It has been the observation of many that I am serious person with jaded sense of humor. What astonishes me is that few have taken the time to try and figure out why I am that way. I can't remember ever giving an actual answer to that, but now I'm going to give one. The serious facade I put on is a defense mechanism against my flesh-nature. As one of the harshest critics of my own gender, I can attest to the wretched and sinful nature that men carry within themselves. Many embrace this in various ways, and it manifests itself in even darker ways.
I am not immune, in fact I used to be what some might call a player. I was a master at manipulating the minds and emotions of women for my own gain. When I set my mind to it, there was nothing I could not get a girl to do, even the "good girls" fell for my tricks because their flesh was just as weak as mine. I could vainly go into details, but frankly I do not believe it is necessary nor do I believe it would be beneficial in the least. I do not keep secrets, and while I do not confide in just one person with all of them, I have nothing about myself hidden; my sexual exploits and misgivings are no exception. One thing I would like to say is this, that it is by the grace of God that while many opportunities presented themselves I did not actually have sex.
Everyday is a battle of choices, and everyday is either a victory in Christ or a slap to His face. I hide behind the mask of a serious man because it brings me back to a time where I was untainted by sexual temptation, a time when I had no real sense of humor. Over the past few years I have developed a sense of humor, albeit a distorted and often sarcastic sense of humor. Most people have regarded my humor as being dark, grotesque, and disturbing. Occasionally I manage to make jokes that are nothing like my normal forte of morbid or condescending cracks at life.
From my past, I have developed a bullshit detector. I realize that going to be challenging for you some of you to read, but I need you to understand that while there are substitutes for a swear word, nothing comes close to describing exactly what it is I see in others. My bullshit detector is particularly attuned to men who try to play women for their bodies, and extends to other types of liars and lying. Though it is not foolproof, you'd be surprised how many lies I catch but don't call people out on because of the situation or because I'm simply too tired to get into a row with them about it. It angers me to no end when people lie to me. When someone lies to me it says to me that they think I'm too stupid to realize that they're lying. Not only can I detect bullshit, but I can dish it out as well. I may not come across as a good liar, especially since I have come to despise dishonesty with a fiery passion, but with enough motivation I can lie my way into almost any situation (my parents can attest to this.)
The truth of the matter is that no matter how gratifying it was to beguile a woman into giving herself over to me, I have found a better and more satisfying gratification in a pure and holy love affair with Jesus Christ. Just as the Bible compares us to a bride, so too do I compare my love affair to a bride and her groom, because when the presence of God comes in like a flood my toes curl up and my heart skips a beat like I was going to prom with the most sought-after man in the school. The fact that He is jealous for me, as Colbie Caillat put it, "gives me tinglies in a silly place." Why the God of the universe and everything unimaginable would care for someone like me is unfathomable, but so too is that like an insecure woman who doubts her worthiness of the man who seeks after her. Those not well-acquainted with the imagery of the Church being likened to a bride and Christ the groom will no doubt find this paragraph quite odd, if not partially disturbing and unwholesome, but if you knew Jesus the way I did it would not seem so wholly strange. I pray that you can experience His love as I do.
Until next time,
De Facto
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
God Hates Fags (If Fag was Codeword for Bigot)
I've been watching a documentary on the Westboro Baptist Church, the infamous family-turned-congregation when a lawyer was disbarred for his unethical practices he then became hellbent on preaching about God's wrath. Since then he has gone from preaching a message of hate towards non-heterosexuals to preaching a message of hate to America as whole for enabling the homosexuals to live in sin. To this I say, "Duh, thousands died so the homosexuals could have a safe place to live." Of course, when I say safe, I only mean that they cannot be legally lynched, harassed, or murdered. They can still be told their sinners and that they're going to hell, as those kinds of comments are protected under the Constitution.
I find myself at a crossroads which diverge to two very different paths with distinct consequences on either side. I could align myself with such extreme views such as those of Fred Phelps and his church, or I could align myself with the polar opposite side of the spectrum where one sect of the Presbyterian Church is fully endorsing homosexuality and wanting to change the definition of marriage to something akin to being between, "two people."
Or I could stick my middle finger out to both sides like the little rebel I am and say, "Forget that, I make my own way!" The problem with Fred Phelps and the anti-faggotry message that he preaches is that it denies the fact that God accepts people where they're at with the desire that they would perfect themselves in Christ. The Bible does make it clear that homosexuality is an abomination in God's eyes, now does that mean you'll find me standing on a street corner carrying a sign that says, "God hates fags" I'll be damned if I do! I am not Jesus, I cannot save anyone from their own destructive lifestyles. I can only show them the love of Jesus Christ and pray that the Holy Spirit would bring about conviction unto repentance in their life. Therefore, while I do not endorse homosexuality, I am not going to turn my spiritual beliefs into causation for a witch-hunt that will only push those I'm trying to reach with the message of Jesus Christ.
In the eyes of Fred Phelps and his church, I am probably be going to hell, and to that I say this, "Great, I'll see you there, faggots!"
Until next time,
De Facto
I find myself at a crossroads which diverge to two very different paths with distinct consequences on either side. I could align myself with such extreme views such as those of Fred Phelps and his church, or I could align myself with the polar opposite side of the spectrum where one sect of the Presbyterian Church is fully endorsing homosexuality and wanting to change the definition of marriage to something akin to being between, "two people."
Or I could stick my middle finger out to both sides like the little rebel I am and say, "Forget that, I make my own way!" The problem with Fred Phelps and the anti-faggotry message that he preaches is that it denies the fact that God accepts people where they're at with the desire that they would perfect themselves in Christ. The Bible does make it clear that homosexuality is an abomination in God's eyes, now does that mean you'll find me standing on a street corner carrying a sign that says, "God hates fags" I'll be damned if I do! I am not Jesus, I cannot save anyone from their own destructive lifestyles. I can only show them the love of Jesus Christ and pray that the Holy Spirit would bring about conviction unto repentance in their life. Therefore, while I do not endorse homosexuality, I am not going to turn my spiritual beliefs into causation for a witch-hunt that will only push those I'm trying to reach with the message of Jesus Christ.
In the eyes of Fred Phelps and his church, I am probably be going to hell, and to that I say this, "Great, I'll see you there, faggots!"
Until next time,
De Facto
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Amori Est Aeterna I: An Assignment from Hell
For those of you who have been reading my blog regularly, you probably remember one of my first entries, When I Was Five, but if not I'll summarize it quickly. Most five-year old children dream of being firefighters, doctors, policemen, and Bob the Builder. Unlike them, I had the lofty dream of being a husband. It is my firm belief that God planted that desire within me and has been grooming me to fulfill that dream for whatever God-glorifying purpose it may serve.
Now, it had never occurred to me in such terms that Satan would be on assignment to destroy my dream. It has been said that you don't need to kill a man, but rather if you kill his dream he is only a walking corpse. It may seem somewhat unbelievable that a charismatic prayer warrior like myself would not realize this, but sometimes head knowledge doesn't fully make it's way to the heart and therefore gets shoved away into the intellectual caverns of a prepossessed mind. Spiritual warfare is not an unfamiliar term, and while some like to chalk everything that goes wrong in their lives up to spiritual warfare, it may surprise some of you to know that that isn't far from the truth. In John 10:10 Satan is compared to a thief out to steal, kill, and destroy. It is not even a stone's throw away from absolute truth to assume that Satan may never physically destroy his targets, but if he can destroy the dreams, hopes, and aspirations then he doesn't need to kill the body; souls are really what's important to him anyway.
Over the past months I have been wavering between two extremes: love cannot exist and love abounds throughout the very fabric of all that exists. I know within my essence, that is my soul and spirit, that love the single greatest gift mankind can exchange. So why would go from that belief to, "love cannot exist?" To say that the devil made me do it is really dishonest and not taking responsibility for the choices I have made. Jesus told His disciples that they would be fishers of men, but did it ever occur to anyone that Satan is also a fisher of men? In my case, Satan dangled the bait out in front of my face and I bit. Satan can't make you do anything unless you first give him the authority, and when I started to believe his lies I began a downward spiral in my thinking that led to a whole host of absurd and bitter rantings. Make no mistake, it was my choices that led me to this thinking, Satan merely provided the material with which I then disseminated into dark thoughts and ill-spoken words.
I'll end this with the theme of my next rant on love, in the words of my Bible study leader and pastor,
You can't have love this way (points from himself to the crowd)
If you don't have love coming and going this way (points to the sky and then back to himself).
Until next time, which could be as early as a few hours,
De Facto
Now, it had never occurred to me in such terms that Satan would be on assignment to destroy my dream. It has been said that you don't need to kill a man, but rather if you kill his dream he is only a walking corpse. It may seem somewhat unbelievable that a charismatic prayer warrior like myself would not realize this, but sometimes head knowledge doesn't fully make it's way to the heart and therefore gets shoved away into the intellectual caverns of a prepossessed mind. Spiritual warfare is not an unfamiliar term, and while some like to chalk everything that goes wrong in their lives up to spiritual warfare, it may surprise some of you to know that that isn't far from the truth. In John 10:10 Satan is compared to a thief out to steal, kill, and destroy. It is not even a stone's throw away from absolute truth to assume that Satan may never physically destroy his targets, but if he can destroy the dreams, hopes, and aspirations then he doesn't need to kill the body; souls are really what's important to him anyway.
Over the past months I have been wavering between two extremes: love cannot exist and love abounds throughout the very fabric of all that exists. I know within my essence, that is my soul and spirit, that love the single greatest gift mankind can exchange. So why would go from that belief to, "love cannot exist?" To say that the devil made me do it is really dishonest and not taking responsibility for the choices I have made. Jesus told His disciples that they would be fishers of men, but did it ever occur to anyone that Satan is also a fisher of men? In my case, Satan dangled the bait out in front of my face and I bit. Satan can't make you do anything unless you first give him the authority, and when I started to believe his lies I began a downward spiral in my thinking that led to a whole host of absurd and bitter rantings. Make no mistake, it was my choices that led me to this thinking, Satan merely provided the material with which I then disseminated into dark thoughts and ill-spoken words.
I'll end this with the theme of my next rant on love, in the words of my Bible study leader and pastor,
You can't have love this way (points from himself to the crowd)
If you don't have love coming and going this way (points to the sky and then back to himself).
Until next time, which could be as early as a few hours,
De Facto
Monday, June 21, 2010
The Pain of Withdrawal
In case you have not yet been privy to this information, for about a month now I have relapsed in my smoking. I'm not proud of it, but I am trying to be honest. I'm writing this entry because I feel that some people callously push me to quit or talk down to me as if I don't know what it is I'm doing to myself with each puff. Some mean well when they encourage me to stop smoking, others it's not so apparent as to their intentions. What none of them realize is what it takes to quit. Most of the people who have smoked before and quit have not been the ones getting on my case about it. They don't usually say much about my smoking at all, perhaps because they know what it is I'm going through and they know like I do what it takes to quit.
Most of you probably don't want to know what I'm about to share with you. You'd all like to think that quitting is as simple as deciding to quit and then all you have to do is throw away your cigarettes. You probably wish that I would not burst that illusion, that I would not tear that shred of ignorance from your ideal "reality" which you find so comforting. I'm afraid that the only way I can spare you from enlightenment is to tell you to not read this entry. If you don't read this entry though, I consider you a coward. The world is not made of daisies and daffodils, but of blood, sweat, and tears. The world is what we make it by our own perseverance, and by quitting smoking I can make it a better place by increasing my chances of having a bigger positive impact on it.
To give you an idea of what quitting takes, I'm going to relay to you a story of what happened to me last night when I went into withdrawal. It was about midnight and I was steadily getting more irritable. I was casually thinking up ways to come up with some money so that I could buy a pack. As the night drew on, I was becoming more desperate, to the point where I couldn't sit still. I was digging in coat pockets, rummaging through random drawers, searching through the crevices in my furniture. I became so tense that my teeth were practically mashed together as one. Eventually there was this terrible aching throughout my body, like my blood was boiling beneath my skin and my joints were exploding with pressure. My hands were shaking and I could not stop tapping my feet. I chewed on gum to keep from grinding my teeth but I knew I had to find some money or I was not going to be able to sleep that night. It got to the point where I was contemplating stealing money from someplace, but all the while my mind knew that I would not forgive myself if I compromised my integrity for something as low as cigarettes. After a little while I didn't care anymore what it took to get that money, so I ran to my room and ripped it apart. I searched everywhere for even just a dime. Eventually I found two dollars in an old envelope where I kept money that I was saving for random things. After counting up all my silver, I drove to the gas station and bought a pack of my regular Marlboro 27's.
After smoking two cigarettes, I was limp as a wet noodle, and I thought to myself, "This is the most fucking stupid thing I've ever gotten myself into."
So instead of reminding me of how I need to quit, just imagine the pain of your blood boiling beneath your skin and encourage me to keep going with my plans to quit cold turkey. If you know me personally, call me up and ask me how I'm doing.
Until next time,
De Facto
Most of you probably don't want to know what I'm about to share with you. You'd all like to think that quitting is as simple as deciding to quit and then all you have to do is throw away your cigarettes. You probably wish that I would not burst that illusion, that I would not tear that shred of ignorance from your ideal "reality" which you find so comforting. I'm afraid that the only way I can spare you from enlightenment is to tell you to not read this entry. If you don't read this entry though, I consider you a coward. The world is not made of daisies and daffodils, but of blood, sweat, and tears. The world is what we make it by our own perseverance, and by quitting smoking I can make it a better place by increasing my chances of having a bigger positive impact on it.
To give you an idea of what quitting takes, I'm going to relay to you a story of what happened to me last night when I went into withdrawal. It was about midnight and I was steadily getting more irritable. I was casually thinking up ways to come up with some money so that I could buy a pack. As the night drew on, I was becoming more desperate, to the point where I couldn't sit still. I was digging in coat pockets, rummaging through random drawers, searching through the crevices in my furniture. I became so tense that my teeth were practically mashed together as one. Eventually there was this terrible aching throughout my body, like my blood was boiling beneath my skin and my joints were exploding with pressure. My hands were shaking and I could not stop tapping my feet. I chewed on gum to keep from grinding my teeth but I knew I had to find some money or I was not going to be able to sleep that night. It got to the point where I was contemplating stealing money from someplace, but all the while my mind knew that I would not forgive myself if I compromised my integrity for something as low as cigarettes. After a little while I didn't care anymore what it took to get that money, so I ran to my room and ripped it apart. I searched everywhere for even just a dime. Eventually I found two dollars in an old envelope where I kept money that I was saving for random things. After counting up all my silver, I drove to the gas station and bought a pack of my regular Marlboro 27's.
After smoking two cigarettes, I was limp as a wet noodle, and I thought to myself, "This is the most fucking stupid thing I've ever gotten myself into."
So instead of reminding me of how I need to quit, just imagine the pain of your blood boiling beneath your skin and encourage me to keep going with my plans to quit cold turkey. If you know me personally, call me up and ask me how I'm doing.
Until next time,
De Facto
Monday, June 14, 2010
Who Governs the Government?
Thomas Jefferson is often quoted as having said, "People should not fear their governments, rather governments should fear the people." He may or may not have said that, but I do have a quote that equivocally drives home the same message, "When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."
As a conservative anarchist, meaning I believe that in order to restore the Republic back to what our Founding Fathers created there needs to be a complete overhaul in the government system, I believe that this quote reaches to the very core of what is wrong with our perverted form of a representative democracy. Instead of the Government being a faceless entity that serves the people, we have faceless people serving a one-man government. I'm not referring to President Obama, I'm actually referring to the fact all it takes is one wo/man to rise up with an agenda and they can push policy until it happens. They do what they want and it's always about control. This is not exclusive to progressives or the Democratic Party, as the Republican Party is rife with phonies from fascists to spineless worms who would sell their soul to win an election.
You know what's the worst part about all this? My ranting will do nothing, because I am one man. This country is by the people, for the people; meaning that we can change this country to whatever we want. Right now we have elected people who are pushing this country towards communism, and no, I won't be able to explain how they are doing it in this little blog. My attention span is wearing thin right now and I just don't feel like staring at the computer screen anymore. Be warned, the worst thing anyone can do is be apathetic about politics. I'd rather have someone vehemently oppose me politically than someone who doesn't have a stance at all.
Until next time,
De Facto
As a conservative anarchist, meaning I believe that in order to restore the Republic back to what our Founding Fathers created there needs to be a complete overhaul in the government system, I believe that this quote reaches to the very core of what is wrong with our perverted form of a representative democracy. Instead of the Government being a faceless entity that serves the people, we have faceless people serving a one-man government. I'm not referring to President Obama, I'm actually referring to the fact all it takes is one wo/man to rise up with an agenda and they can push policy until it happens. They do what they want and it's always about control. This is not exclusive to progressives or the Democratic Party, as the Republican Party is rife with phonies from fascists to spineless worms who would sell their soul to win an election.
You know what's the worst part about all this? My ranting will do nothing, because I am one man. This country is by the people, for the people; meaning that we can change this country to whatever we want. Right now we have elected people who are pushing this country towards communism, and no, I won't be able to explain how they are doing it in this little blog. My attention span is wearing thin right now and I just don't feel like staring at the computer screen anymore. Be warned, the worst thing anyone can do is be apathetic about politics. I'd rather have someone vehemently oppose me politically than someone who doesn't have a stance at all.
Until next time,
De Facto
Monday, June 7, 2010
Allegories, Metaphors, and Hidden Messages- Oh my!
Only about 15 hours ago I finished transcribing one of the earliest short stories, that is of course excluding all the nonsense I wrote when I was a little kid, and the first comment I recieved was quite positive with one minor note. My reviewer noted that they got the impression that there may be a metaphorical property to my story. Well, Reviewer, I must congratulate you for picking up on the whole purpose of why I wrote that story without having any background on the story- no sarcasm intended. It was completely one big metaphor, more accurately termed an allegory that I had been stewing over for a couple weeks before I finally put pen to paper and wrote it down. By the way, if you have no idea what I'm talking about you can read the story here: The Young Lady and Her Manor of Pain. What I'm about to say may or may not make any sense unless you've read the story.
Let's wind the clocks back a couple years to my junior year of high school. And before someone says it in a comment, yes, that winding the clocks back line does remind me of the Joker from Dark Knight. Anyway, my then-girlfriend, Sparrow, had inspired me to write this story I had been throwing around in my mind for some time. The concept was simple; explain God's love for His children in a way that doesn't come across as preachy or condemning, as that would defeat the whole purpose. I'll admit that the character of the young lady was inspired by my ex-girlfriend, although many of the psychological, spiritual, physical, and emotional problems the young lady had are real-life analogies to problems many women face. Not only do women struggle with these problems, but often times we act out in the same way the young lady did towards the young man in the way we treat God.
Sometimes we'd rather stay in the comfort of our own turmoil because it's all we've ever known rather than give it up to God. We'd rather suffer with the things that tie us down emotionally, physically, intellectually, or spiritually rather than surrender it over to God. Sometimes we can be stubborn even listening to God. The young man, who was loosely analogous for Christ, tried to deliver a gift from the King. Sometimes we're like the young lady, we just refuse it because we can't or refuse to understand why someone so powerful would want give us a gift. The truth that I tried to convey in the dialogue between the young man and the young lady during the interraction when she refuses his gift is that God's grace and forgiveness is not something that can be earned, it is a gift that He offers out of His love and desire to see all those want to spend eternity with Him have a chance to have that.
On top of that, I find myself slightly obssessed with Father-Daughter relationships, and not in the creepy way that Adult FanFiction is. I think it has something to do with the fact that I think Father-Daughter relationships accurately portray how God the Father loves His children. Anyways, that's all I have to say about that.
I am normally really hesitant to share the meanings of short stories because I feel that it ruins it for those who didn't interpret it the same way as I intended it. On top of that, I don't want those who do not follow Christ to read the explanation and feel like they've bee tricked into reading a Bible story. If I was going to make you read a Bible story, I'd copy a Bible story, but instead of just shoving stuff down your throat, I'd rather explain why it is I have chosen God by portraying Him in a way that isn't judgmental or preachy.
Until nex time,
De Facto
Let's wind the clocks back a couple years to my junior year of high school. And before someone says it in a comment, yes, that winding the clocks back line does remind me of the Joker from Dark Knight. Anyway, my then-girlfriend, Sparrow, had inspired me to write this story I had been throwing around in my mind for some time. The concept was simple; explain God's love for His children in a way that doesn't come across as preachy or condemning, as that would defeat the whole purpose. I'll admit that the character of the young lady was inspired by my ex-girlfriend, although many of the psychological, spiritual, physical, and emotional problems the young lady had are real-life analogies to problems many women face. Not only do women struggle with these problems, but often times we act out in the same way the young lady did towards the young man in the way we treat God.
Sometimes we'd rather stay in the comfort of our own turmoil because it's all we've ever known rather than give it up to God. We'd rather suffer with the things that tie us down emotionally, physically, intellectually, or spiritually rather than surrender it over to God. Sometimes we can be stubborn even listening to God. The young man, who was loosely analogous for Christ, tried to deliver a gift from the King. Sometimes we're like the young lady, we just refuse it because we can't or refuse to understand why someone so powerful would want give us a gift. The truth that I tried to convey in the dialogue between the young man and the young lady during the interraction when she refuses his gift is that God's grace and forgiveness is not something that can be earned, it is a gift that He offers out of His love and desire to see all those want to spend eternity with Him have a chance to have that.
On top of that, I find myself slightly obssessed with Father-Daughter relationships, and not in the creepy way that Adult FanFiction is. I think it has something to do with the fact that I think Father-Daughter relationships accurately portray how God the Father loves His children. Anyways, that's all I have to say about that.
I am normally really hesitant to share the meanings of short stories because I feel that it ruins it for those who didn't interpret it the same way as I intended it. On top of that, I don't want those who do not follow Christ to read the explanation and feel like they've bee tricked into reading a Bible story. If I was going to make you read a Bible story, I'd copy a Bible story, but instead of just shoving stuff down your throat, I'd rather explain why it is I have chosen God by portraying Him in a way that isn't judgmental or preachy.
Until nex time,
De Facto
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
God is Love, We Can Not (Be)
The statement, "God is Love" is taken at face value for a lot of Christians, but how many think about it more in depth? If God is Love, then Love is perfect. We are human beings and human beings are imperfect. If no human beings are perfect, and Love is perfect, then no human beings can Love. The problem becomes more clear now, doesn't it? How can we mere human beings ever truly Love anything if Love is perfect? We can imitate Love by exhibiting the attributes thereof; patience, kindness, contentment (opposite of envy), humility, politeness, selflessness, slow to anger, forgiving, rejoicing in truth, protecting, trusting, hopeful, and persevering, but we can never do all these things perfectly in the way that Love can.
One theory I would submit as plausible is that with Love inside of us, we become more like Him, and therefore we are more and more able to Love. The flesh is the antithesis of Love, with it we can only attempt a perverse imitation of Love which has no real merits because the flesh is always serving itself. The more we come into union with Christ the more we can reflect the change within with an outwards more perfected imitation of Love. Afterall, the Bible says to, "Be imitators of God" in Ephesians 5:1. We may never be able to do it perfectly, but God says to us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Paul goes so far as to say that he then boasts in his weakness so that Christ's power may rest on him.
This is probably one of the shortest entries I've made that actually had deep thoughts involved, but that's alright. Sometimes clarity and brevity are the best. As a side note, I think you all might enjoy my updated Me In Five Songs playlist. You can find a link to a pop-out player on the right. Yeah, it's that ugly black button that says "Pop-Out Player"
Until next time,
De Facto
One theory I would submit as plausible is that with Love inside of us, we become more like Him, and therefore we are more and more able to Love. The flesh is the antithesis of Love, with it we can only attempt a perverse imitation of Love which has no real merits because the flesh is always serving itself. The more we come into union with Christ the more we can reflect the change within with an outwards more perfected imitation of Love. Afterall, the Bible says to, "Be imitators of God" in Ephesians 5:1. We may never be able to do it perfectly, but God says to us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Paul goes so far as to say that he then boasts in his weakness so that Christ's power may rest on him.
This is probably one of the shortest entries I've made that actually had deep thoughts involved, but that's alright. Sometimes clarity and brevity are the best. As a side note, I think you all might enjoy my updated Me In Five Songs playlist. You can find a link to a pop-out player on the right. Yeah, it's that ugly black button that says "Pop-Out Player"
Until next time,
De Facto
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