Overkill

As I type this I'm a bit shaky. I don't say that to gain sympathy because the last thing that I need is for people to think I'm writing this as a grab for pity. I would much rather have people decide for themselves. Due to all that has transpired this entry is going to be a lot longer than normal, but if you're into truth seeking than I suggest you read all of this.

Along with what I said in my blog entry, which was a gross blanket statement, I also had this to say about Catholics- err, one in particular:

"Tsk, tsk, where is that charitable speech now? Am I so loathsome that you would stoup to such lows just exhaust your ire? Really now, you all claim to be of higher calibre than that, I expected more."

I post a selection of my blog entries on a different forum, Quills & Barbs Writing Club which quite of few of the key players in the incident on the other forum are also a part of. I happened to post my previous entry "A Psychological Experiment" on the Writing Club forum and was lambasted with angry responses which I deleted quite quickly because they were personal attacks. I told everyone that they could redirect their personal statements to me in Private Messages. Just as a side note, that's how personal attacks are dealt with on most forums I've been a moderator or administrator of, but I admit that was not the best way to handle it on the Writing Club forums.

Then I decided to take a hiatus from the Internet. I fasted for a day from the Internet to try and gain some perspective and I was finally feeling good about things. I really felt like I could apologize even though I felt that being banned permanently banned was a major overreaction. I was, and still am, truly apologetic for the confusion and harm I caused with my experiment of gibberish. I'm also apologetic for the blanket statements I made about Catholics, but I will expound on that later. I get back on the computer the next day and find a message from one of the mods who is a personal friend of mine (but not the one who sent me a text the other day) and she said,

"[Name withheld/ Admin of FTN Forums] said this today:
'the only way I would consider allowing him back on was if he sent me an explicit and humble apology that clearly displayed that he understood what was wrong with his actions and why we reacted the way he did.

He would have to register again, however. His account is totally gone.'

So you still may have a chance if you really want to get back on. :)

Oh, and someone suggested that if you do get back on to have a different user name, cause some people still are peeved at you, and it would make a clean slate to work with."

I was a little irked by this because it denies that they overreacted and the fact that they banned me permanently leaves me with only very inconvenient ways of contacting the administrator of Fairy Tale Novel forums (FTN forums). I was still willing to apologize for the damage I had done, because after all there had been damage done even though I didn't intend for it to happen. I started talking to a friend of mine, that's the one who sent me a text the other day, and she informed of this:

"the apology is for what you posted on my forum, not for your experiment[.]

because you attacked the forum and Catholics with that, and that's why [Admin of FTN forums] deleted you[.]"

So, I was temporarily banned for spamming the FTN forums. Got it, accepted it, and willing to apologize for it. Also, I was perfectly willing to apologize personally to the one person who felt threatened by one of my nonsensical rants. I got permanently banned from FTN forums for remarks I made on Quills & Barbs Writing Club forums. Is the picture getting clearer?

Now I was going to post more, such as things people said to me in PMs, but I don't think I need to in order to illustrate my point and that would probably be seen as an invasion of what little trust they had in me by sending me a "private" message. I'll summarize what a lot of them said: I've caused them a lot of hurt. A lot of them were hurt more by my remarks about Catholics than they were about the initial experiment. One in particular has gone so far as to leave Quills & Barbs Writing Club forums in protest of my very existence (at least, that's what I've been led to believe is her reasoning for it.)

And now for the most important portion of this entry: an explanation followed by an apology. I do not hate all Catholics, in fact I have nothing against Catholics themselves I just don't agree with all the doctrine the Church teaches. The statements I made were harsh and blanketed, a mistake I made because I was writing in the heat of the moment and being irrational about it; I make no excuse for myself there. What I'm really upset about is the fact that a small group of people in positions of authority that enforce charitable speech and behavior have suddenly gone out and done the very thing they punish others for. I also hate that they can decide to move against a member of their community that they don't like even though they had to pull material from another location outside of the jurisdiction of their community to incriminate me with. Then they launched an all-out assault (literally flooded my inbox) with contemptuous messages. And yet somehow I'm still the one who has done wrong that cannot be forgiven without an explicit admittance of wrongdoing and an expression of contriteness?

My flesh wants to get prideful and proverbially give them all the middle finger, but that is only my flesh and I am a new creature in Christ. It was definitely poor judgment on my part to experiment on a forum, especially a forum full of children (even more so when a portion of the most influential mods are children.) I'll readily admit I made a huge mistake in doing so. I also admit that I made blanket statements about Catholics that were wrong and hurtful. I was acting in a moment of extreme anger, but that does not justify it. Nothing does. Ever. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Had I kept this in mind before saying what I did about Catholics, perhaps this wouldn't have happened like it did.

So yes, I apologize for doing for an experiment in a place completely unsuited and ineligible for such. I apologize for making blanket statements about all Catholics when I really only had a problem with a handful. It was wrong and no amount of provocation justifies what I did. I also apologize that two of my cherished personal friends were dragged into this. One in particular had to run oodles of interference, text me, tried to call me, and made strong cases on my behalf as the mods and admin from FTN forums defended their actions adamantly. That friend didn't ask to be brought into this, she dove in to try to help me and in the end got burned on both sides of the rope for it. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right, and for that I apologize.

Until next time,
De Facto