can find a nice Christian girl who can be your accountability partner and help you kick the habit, then you are deceiving yourself. I have never heard a story of this ending well. Don't go there.

She will be an innocent young virgin who obeys you.

First off, I do not endorse the traditionalist view that a man must be a strict authoritarian head of the household. I lean a lot closer to egalitarian relationship structure, but that's another story.

Let's start with innocent; your wife will not be a Disney princess. If you expect her to have the innocence of a woman whose been locked in a tower her whole life and was just waiting for Prince Charming to come and take her away, then you're going to be seriously disappointed. Women aren't anymore immune to the influence of the world than men are. While James 1:27 tells us that we are to keep ourselves untainted by the world, chances are she's going to have some warped views about different subjects. Unless you both have locked in a tower your entire lives, then chances are you both are going to bring some distorted views into the marriage. It's important that you don't get into a relationship thinking you can change that about her, but I will cover that later (like, "in another entry" later).

When I use the word, "young" I am intentionally trying to call to mind the Western idealized female who is youthful in appearance and full of vibrancy. My brothers, at this point I recommend you smack yourself hard across the face. This ideal is an unobtainable thing which you will not find and women can try but will never achieve. Chances are, many of our sisters in the faith have insecurities because they know they cannot match up to your idealized woman, but how would they feel knowing that you're striving for that? Did God make a mistake in creating them? Are they incomplete? The fact of the matter is that, we as humans have idolized our human form to such a degree that we now have idol which we cannot ever be like.

Virgin. I think the vast majority of Christian men want to marry a virgin. I wonder how many men would hold themselves up to such a standard, would they refuse to marry the woman they love because he isn't a virgin? It's not completely unheard of, but it would seem the expectations that men place on their future wives are greater than the expectations they place on themselves for where they should be in life and their walk with God before getting married. Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with a woman who is not a virgin. Now, I'd recommend that she be tested for STD's, but I cannot tell you what you should do after that. I can say that if you claim to love her unconditionally, then those words should be backed up by actions. A woman who is not a virgin is not different from you. You're not perfect, are you? You've made mistakes? Perhaps a few indiscretions and skeletons in the closet? Unfortunately, because a woman's body is physically changed when she has sex, there seems to be an unfair expectation that a woman worth marrying must be a virgin. A woman who previously had sex is NOT damaged goods.

She is as her Father made her. Precious. Something to be cherished.

The newlywed excitement and romance will last forever/a long time.

After all, that's love, right? No, it's passion for the person whom you love. It's an expression of joy and love, but it is not love itself. It's also not what is going to bring the two of you together.

According to stats I've read in multiple books and heard from several male mentors, the average length of the newlywed buzz is between one and three years. Funny thing is, I'm not seeing a lot of marriages even lasting long enough to get past the newlywed buzz these days. And they thought marriage was hard then...

I will be her Prince Charming; sweep her off her feet and...

And you'll erase all her insecurities, fight off all her demons, and make her feel safe 24/7? What are you... Jesus? Make no mistake, Paul tells the Church that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, but that doesn't mean that husbands should try to be the Christ for their wives. If we tried, we'd fail, and then things would really be awful because she's still the tortured little princess like Johanna from Sweeney Todd and you'll be the defeated man who never was what he tried to be... Like Shrek, kind of.

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Now folks, there's probably a dozen more of these that you can think of. Some, if not a lot of them, apply to women in one way or another with a little tweaking of the wording. I just wanted to dispel a few of the prominent beliefs that young men of God have at one time or another in their life.

Amor omnia vincit,
James

Judge Me By The Size Of My Drama, Do You?

People, those of you outside of my inner circle, would like to think you know me. My inner circle doesn't even know everything about me yet and they are the ones who hear the most intimate details about my life. What people see, as I understand from their reactions, is someone who is a drama queen or a diva that has little to no bearing on reality. I challenge both the idea that I am a diva/drama queen and that I have little to no bearing on reality.

Firstly, I admit that I am emotionally high-strung at times. I can get very passionate about something without much provocation. Case and point, the death of Osama Bin Laden. I was so disturbed by the massive celebrations that were being covered in television news as well as various people on Facebook changing their profile pictures to the popular (but fake) picture of Osama's marred corpse. I was very relieved to know that this legendary figure who was responsible for the attack on 9/11 had been removed from the possibility of ever striking America again, but I was so overwhelmed by the things people were saying in their joyous reactions to the death of Osama that I reacted. How did I react? I was livid. I was so disgusted that I became infuriated with the carnal savagery of so many. I saw it as such a base level of immaturity, but when I look at it in hindsight so too was my reaction to them a very base act of immaturity.

Secondly, people who think they know me should not presume to. Ever since I began my Time of Consecration, God has been teaching and working through me on various levels. I'm not saying that I've got it all figured it out or anything. In fact, the more I learn the less I know and the more I realize that I have so much growing up to do. Thing is, most people know me as this ultra-conservative fundamentalist with quaint vestiges of traditional gentlemanly behavior embedded in my routine, but if you knew me as I am today you would know that I'm more akin to a Jesus-loving nature hippy. Heck, I'm evening doing my research so that I can become a bona fide vegetarian. The fact is, I look as the things I have said and done with such certainty that it was done by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and I am horrified. I am literally horrified to think that at one time I used to think that America was a God-fearing nation founded on Christian principles. I am horrified that I used to openly mock the LGBTQ community and that I thought I wasn't a racist because I wasn't calling black people rude names. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

While my physical teenage years are beyond me, but spiritually I feel like a teenager that is just starting to overcome all the angst and hormonal imbalance to give rise to some more insightful and well-developed thoughts, feelings, and perspectives on life. I'm going through so many spiritual changes; so much growing, stretching, bending, twisting, prodding, poking, cutting off, and removing of the old self that I am bound to make a fool of myself on more than one occasion. I'm prone to mistakes and this spiritual metamorphosis I'm going through isn't going to make me look any prettier for the cameras in the short term... However, because I am renewing my mind to be that of Christ's mind I no longer think of just the image I have upon Earth, but the image that God sees of me. It isn't the most important to me that you accept me as I go through this change, as I realize that some people just wont. What is important is that I offer you the chance to understand what's going on.

Speaking of what God sees... I don't care about this reality half as much as I do about God's reality. Frankly, I find this reality fascinating and exciting, but wholly unsatisfying in the long-run. When I put this reality in perspective as God sees, as He chooses to show me bits and pieces of His perspective; I begin to understand how truly this reality is without an understanding of how to live life God's way. So people say that I'm out of touch with reality, and in response I say, "Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to know you're seeing such an improvement in my lifestyle." Granted, that's a little bit of verbal judo, but the point is that I don't care if people think that I'm out of touch with reality. There will always be people out there criticizing me for something they don't like and many of them will probably be holding on to things of the past that didn't sit well with them. I know that I have made mistakes in the past, and I will make more mistakes in the future. The important thing for me is that I keep going, keep growing, and keep holding onto the values which have kept me sane enough for the past year.

Ready for the most insightful portion of this entry? I've noticed a few people in particular spending an awful lot of time criticizing me. I'd like to point out that if I'm such a diva/drama queen then I am not worth all the time and effort you put into ridiculing me. Therefore, I am either not a not a diva/drama queen and you simply have strong opinions (as I do) about the issues I bring up or I am one but you are equally immature for spending your time trolling me. I'll leave it up to you to decide which of those two is the case. I'd like to add here that there are others who have made legitimate efforts to offer some "tough love" correction, to whom I do not intend this paragraph to be directed at.

Interestingly enough, I was going to write about the expectations that many young men have of their future marriage relationships and crush all those silly but understandable misconceptions about marriage. Unfortunately for the one or two people who I told about this idea, I had a strong urge to write this other stuff instead. My apologies, the expectations thing will come later.

For Narnia!
James

Maturity: The Fraudalent Art of Self-Humiliation

I was discussing a theory I have with a friend that maturity is truly non-existent. Maturity seems to be a delusional state of belief that we have somehow evolved beyond the behavior of who we were at a younger age. This delusion is something I have recently become disillusioned to, that is that I am disappointed in myself and no longer can reconcile my behavior with the concept that experience and wisdom has a direct correlation with our ability to transcend childish behavior. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." Thus, while we can put aside our childish behavior, we can never truly evolve beyond it; it's always there.

Maturity is a daily decision we make about what direction our life is going towards. We can make a choices that will hurt the overall outcome in life for us, or we can make choices that will benefit ourselves. Some may see a neutral area that doesn't seem to be either black or white, but I say that those choices could be small in impact or the effects thereof are yet to be seen and we are simply to linear to understand the implications of our actions. Of course there are always choices that have such a small impact on our lives that we fail to see their significance. I choose to drop of piece of garbage on the street as opposed to the trash can down the block may not result in a group of black suits looking for me, but it may be the first step in a series of choices that lead me to become a habitual litterer. Becoming aware of these small impact choices and their implications for future choices is essential for true maturity.

The past few months have been a real awakening to me. I thought I had achieved a greater level of maturity, and yet I have made some very childish behavioral choices that are so unlike the man I thought myself to be. Knowing many people who, whether they are willing to admit it themselves or not, have displayed similar regressions; I am led to conclude that maturity is not something achieved. Maturity as we have previously known it to be is delusional practice of self-deception that leads us to believe we are somehow better than the person who we were in some prior period of time. I propose that true maturity is a daily series of choices that make a positive influence on your life and on the lives of those around you. It could be said, however that the maturity concept we understand only needs to be modified to say that maturity is the point in which those daily choices for positive living have become habit. If that is your definition of maturity then it is more intellectually honest than the belief that experience, wisdom, and age have a direct correlation with behavioral patterns.

I don't write this to show off some great epiphany as indication of some ascendance to a higher plane of thinking or living. I've simply become more acutely aware of reality and what it means for maturity. I have yet to truly implement positive living choices for myself. Granted, I think half the battle was in realizing that maturity is not a sure thing, but if I wish to complete this then I can't leave it half baked. Now I must make choices that will have a greater positive influence than negative. I've got a lot of choices to make, but I pray that with the Holy Spirit as my helper that I could it all in Christ's name.

For Jah-Yeshua,
James

Gaining Perspective

Yesterday, I nearly had an aneurysm when a couple kids decided they had had enough of my preachy-ness and took offense to something I wrote about emotionally unstable individuals. I literally flipped my lid and then some. I was so livid that I was not rationally processing information the way I normally do. I even had a desire for vindication, which came out when I made a few very sarcastic retaliatory remarks. Basically, I had let two kids (legally they're adults, but they're kids to me) get me riled up... And over what? Some passive aggressive remarks that one of them makes consistently because that person won't go through the process of dealing with their issues? Wow... I really have stooped low...

Granted, I had a right to be irked. I mean, one of them basically told me that had this been a year ago that my name would have ended up on their suicide note. That is a sign of someone who has serious emotional issues.I was also told that I am abusive person who doesn't give a damn about them... Yes, that's why I've offered to help that person get out of their unhealthy living environment with funds out of my own pocket. I'm a freakin' college student and the money I have has to be so carefully rationed out that to offer to do that is basically saying, "I wont eat for the next week just to make sure that you have a safe place to call home." Yet I digress from the purpose of this entry... The way I handled my anger was so unbelievably irrational that I astonish myself as I think about the events of yesterday. In fact, yesterday should have been a great day. I had a successful interview for a job that could start this summer and extend throughout the Fall semester. Instead, I decided to let a couple of kids with some issues of their own get under my skin and ruin my entire day. It seems like I haven't learned as much as I'd like to think I have in the past three years. Oh yes, I've been down this road before. I've also been the one with issues that would drag well-established members of society down with me. I've now seen both sides of the fence, and both are just as deprived of decency as the other.

So what is a poor fellow to do? Well, back in the day the advice was to get out of the situation for a while to get some perspective. That advice seems fitting for situations that develop on the Internet. Now, to be fair, I'm not completely removing myself from the Internet. I'm still checking my e-mails and stuff, but the two places I'm intentionally avoiding at this point are: Facebook and the forum where this all started (actually it technically started elsewhere, but I'm not going into that now). I'm also going to reduce how much time I spend on the Internet and spend more time studying for classes. I don't know how long this will go for (I'm thinking 'til Thursday night), but I just know that I need to gain some perspective. If this is how I react to a couple of kids projecting their issues on me, then I shudder to think how I might handle a real world problem if it were to smack me on the face tomorrow... *ponders*

Oh, I suppose I should end this, huh?

Well I hope you all have a great week and continue to seek the Truth.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

What A Godly Man Wants (In a Wife)

Leslie Ludy, a Christ-follower and publisher of an online magazine, has an article that caught my eye because of its pertinence to the Church today. You can go to her website to read the article, which begins on page 19, and after doing so come back here and join me in my thoughts on this matter. I'd like to thank a friend of mine, whom I shall give the anonymous name of Stark Princess ("stark" in this context refers to contrast, in that she is not your traditional princess; she's the kind of princess that when Satan hears a rumble on Earth, he's saying, "Oh crap, she's awake.")

Here's what I have to say about this, as I posted it on Stark Princess's Facebook:

"The goal should not be marriage, but marriage be a gift from God. Contrary to tradition, women should not take a backseat in service to our King, but should be on the forefront of ministry. Women do not need men to be counted a useful service in the Kingdom, but are useful simply because they are His creation. Women should be unashamedly proclaiming His Name at the risk of everything they stand to lose in this life, for His Kingdom should be their only homeland. Women should be on the front-lines, side by side with men, on their knees praying and fasting for the coming of our Lord.

Marriage is not something wholly wrong to seek after, but when it gets int the way of a woman's service to the King, then it has altogether lost its meaning in community of Christ. God is the only one who can fulfill our needs, and as such He should be the first and foremost sought after. When husband and wife become a distraction to each other, they fail the Kingdom in fulfilling their purpose of furthering the Cause of Christ, and ultimately commit idolatry in His eyes.

Women, I urge you that to seek Him above all other things. No man can provide for you the way that the Father can. You are not helpless brittle creatures that need constant caring for, constant protection because you have been given the same armor of God that us men have. You have the same weapons and tools that men have. Use them. You have the same commandment that we have, the same commission to go forth into the world and make disciples of every nation. To this end, do not even think about marriage until you have set to task your part in fulfilling the Great Commission."

Yes, I'm quite passionate about this subject.

Honestly, Christ-followers the world-over get a bad rep because of the history of Christianity being rather misogynistic or willfully ignorant of the significance of the role women play in the all out battle for the souls of every person of every nation. And this Warrior Poet who wrote about the misconceived notion of the "Christian Think Tank" perception couldn't have said it better; men and women are compliments of each other, but they are not essential to each other in order to be able to do the work God has called them to do.

At the risk of sounding like a chauvinist, when the Warrior Poet said, "If you’re less attractive to the world, and have a few unsightly calluses, scars, or limps because of living surrendered to God’s work, a Warrior-Poet will still count you as the most glorious, radiant, blazingly-beautiful, and stunningly-breathtaking woman to ever grace the planet." He made a serious understatement, for the simple fact that that is the sexiest woman a Godly man can find. Those calluses, scars, and limps aren't things to be overlooked as if they were something to be ashamed of; they're prerequisites! Honestly, I can't see why any man who calls himself a Christ-follower would even consider marrying a woman who hasn't already established herself as an active force for Christ.

Look folks, if you know me at all, then you know that it's no secret I have a strong desire for a spouse; I'd rather spend the rest of my days as an unmarried servant of Christ, than a married apathetic spectator-Christian. My faith is not a hobby, or a club that I joined to take up some time I just happen to have. My beliefs are the sole motivating force behind why I continue to live despite the growing chaos in the world around me. Left to my own devices, I'm a walking mass-destructive machine of carnage and destitution. Because of Christ, I am more than human, more than a conqueror, and no longer of this world; a pilgrim in a foreign land. I cannot and will not settle for a woman who doesn't have the same disposition.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Too Many Blogs

Some people may feel like I have too many blogs that it becomes hard to follow what I'm writing. Honestly, I'm inclined to agree. I do have quite a few blogs and it would be hard to follow if you tried to follow them all. Let me break it down for you though. I have one main blog, that's this one, and the sole purpose of this blog is for my thoughts and feelings. I post what I thinking, feeling, learning, and all that jazz. I have a private blog, Salve Diem Celeriter, which is viewable to my mentors and friends who have shown themselves to be of high caliber integrity. I haven't always gotten along with those friends, in fact a few of them have been the ones who I've had the most beef with, but in the end they helped me grow beyond whatever was driving a wedge between us. I have a blog where I post my Star Trek fan-fiction, Fayn Desmond, but I don't update that often. I have a blog for my worship, prayers, and praise, Te Laudare, and that I update when I have something on my heart that I feel would best be written directly to God. I made it into a blog because I want people to know what I'm going through. Some people hear me talk and think I'm coming across as self-righteous, but my hope is that they can read my blog entries and see that I'm going through the same stuff. Finally, I have my Chicago Blog. The Chicago Blog is my blog for more Chicago-based things. I also post my less extensive thoughts about class and life in general.

Alternatively, I have revitalized my YouTube channel, EnDiHjobi - James' Crazy Rants where I post videos of my thoughts and feelings on various things from television shows I'm watching to issues brought up in videos I see there on YouTube. I'm still getting accustomed to speaking in front of a camera, so my videos tend to ramble-on a bit with a lot of "ums" and "uhs". Eventually, I'll get more concise and have a style that people will be able to pick up on.

So here's my suggestion. Pick one blog, my suggestion for my mentors and such is that you stick to reading Salve Diem Celeriter, and follow that one blog. If you're friends with me on Facebook you will notice that occasionally I'll make a status update that indicates which blog I've been writing in if I haven't written on one lately. If you're not friends with me on Facebook and you'd like to be, then hit me up with an e-mail: vladimirsokolovresurrected AT gmail DOT com (remove the spaces, replace AT with an @ symbol, and DOT with a period. I do this because there are bots out there that collect e-mail addresses for spam).

Anyways, that's it for now.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Thirsty?