Agendo Veritatem

Moving!

2011-06-14T04:48:00.002-05:00

My blog is moving to a similar, but NOT altogether familiar blog page: Agendo Veritatem

James 1:27

2011-06-13T00:31:00.002-05:00

James 1:27 - "Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world."

I find myself going back to this Scripture time and time again when talking about what we as Christians should be doing with ourselves during our time on this earth. People talk about reaching the lost, about being witnesses to the world, and all those catchy phrases that sound so noble; what the heck are they saying? What does that mean? Denomination after denomination has their own brand of what it means to carry out the Great Commission, but yet so few take in to account what James says in his letter here. This, my friends, is quite sad considering the thing is so small and yet contains so much truth. We cannot discount these words as merely an additional perspective, but instead should base the foundation of our approach on it. Paul writes to the Family with clarifications about what is and isn't acceptable ways to conduct ourselves, but nothing he says contradicts what James writes about in his letter!

Is it not clear then, that we are to be doing this work for the Lord? That we are to look out for the orphans and take of the widows in their time of need, what about that is so challenging? Oh yeah, I remember... It doesn't involve big rallies with loud music and flashing lights, nor does it mean that we're in the spotlight soaking up the attention of our peers and friends. No, this means we'd be in the background. We may not be known by name, and we'll never be celebrities, but that would be so much better than what we're known for now (image). Let's face it, our reputation as hypocritical cloud-sniffing nuts is well-earned. The fact is that we cannot change this image ourselves, but we must further embrace the Christ-like lifestyle which is laid out for us in Scripture and it is only by the Holy Spirit we can succeed at this. We cannot sit back and let things continue the way they have been. Things are not business as usual, unless you want to watch our generation become an apathetic and uselessly numb group of deceived individuals who think they have it all figured out.

The part many of us take for granted is the second part of the verse, "and to keep [one]self unspotted by the world." The greatest deception which many Christians fall into, at least from my observation, is to think that we have this one in the bag. The idea that we could possibly have that concept completely unraveled and applied to our daily lives would be to suggest we are in perfect union with Christ and no longer sin. Folks, I feel like there is so much about the command to keep ourselves untainted by the world that I still don't understand.

For example, I personally have a very rough vocabulary. I drop profanities like the US drops bombs, that is to say quite frequently and without much provocation. This is not something I'm proud of, because frankly it's rather unprofessional and makes me sounds less intelligent than I am in actuality. This Scripture strongly indicates to me that this concept of not being tainted by the world means that I shouldn't talk like the rest of the world. It's hard though, to drop a bad habit when surrounded by people who have that habit themselves. It's like trying to dry a hand towel by hanging it up on a rack at the bottom of a swimming pool. That is why we all need a group of friends who are spiritually running in the same direction as you. Are there others among your group that struggle with profanity? Hold each other accountable! Sometimes it's enough to be in the presence of those you know who don't appreciate foul language, as was the case when I was with my InterVarsity friends; I found myself using profanities a lot less after spending time with them. Other times, it may take a few dedicated friends who will commit to kicking your sorry behind every time you use a word you shouldn't have. It may take some spiritual renewal, get into the Scripture and study it. Often times our language reflects where we're at spiritually in our hearts (Luke 6:45), and I will be the first to admit that I have not been in the best of places the past several months.

We can be more than this. The question is will we follow the Simple Way?

We be forever lovin' Jah-Yeshua,
James

Change

2011-06-06T06:14:00.002-05:00

Everyone wants change in everything, except for themselves.

Oi! If only it were as easy to see the things about myself which needed changing as it is to see the things in the world that need changing. Worse yet is that when I do manage to see something wrong with me I don't always have an immediate fix to the problem. So why is it then that we presume to have an immediate fix to the problems in the world and in each other? I know that for myself it seems so easy to look on from the outside and judge the situation too quickly and decide that I know what can be done to solve the problem. This gets me into a lot of trouble and I confess that more times than not, I tend to make more problems than solve the preexisting ones.

Folks, when it comes to relationships, there is one thing that you must not do if you hope to have a healthy relationship and that is try to change the person with whom you are with. Yes, they may have flaws and they may drive you nuts at times. Believe me, I am sure that my friends and family can see my flaws like blinding headlights, but the ones who cared the most didn't try to simply insert themselves into my problems and make me change. Those who have done so failed miserably. For example, when it comes to smoking. Lots of people have tried to intervene and tell me what I should do to quit smoking and think that they're doing right. They mean well enough, for the most part, but nothing good has come of it. Now, others have found more creative and constructive ways of encouraging me to quit, but that was outside the realm of trying to actually change me.

But aren't you trying to change us by writing about what we shouldn't do?

Not necessarily, I'm trying to provoke you to think critically about the way we all have a tendency to want to fix other people's problems while our own fall by the wayside. If I were to single out a person or a group of people and tell them what they need to do to fix their specific problem, then that might be more akin to the very thing I'm talking about. I can't make you do anything, and I would not presume to know how you should best go about fixing your problems because I don't know them or the intricacies of the ones you face. I can only suggest that there is a better way to handle the problems you see in others and the world by making changes in yourself.

Romans 12:2 says that we are not to be conformed, but transformed by the renewing of our mind so that we may prove that which is good, acceptable, and perfect in the will of God. Again in James 1:27, we are told that the only true religion which God finds acceptable is to take care of the orphans and widows while keeping ourselves uncontaminated by the world. Therefore, I know that for myself I can start with cleaning up my mind. Where are my thoughts going? What do I spend my time thinking about and is it glorifying God? Are there areas of my mind that I've been locking away in a secret place to try to keep God out, a proverbial red-tape so that I don't have to change some of the worst things about myself? God forgive me, because I know that I do. I know there are secrets that lurk in the dark and feed of my unwillingness to surrender them to You. So please, Lord, I'm asking you to cleanse my mind and help me have a change in attitude, a change in heart, and a change in mind so that I may be transparently honest with you regardless of what I do, say, or think.

Send revival, start with me.

Nada para Tu, Senhor,
James

Masturbation: Ambiguity Abounds

2011-06-01T04:42:00.001-05:00

Dear brothers and sisters in the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ,

I realize that this subject is often difficult to discuss, much less be transparently honest and open about with each other. I also recognize the level of discomfort there usually is when discussing such a sensitive topic across the gender divide. The problem is that the rest of the world is already out there and talking about it. They are flaunting their new-found sexual freedoms (due to our sexually saturated society) and masturbation is the one subject which we seem to shy away from and for many reasons. As followers of Jesus, we long to be sexually pure, but sometimes we take it to such an absolutist extreme that we forget our own frailty and set ourselves up for failure. What results is an overwhelming amount of shame, fear, and self-hatred. Brothers and sisters, did Christ not die so that we could be free from those things? Weren't we all at one point or another slaves to those things, sometimes even now struggling to surrender and overcome them? If Christ is truly our savior, then we must throw off the shackles of fear and embrace a new kind liberty which is afforded to us through the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ.

I have written about this subject several times; on occasion I have been too flippant, while other times too harshly spoken. I pray that I do not err on either side of that spectrum. There's is no perfect clarity on the issue, as many cannot seem to agree on the issue of masturbation. I remember reading many an article citing a story in Genesis 38:8-10 as a source of proof that masturbation was a sin. In my own youth group, a young preacher mentored the young men of our group with a quote of Scripture from Matthew 5:30 and for a while I was an adamant believer in this doctrine of zero tolerance for masturbation. Then there was a much heated debate among a community of believers regarding the issue and I was directed to an article from Dr. James Dobson, formerly of Focus on the Family. In this article Dr. Dobson told the story of how he as a boy was guilt-ridden over the the great temptation to masturbate, but his father simply told him that God did not condemn him for masturbating and the guilt was whisked away like dust in the wind. While this was astonishing to read, coming from such a conservative figurehead like Dr. Dobson; it did very little to alleviate my fears that God would send me straight to Hell for masturbating.

Let us back up for a moment and ask why do people masturbate? Many hardline conservative followers of Jesus would probably answer that masturbation has to do with sexual lust. Unfortunately, they're only partially correct. That is one reason why people masturbate. There are many similar, sometimes dehumanizing trains of thought that basically reduce the human being to animal-like comparisons because of their inclination to masturbate. This is nothing but scare-tactics based on the belief that fear of sin will lead a person to live a life of righteousness. This strategy falls short of understanding that true loyalty and obedience comes from a love of God and His righteousness. Scare-tactics only serve to subdue the youth with shame, fear, and self-hatred while festering a growing bitterness towards those who imposed these scare-tactics on them: "The Church". It is because of this vicious cycle of religious right-wing preachers and pastors who have turned away so many already that I feel compelled to write on the subject of masturbation.

The truth is that masturbation is more than something that is simply gratifying, but also a biological device to release certain chemicals into and out of the body. Looking at the science of our reproductive cycles there is a certain point at which the body releases semen (males) or lubricates the vagina (females). There are mixed opinions in the medical and science communities about why our bodies do this, but there is one strong correlation between masturbation and nocturnal emissions (wet dreams). It has been found that those who masturbate have fewer nocturnal emissions than those who do. It has been further theorized that the body expels excess semen or vaginal lubrication through the nocturnal emission process, but those who masturbate would not have an excess of semen/vaginal lubricant. I should point out that one of the last great researchers into the correlation between masturbation and wet dreams had evidence that showed the correlation could be seen but not proven as a cause and effect relationship. For men who have experienced the embarrassment and possible confusion of having a nocturnal emission and waking up to the mess of it can see how the idea of having fewer of them through masturbation is nearly incentive enough. Women are lucky because vaginal lubrication during a nocturnal emission can occur and go unnoticed. Another reason is that masturbation is a natural means of stress relief, however I would like to point out that sex experts and therapists are beginning to agree that this is not necessarily a healthy practice and can damage your sexual health later on in life.

But what about those Scriptures you quoted above which had you so adamantly convinced masturbation was sin?

Yes, yes, well those Scriptures had a very young boy scared senseless. That boy couldn't think critically about his own choice to have Cheerios or toast for breakfast. Let's look at those Scriptures together, shall we? The first is Genesis 38:8-10 which tells a brief story of how Onan had sex with his brother's wife after the brother had died. What's the big deal here? The big deal is that Onan was supposed to have sex with his brother's wife so that she could have a son, but Onan enjoyed having sex with his brother's wife and instead would let his semen drop to the ground so that she would not get pregnant and he could continue to have sex with her. Preachers and pastors have tried to twist this story to their fundamentalist view that masturbation is Devil's play and that God will strike you dead if you do it. What Onan did was disobedient and adulterous in God's eyes. He abused a duty of his tradition in order to get cheap thrills out of his dead brother's wife. A far cry from condemning masturbation when looked at in this light.

The next Scripture mentioned was that of Matthew 5:30 in which Christ says that if our hand offends us (or "causes us to stumble") that we should cut it off. Now, in case it needs saying, there are many other things our hands can do that are evil; stealing, killing, blaspheming, and cursing just to name a few. Folks, trust your hardline conservative pastors and preachers to be on the "God kills those who masturbate!" bandwagon if for no other reason than to scare your vulnerable and insecure adolescent self into trying to abstain from masturbating. It's no use arguing with them the merits of masturbation, or to even suggest that it can be anything other than a sexually gratifying act. You can try, but when you find yourself arguing with someone who invokes God's authority you will find yourself fighting an uphill battle that is better left un-fought.

I'm almost done folks, now others still will point to lust as being the source of need for masturbation. To this I say, yes, but only in part. While masturbation definitely can follow from lust, it does not always follow from lust. If one masturbates out of an erotic desire for someone, we are trying to bring to fruition a fantasy of someone else with ourselves. This is lustful and is in fact sinful, rather the most base use of masturbation. If, however we can contextualize masturbation as a biological device for non-sexual purposes, then we can properly apply its use outside a lustful context. Too wordy? If you've got a fever for some young guy or gal you know and you're imagining yourself in some romantic encounter with them and that fuels your masturbatory experience, then your masturbatory experience is based on lust. But let's say you have fantasies about your future spouse, not anyone in particular; that is not a "lustful fantasy" per se.

Finally, I would like to say that if you don't masturbate and don't have any need for it then great. I don't want people to read this and think that I'm encouraging people to do it if they have no need for it. However, if you're like many who simply do but live in fear and shame of God's wrath then I ask you to consider whether you are a victim of scare-tactics or if there is some legitimacy to what is being said about your habits. You should not live in fear of condemnation or Hell simply because you masturbate. You should take care to learn what is healthy and what isn't, as well as what is and isn't lustful, but beyond that there is no shame in it. If you masturbate because you feel a compulsion to, there are many things that could be happening to you which you should consult a proper physician or licensed therapist about, but aside from that masturbation should not be something we shy away from in honest discussion and private practice.

If you've survived to the end of this and want to learn more about proper technique for masturbation that will not damage your sexual experience with your future spouse, then I suggest you read on here: Healthy Strokes. For the most part, this guy has very level-headed advice about the subject, but you should read what is there with a grain of salt. Note that this is a secular source and some of his advice is not in line with the few guidelines I've provided, and to my sisters I caution you about internal masturbation.

Sincerely yours in the name of our Lord Jesus,
James

P.S. - If you have questions, concerns, or comments which you do not feel you want published for the whole world to see you are free to e-mail me: vladimirsokolovresurrected AT gmail.com (remove AT and replace it with the @ symbol).

Myths That Young Christian Men Believe About Their Future Wife

2011-05-26T16:42:00.003-05:00

Let me preface this by saying that this information has been collected from years of listening to advice of married men, pastors, and other spiritual mentors who have given me lots of important information. I can guarantee that at one time or another I believed all of these.

My future wife will complete me.

Some women probably believe their gender has dominance on the need to feel complete, but men have it too. It simply comes out in other ways. Unfortunately, guys are just a delusional as the women who believe their spouse will complete them. Gents, marriage was never a man and woman gig, but rather a God, man, and woman show. Without God, the puzzle is incomplete and you will find yourself unsatisfied.

Speaking of finding yourself unsatisfied...

My future wife will meet all my sexual needs.

You're a young man and you've got hormones that drive you nuts at times, we all do, but unfortunately your wife will most likely not be able sate your sexual impulses all the time (And expecting her to can cause a rift in your marriage). Now don't go losing hope, my friend, because if you discipline yourself now to exercise restraint in the face of sexual temptation; I think you will find that your sexual impulses won't be out of control and therefore when you find a woman who you're ready to share that much of yourself with, then the sex you do have with your wife will be exactly what you need. Now, years down the road you may run into other sexual problems, but that's not I'm discussing here.

Are you addicted to porn? Struggle with lust? These things will not go away when you get married! It is essential that you, my brothers, understand this. Your wife is not going to be the cure-all for your bad habits and untamed sexual addictions. You must seek Godly counseling and help for that before you even consider getting married. Oh, and if you think that you can find a nice Christian girl who can be your accountability partner and help you kick the habit, then you are deceiving yourself. I have never heard a story of this ending well. Don't go there.

She will be an innocent young virgin who obeys you.

First off, I do not endorse the traditionalist view that a man must be a strict authoritarian head of the household. I lean a lot closer to egalitarian relationship structure, but that's another story.

Let's start with innocent; your wife will not be a Disney princess. If you expect her to have the innocence of a woman whose been locked in a tower her whole life and was just waiting for Prince Charming to come and take her away, then you're going to be seriously disappointed. Women aren't anymore immune to the influence of the world than men are. While James 1:27 tells us that we are to keep ourselves untainted by the world, chances are she's going to have some warped views about different subjects. Unless you both have locked in a tower your entire lives, then chances are you both are going to bring some distorted views into the marriage. It's important that you don't get into a relationship thinking you can change that about her, but I will cover that later (like, "in another entry" later).

When I use the word, "young" I am intentionally trying to call to mind the Western idealized female who is youthful in appearance and full of vibrancy. My brothers, at this point I recommend you smack yourself hard across the face. This ideal is an unobtainable thing which you will not find and women can try but will never achieve. Chances are, many of our sisters in the faith have insecurities because they know they cannot match up to your idealized woman, but how would they feel knowing that you're striving for that? Did God make a mistake in creating them? Are they incomplete? The fact of the matter is that, we as humans have idolized our human form to such a degree that we now have idol which we cannot ever be like.

Virgin. I think the vast majority of Christian men want to marry a virgin. I wonder how many men would hold themselves up to such a standard, would they refuse to marry the woman they love because he isn't a virgin? It's not completely unheard of, but it would seem the expectations that men place on their future wives are greater than the expectations they place on themselves for where they should be in life and their walk with God before getting married. Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with a woman who is not a virgin. Now, I'd recommend that she be tested for STD's, but I cannot tell you what you should do after that. I can say that if you claim to love her unconditionally, then those words should be backed up by actions. A woman who is not a virgin is not different from you. You're not perfect, are you? You've made mistakes? Perhaps a few indiscretions and skeletons in the closet? Unfortunately, because a woman's body is physically changed when she has sex, there seems to be an unfair expectation that a woman worth marrying must be a virgin. A woman who previously had sex is NOT damaged goods.

She is as her Father made her. Precious. Something to be cherished.

The newlywed excitement and romance will last forever/a long time.

After all, that's love, right? No, it's passion for the person whom you love. It's an expression of joy and love, but it is not love itself. It's also not what is going to bring the two of you together.

According to stats I've read in multiple books and heard from several male mentors, the average length of the newlywed buzz is between one and three years. Funny thing is, I'm not seeing a lot of marriages even lasting long enough to get past the newlywed buzz these days. And they thought marriage was hard then...

I will be her Prince Charming; sweep her off her feet and...

And you'll erase all her insecurities, fight off all her demons, and make her feel safe 24/7? What are you... Jesus? Make no mistake, Paul tells the Church that husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, but that doesn't mean that husbands should try to be the Christ for their wives. If we tried, we'd fail, and then things would really be awful because she's still the tortured little princess like Johanna from Sweeney Todd and you'll be the defeated man who never was what he tried to be... Like Shrek, kind of.

Now folks, there's probably a dozen more of these that you can think of. Some, if not a lot of them, apply to women in one way or another with a little tweaking of the wording. I just wanted to dispel a few of the prominent beliefs that young men of God have at one time or another in their life.

Amor omnia vincit,
James

Judge Me By The Size Of My Drama, Do You?

2011-05-23T02:38:00.000-05:00

People, those of you outside of my inner circle, would like to think you know me. My inner circle doesn't even know everything about me yet and they are the ones who hear the most intimate details about my life. What people see, as I understand from their reactions, is someone who is a drama queen or a diva that has little to no bearing on reality. I challenge both the idea that I am a diva/drama queen and that I have little to no bearing on reality.

Firstly, I admit that I am emotionally high-strung at times. I can get very passionate about something without much provocation. Case and point, the death of Osama Bin Laden. I was so disturbed by the massive celebrations that were being covered in television news as well as various people on Facebook changing their profile pictures to the popular (but fake) picture of Osama's marred corpse. I was very relieved to know that this legendary figure who was responsible for the attack on 9/11 had been removed from the possibility of ever striking America again, but I was so overwhelmed by the things people were saying in their joyous reactions to the death of Osama that I reacted. How did I react? I was livid. I was so disgusted that I became infuriated with the carnal savagery of so many. I saw it as such a base level of immaturity, but when I look at it in hindsight so too was my reaction to them a very base act of immaturity.

Secondly, people who think they know me should not presume to. Ever since I began my Time of Consecration, God has been teaching and working through me on various levels. I'm not saying that I've got it all figured it out or anything. In fact, the more I learn the less I know and the more I realize that I have so much growing up to do. Thing is, most people know me as this ultra-conservative fundamentalist with quaint vestiges of traditional gentlemanly behavior embedded in my routine, but if you knew me as I am today you would know that I'm more akin to a Jesus-loving nature hippy. Heck, I'm evening doing my research so that I can become a bona fide vegetarian. The fact is, I look as the things I have said and done with such certainty that it was done by the inspiration of the Holy Spirit and I am horrified. I am literally horrified to think that at one time I used to think that America was a God-fearing nation founded on Christian principles. I am horrified that I used to openly mock the LGBTQ community and that I thought I wasn't a racist because I wasn't calling black people rude names. I was wrong. Dead wrong.

While my physical teenage years are beyond me, but spiritually I feel like a teenager that is just starting to overcome all the angst and hormonal imbalance to give rise to some more insightful and well-developed thoughts, feelings, and perspectives on life. I'm going through so many spiritual changes; so much growing, stretching, bending, twisting, prodding, poking, cutting off, and removing of the old self that I am bound to make a fool of myself on more than one occasion. I'm prone to mistakes and this spiritual metamorphosis I'm going through isn't going to make me look any prettier for the cameras in the short term... However, because I am renewing my mind to be that of Christ's mind I no longer think of just the image I have upon Earth, but the image that God sees of me. It isn't the most important to me that you accept me as I go through this change, as I realize that some people just wont. What is important is that I offer you the chance to understand what's going on.

Speaking of what God sees... I don't care about this reality half as much as I do about God's reality. Frankly, I find this reality fascinating and exciting, but wholly unsatisfying in the long-run. When I put this reality in perspective as God sees, as He chooses to show me bits and pieces of His perspective; I begin to understand how truly this reality is without an understanding of how to live life God's way. So people say that I'm out of touch with reality, and in response I say, "Thank you for your kind words. It's nice to know you're seeing such an improvement in my lifestyle." Granted, that's a little bit of verbal judo, but the point is that I don't care if people think that I'm out of touch with reality. There will always be people out there criticizing me for something they don't like and many of them will probably be holding on to things of the past that didn't sit well with them. I know that I have made mistakes in the past, and I will make more mistakes in the future. The important thing for me is that I keep going, keep growing, and keep holding onto the values which have kept me sane enough for the past year.

Ready for the most insightful portion of this entry? I've noticed a few people in particular spending an awful lot of time criticizing me. I'd like to point out that if I'm such a diva/drama queen then I am not worth all the time and effort you put into ridiculing me. Therefore, I am either not a not a diva/drama queen and you simply have strong opinions (as I do) about the issues I bring up or I am one but you are equally immature for spending your time trolling me. I'll leave it up to you to decide which of those two is the case. I'd like to add here that there are others who have made legitimate efforts to offer some "tough love" correction, to whom I do not intend this paragraph to be directed at.

Interestingly enough, I was going to write about the expectations that many young men have of their future marriage relationships and crush all those silly but understandable misconceptions about marriage. Unfortunately for the one or two people who I told about this idea, I had a strong urge to write this other stuff instead. My apologies, the expectations thing will come later.

For Narnia!
James

Maturity: The Fraudalent Art of Self-Humiliation

2011-04-23T23:46:00.000-05:00

I was discussing a theory I have with a friend that maturity is truly non-existent. Maturity seems to be a delusional state of belief that we have somehow evolved beyond the behavior of who we were at a younger age. This delusion is something I have recently become disillusioned to, that is that I am disappointed in myself and no longer can reconcile my behavior with the concept that experience and wisdom has a direct correlation with our ability to transcend childish behavior. 1 Corinthians 13:11 says, "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." Thus, while we can put aside our childish behavior, we can never truly evolve beyond it; it's always there.

Maturity is a daily decision we make about what direction our life is going towards. We can make a choices that will hurt the overall outcome in life for us, or we can make choices that will benefit ourselves. Some may see a neutral area that doesn't seem to be either black or white, but I say that those choices could be small in impact or the effects thereof are yet to be seen and we are simply to linear to understand the implications of our actions. Of course there are always choices that have such a small impact on our lives that we fail to see their significance. I choose to drop of piece of garbage on the street as opposed to the trash can down the block may not result in a group of black suits looking for me, but it may be the first step in a series of choices that lead me to become a habitual litterer. Becoming aware of these small impact choices and their implications for future choices is essential for true maturity.

The past few months have been a real awakening to me. I thought I had achieved a greater level of maturity, and yet I have made some very childish behavioral choices that are so unlike the man I thought myself to be. Knowing many people who, whether they are willing to admit it themselves or not, have displayed similar regressions; I am led to conclude that maturity is not something achieved. Maturity as we have previously known it to be is delusional practice of self-deception that leads us to believe we are somehow better than the person who we were in some prior period of time. I propose that true maturity is a daily series of choices that make a positive influence on your life and on the lives of those around you. It could be said, however that the maturity concept we understand only needs to be modified to say that maturity is the point in which those daily choices for positive living have become habit. If that is your definition of maturity then it is more intellectually honest than the belief that experience, wisdom, and age have a direct correlation with behavioral patterns.

I don't write this to show off some great epiphany as indication of some ascendance to a higher plane of thinking or living. I've simply become more acutely aware of reality and what it means for maturity. I have yet to truly implement positive living choices for myself. Granted, I think half the battle was in realizing that maturity is not a sure thing, but if I wish to complete this then I can't leave it half baked. Now I must make choices that will have a greater positive influence than negative. I've got a lot of choices to make, but I pray that with the Holy Spirit as my helper that I could it all in Christ's name.

For Jah-Yeshua,
James

Gaining Perspective

2011-03-27T19:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I nearly had an aneurysm when a couple kids decided they had had enough of my preachy-ness and took offense to something I wrote about emotionally unstable individuals. I literally flipped my lid and then some. I was so livid that I was not rationally processing information the way I normally do. I even had a desire for vindication, which came out when I made a few very sarcastic retaliatory remarks. Basically, I had let two kids (legally they're adults, but they're kids to me) get me riled up... And over what? Some passive aggressive remarks that one of them makes consistently because that person won't go through the process of dealing with their issues? Wow... I really have stooped low...

Granted, I had a right to be irked. I mean, one of them basically told me that had this been a year ago that my name would have ended up on their suicide note. That is a sign of someone who has serious emotional issues.I was also told that I am abusive person who doesn't give a damn about them... Yes, that's why I've offered to help that person get out of their unhealthy living environment with funds out of my own pocket. I'm a freakin' college student and the money I have has to be so carefully rationed out that to offer to do that is basically saying, "I wont eat for the next week just to make sure that you have a safe place to call home." Yet I digress from the purpose of this entry... The way I handled my anger was so unbelievably irrational that I astonish myself as I think about the events of yesterday. In fact, yesterday should have been a great day. I had a successful interview for a job that could start this summer and extend throughout the Fall semester. Instead, I decided to let a couple of kids with some issues of their own get under my skin and ruin my entire day. It seems like I haven't learned as much as I'd like to think I have in the past three years. Oh yes, I've been down this road before. I've also been the one with issues that would drag well-established members of society down with me. I've now seen both sides of the fence, and both are just as deprived of decency as the other.

So what is a poor fellow to do? Well, back in the day the advice was to get out of the situation for a while to get some perspective. That advice seems fitting for situations that develop on the Internet. Now, to be fair, I'm not completely removing myself from the Internet. I'm still checking my e-mails and stuff, but the two places I'm intentionally avoiding at this point are: Facebook and the forum where this all started (actually it technically started elsewhere, but I'm not going into that now). I'm also going to reduce how much time I spend on the Internet and spend more time studying for classes. I don't know how long this will go for (I'm thinking 'til Thursday night), but I just know that I need to gain some perspective. If this is how I react to a couple of kids projecting their issues on me, then I shudder to think how I might handle a real world problem if it were to smack me on the face tomorrow... *ponders*

Oh, I suppose I should end this, huh?

Well I hope you all have a great week and continue to seek the Truth.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

What A Godly Man Wants (In a Wife)

2011-03-19T05:34:00.000-05:00

Leslie Ludy, a Christ-follower and publisher of an online magazine, has an article that caught my eye because of its pertinence to the Church today. You can go to her website to read the article, which begins on page 19, and after doing so come back here and join me in my thoughts on this matter. I'd like to thank a friend of mine, whom I shall give the anonymous name of Stark Princess ("stark" in this context refers to contrast, in that she is not your traditional princess; she's the kind of princess that when Satan hears a rumble on Earth, he's saying, "Oh crap, she's awake.")

Here's what I have to say about this, as I posted it on Stark Princess's Facebook:

"The goal should not be marriage, but marriage be a gift from God. Contrary to tradition, women should not take a backseat in service to our King, but should be on the forefront of ministry. Women do not need men to be counted a useful service in the Kingdom, but are useful simply because they are His creation. Women should be unashamedly proclaiming His Name at the risk of everything they stand to lose in this life, for His Kingdom should be their only homeland. Women should be on the front-lines, side by side with men, on their knees praying and fasting for the coming of our Lord.

Marriage is not something wholly wrong to seek after, but when it gets int the way of a woman's service to the King, then it has altogether lost its meaning in community of Christ. God is the only one who can fulfill our needs, and as such He should be the first and foremost sought after. When husband and wife become a distraction to each other, they fail the Kingdom in fulfilling their purpose of furthering the Cause of Christ, and ultimately commit idolatry in His eyes.

Women, I urge you that to seek Him above all other things. No man can provide for you the way that the Father can. You are not helpless brittle creatures that need constant caring for, constant protection because you have been given the same armor of God that us men have. You have the same weapons and tools that men have. Use them. You have the same commandment that we have, the same commission to go forth into the world and make disciples of every nation. To this end, do not even think about marriage until you have set to task your part in fulfilling the Great Commission."

Yes, I'm quite passionate about this subject.

Honestly, Christ-followers the world-over get a bad rep because of the history of Christianity being rather misogynistic or willfully ignorant of the significance of the role women play in the all out battle for the souls of every person of every nation. And this Warrior Poet who wrote about the misconceived notion of the "Christian Think Tank" perception couldn't have said it better; men and women are compliments of each other, but they are not essential to each other in order to be able to do the work God has called them to do.

At the risk of sounding like a chauvinist, when the Warrior Poet said, "If you’re less attractive to the world, and have a few unsightly calluses, scars, or limps because of living surrendered to God’s work, a Warrior-Poet will still count you as the most glorious, radiant, blazingly-beautiful, and stunningly-breathtaking woman to ever grace the planet." He made a serious understatement, for the simple fact that that is the sexiest woman a Godly man can find. Those calluses, scars, and limps aren't things to be overlooked as if they were something to be ashamed of; they're prerequisites! Honestly, I can't see why any man who calls himself a Christ-follower would even consider marrying a woman who hasn't already established herself as an active force for Christ.

Look folks, if you know me at all, then you know that it's no secret I have a strong desire for a spouse; I'd rather spend the rest of my days as an unmarried servant of Christ, than a married apathetic spectator-Christian. My faith is not a hobby, or a club that I joined to take up some time I just happen to have. My beliefs are the sole motivating force behind why I continue to live despite the growing chaos in the world around me. Left to my own devices, I'm a walking mass-destructive machine of carnage and destitution. Because of Christ, I am more than human, more than a conqueror, and no longer of this world; a pilgrim in a foreign land. I cannot and will not settle for a woman who doesn't have the same disposition.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Too Many Blogs

2011-03-18T01:14:00.000-05:00

Some people may feel like I have too many blogs that it becomes hard to follow what I'm writing. Honestly, I'm inclined to agree. I do have quite a few blogs and it would be hard to follow if you tried to follow them all. Let me break it down for you though. I have one main blog, that's this one, and the sole purpose of this blog is for my thoughts and feelings. I post what I thinking, feeling, learning, and all that jazz. I have a private blog, Salve Diem Celeriter, which is viewable to my mentors and friends who have shown themselves to be of high caliber integrity. I haven't always gotten along with those friends, in fact a few of them have been the ones who I've had the most beef with, but in the end they helped me grow beyond whatever was driving a wedge between us. I have a blog where I post my Star Trek fan-fiction, Fayn Desmond, but I don't update that often. I have a blog for my worship, prayers, and praise, Te Laudare, and that I update when I have something on my heart that I feel would best be written directly to God. I made it into a blog because I want people to know what I'm going through. Some people hear me talk and think I'm coming across as self-righteous, but my hope is that they can read my blog entries and see that I'm going through the same stuff. Finally, I have my Chicago Blog. The Chicago Blog is my blog for more Chicago-based things. I also post my less extensive thoughts about class and life in general.

Alternatively, I have revitalized my YouTube channel, EnDiHjobi - James' Crazy Rants where I post videos of my thoughts and feelings on various things from television shows I'm watching to issues brought up in videos I see there on YouTube. I'm still getting accustomed to speaking in front of a camera, so my videos tend to ramble-on a bit with a lot of "ums" and "uhs". Eventually, I'll get more concise and have a style that people will be able to pick up on.

So here's my suggestion. Pick one blog, my suggestion for my mentors and such is that you stick to reading Salve Diem Celeriter, and follow that one blog. If you're friends with me on Facebook you will notice that occasionally I'll make a status update that indicates which blog I've been writing in if I haven't written on one lately. If you're not friends with me on Facebook and you'd like to be, then hit me up with an e-mail: vladimirsokolovresurrected AT gmail DOT com (remove the spaces, replace AT with an @ symbol, and DOT with a period. I do this because there are bots out there that collect e-mail addresses for spam).

Anyways, that's it for now.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Thirsty?

2011-03-04T20:00:00.002-06:00

The Search Continues

2011-01-18T16:48:00.000-06:00

For the past eight or nine months I have been on a journey to find a language in which to share with my own future family. At one point I was looking at currently spoken languages, but as time passed I began to want the language to be an intimate way to communicate to my children. I turned my search to "dead languages" such as Classical Latin, Greek, Babylonian, Gaelic, Old English, and Norse languages. Unfortunately, most of these languages are ones that are either so dead that they cannot be revived for modern use or they are not suited for my needs. I talked to one of the professors, also known as a facilitator at my school, who suggested that I create my own language by picking apart the things I like about others languages and using them in a potpourri manner.

This is a possible solution, however at this juncture in my understanding and knowledge of language rather unrealistic. It's quite possible that I could create a pidgin language, that is a language which is very minimalistic and build it up from the framework; that would require other people to learn the language and speak it with each other to create a creole language that would later develop into a more complex and formalized language. Again, none of this means much of anything because I really don't know how feasible all this is, and yet somehow I have hope that perhaps with the right people (and Shimer just may have the right people at my disposal) it may be possible.

Ever since I was little I have always had a fascination with languages, and as a child I would create codes and phrases from random sounds I could make; using them repetitively to reaffirm their meaning. I had little understanding of language, but as my research indicates that could be exactly how languages are created. In Nicaragua, Sign Language was non-existent up until very recently. What started out as simply throwing a bunch of deaf children who had been branded as rejects of the public education system; turned into one of the most peculiar phenomena which has many implications for those who study the development of language. These deaf children came together with only crude gestures used at home, but over time researchers found that the students had developed a complex Sign Language that had been built on those crude gestures.

For now, I must simply research more and more, but another part of me says, "Just make something and go with it." Therefore I plan to discuss with my facilitator how might go about developing a pidgin language.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Children of God

2011-01-02T07:46:00.000-06:00

Remember my blog entry, Overkill from August 18th, 2010 outlining my explanation and apology for a major blunder on my part regarding the FTN forums? In the past few days I have worked with a friend who also happens to be one of the people who spearheaded the character assault on me during the ordeal. She has since expressed her heartfelt contriteness and we've made amends to the point where she has been my liaison to the admin and mod council of the FTN forums. As it turns out my apology was well received by everyone, except for two people; the admin and a moderator.

Bummer, huh? I did exactly what the admin had asked me to do in order to be considered for returning, but instead my apology fell on deaf ears (or blind eyes as it were.) Thing is, I'm not mad. I don't think poorly of the moderators or even of my dear friend the admin. What the admin is probably unaware of is that I know her in real life by our real names, and it is likely she has no idea that the two are one-and-the-same. The way she behaves online is so unlike the person I know and love in real life. It's actually hard for me to believe that the person that has such beef with me is the same person that's so sweet and charming in real life. So I may have the right to be mad at her and the other mod for this, but my life is too short and love is so much more important that I cannot waste more time being angry and hating people for these little things.

Oh, and the reason I even wanted to go back there was because I've been reading the books these forums were designed to discuss and I wanted to be able to have discussions, however these books are somewhat unknown to the larger majority of readers and therefore I cannot. The FTN forums seems to fill a very unique niche that I'd be hard-pressed to find elsewhere, but it also just so happens that I've burned a lot of bridges and there are some not ready to build new ones yet.

This reminds me of what Jesus said in Matthew 18:21-22, that we should not forgive someone seven times, but seventy times seven. This was not a literal figure, but meant as an expression of our unending willingness to forgive those who have wronged us. That doesn't mean we have to let people walk all over us, but we shouldn't hold things against them for the sake of wanting vindication or the satisfaction of knowing you were right and they were wrong. This is something I know I struggle with when I know that I am right, but it doesn't anybody else sees it that way. My natural inclination is to point out why they are in the wrong and I am right, but Jesus is basically saying, "Forget that, just forgive 'em and move on." And again in Matthew 5:46-47 Christ says to love your enemies. He asks what good is there in loving just your friends? Even the most corrupt and despicable people do that.

The final decision shall be made in a week from now, so until then I do not hold my breath or stir myself into a nervous frenzy. Whatever happens will happen and only God can judge our hearts. It is not in my job description as a disciple of Jesus to cast one person as the villain and another as the hero, but instead I am to spread the Gospel and make disciples wherever I go; speaking truth in love and sharing His love with everyone I meet. That, my friends, is all I can do at this point, but it is all I want to do if it brings glory to the Father.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Adrift Without Cause

2010-12-09T10:43:00.000-06:00

Have you felt like you know that you want serve the Lord, but you simply don't know what to do? For several years I've been drifting from place to place, ministry to ministry trying to find my place where I feel like God wanted me. I've done everything from ministry of helps (cleaning, ushering, and technical support) to street evangelism and everything in between. In the process I've gone to school to learn about being a minister and that opened my eyes to a whole new understanding of the different types of ministry there are that work through and in support of the Five Fold. Still, I tried just about everything and nothing fit. I could tell some pretty humorously sad stories about the stupid things I've done while I was learning to go about ministering, but maybe some other time.

Imagine my surprise upon reading the letter of James that it suddenly became so clear. Most of us are already aware that we are to go into the world and make disciples (Matthew 28:19), and that's a big but in James 1:27 it says that the only faultless religion is to take care of the orphans and widows and to remain untainted by the world. Wow! Finally, someone can give it to me straight. I used to think I need to switch churches or find the right Bible study to figure out what I could do, but in the end that stuff isn't what is important. We live out our lives doing the good work God has called us to do to the least of these (Matthew 25:40). Some might be wondering what that good work is, but the answer is so simple. Live. We live our lives to honor and glorify God, setting ourselves apart from the world, speaking truth and spreading love to everyone we meet. If we do this, then we have done the good work.

We don't need ministries, only accountability. We don't need churches, only the body of Christ. Ministries are fallible organizations of man. Churches are only bricks and roofing. Accountability ensures we are constantly in the Word, living rightly, and on target. Churches provide protection from the elements and distractions, but at the same time it offers us a safe haven from the very mission field we are called to work in. Sometimes we get too comfortable behind our rose-colored stained glass windows, and for that reason we really have to push ourselves out of that comfort zone and in the words of Kid Rock, "Get in the pit and try to love someone."

I'm not bashing any particular church or ministry, but I'm highly critical of anything that tries to over-complicate the Gospel mission with man-made institutionalization. Because of Jesus, we no longer have a need for ceremony and acts of intention. We simply are. Need healing? Accept Jesus and be healed. (Isaiah 53:5) Need forgiveness? Confess your sins and you are forgiven. (1 John 1:9) Struggling with temptations? God will always make a way out. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Citizen of Heaven

2010-11-25T03:46:00.002-06:00

I mentioned in The Drunk, The Waiter, and A Conservative Heretic that I would explain my views more adequately one of these days. Today is one of these days. I've been cultivating these views for a couple years now and I'm finally seeing the ideology come from infancy to something more mature. I called myself a conservative heretic because although I have been conservative for the majority of my life; I feel like there is too many complexities in this life to stick to labels and parties, and that's an important revelation. I've heard a lot of conservatives say the same thing, "Oh yeah, that's why I don't call myself a Republican," they say to me. I don't buy that line of carp(sic) at all, and why not? Because that's the same thing I used to say when I was 15. It's a cliche amongst conservatives and I'm getting really tired of hearing it, especially coming from Christians or followers of Jesus.

Poverty and Social Justice

For too long taking care of the homeless, poor, and oppressed has been an issue for one side of the political divide, but I feel that if you are a follower of Jesus then you should be more mindful of the needy. I am not saying it is wrong to have money, but to need it and horde it because you're looking after yourself above all else is wrong. Jesus said to love your neighbor as yourself, which means as if s/he were you. Therefore we can reasonably assume that in a world where the dollar is god, we must choose to carry our cross and follow Him. I've watched The Passion and read the story of the Crucifixion several times and I don't recall Jesus carrying a stack of Benjamins with him to the hill they called the Skull. It's very hard to abandon what we've all been raised to appreciate, and that is capitalism, but we must stop thinking in terms of the best of a bad situation. Capitalism is the best way to make money and run a business, but it is not the best way to run the Church. For many of us who were raised in "good Christian homes" of conservative slant have always seen one side of the spectrum, but Jesus saw the full spectrum.

Abortion

Abortion is murder, but in our eagerness to stop the murder are we sending the wrong message to confused pregnant women or those who have already gone through an abortion? Those of us who have always stood very conservatively on the abortion issue have been very adamant that abortion is murder, but then shall we call the woman who had an abortion a murderer? Shall we call the doctor who perform these procedures murderers? If the struggle we wage is not against flesh and bone, are they not all pawns in an epic battle for the souls of every man? Yes, we have free will and yes, there is always a choice; but how long have we looked at the problem as an issue of seeing abortion as murder? When will we start to look at the issues that brought about the misconception that we need abortion in the first place? When will we start reaching out to the women who have had abortions and offer them the message of healing that Jesus offers though the stripes He took on the Cross?

Earth and the Environment

Regardless of what you believe about Global Warming, if you are a follower of Jesus then you are steward of the Earth. A steward is responsible for the well-being and flourishing of whatever is in his or her care. As stewards of the Earth, we have the monumental task of taking care of the Earth and helping it flourish. Eliminating the Global Warming portion of the argument, we cannot call ourselves followers of Jesus, children of God, and ignore taking care of Earth. It's wholly selfish and sinful to cherry-pick the issues we want to be concerned about when Jesus asks us to abandon our old lives and follow Him. The fields are ready, but the workers few; who will answer the call to work? Everyone is called, but only those who submit themselves can be equipped for the work that's ahead.

Homosexual Marriage

Let's eliminate the question of whether same-sex marriage is moral or not, because I think that question will answer itself when we answer a few different questions first. The first question is whether everyone needs love? Yes. Do people search for love by having sex? Yes. Why would homosexuals be any different than heterosexuals who have sex looking for love? All sin is simply sin to God, so why do we treat homosexuality like it's any different from fornication? Sure, homosexuality may be repulsive to you, but fornication isn't it? I think the issue is that you've become numb to fornication, but homosexuality is still a fresh odor in your nose and you're reacting to it. Another question, does God love everyone and desire them to spend their immortal lives with Him? Yes. Are we supposed to reflect that same love and desire for their salvation to everyone we meet? Yes. Therefore, we can conclude that our priorities are wrong if our focus is on defending the sanctity of marriage. Folks, no government can truly take away the sanctity of marriage, because what is sanctified by God is sanctified by God, not man. The only thing the government can do is take away our illusion that the government is somehow tied to our practice of marriage as if government has anything to do with it.

Patriotism

Patriotism is at best idolatry. I realize that may be very hard for some to accept, after all aren't God-fearing men and women of America patriots? The fact of the matter is that because of Jesus we have been given dual-citizenship, but after making a decision to follow Christ you are choosing to forsake your citizenship to this world and taking up a citizenship in Heaven. The government will say you belong to the country you live in, but that is only the skin and bones for they do not own your soul. We are commanded to be respectful to the Earthly governments, which means no violent protesting or anything like that, but we are by no means supposed to be loyal to our governments.

Violence and War

Let me start by saying that I do not condemn soldiers, police, or the average citizen of America who chooses to carry a weapon. Thing is, those who live by the sword will die by it, and yet it seems that the only way we as humans know how to solve problems is through violence and destruction. As followers of Jesus, we are not supposed to do what the rest of the world does; war is their solution, but not our solution. The only way that we should be waging war is through prayer and worship, but beyond that we would be in the wrong.

That was a lot to take in, wasn't it? You'll notice I didn't put references in places where I quoted Scripture, and that's for the simple fact that this is not only for followers of Jesus, but for those watching the parade. If you have any questions or need a reference to a Scripture, just leave a comment down below and I will be happy to dig it up for you. Folks, I didn't write this up so that you could silently agree or disagree, if you have thoughts on this then please comment and let your voice be heard (or your type be read, as it were.) A lot of my conservative friends may be challenged by what I'm saying, or maybe they wont, but ladies and gentlemen we should not be content to watch the world suffer when we lack hardly anything at all.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

They Honor Me With Their Lips...

2010-11-21T07:12:00.001-06:00

Many people are flocking to the theaters to see the newest release, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 1. Some have mused over the competition Harry Potter has with the Twilight saga, both with two part conclusions. All the while there's a small group of folks who feel the need to have their say about the whole thing with a very dark and negative tone. It's towards this small group that I am directing this entry to, because while they are a small group; those effected by this group are large in number.

I have read all four books in the Twilight saga and all seven books in the Harry Potter series. I've seen the film versions of Twilight and the first three Harry Potter films. I enjoyed the Harry Potter books as well as the first and third books in the Twilight saga. The Harry Potter movies were sub-par in my opinion, and the Twilight movie was crap. More importantly, I have studied witchcraft of both Eastern and Western craft. There is a lot to understand about both of those and I cannot claim to be an expert, but I must establish that I am more familiar with those arts than most. I can safely say that Harry Potter magic is nothing like real witchcraft. Yes, there is the possibility that impressionable minds could be encouraged to discover the real witchcraft. There's also a possibility my kid could watch Star Wars and decide he's going be a Jedi Knight like Luke Skywalker, so I'll have to put up with him wanting to wave his hand every time he comes up to an automatic door as he pretends to have opened with the Force.

They say that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Sometimes, I am astounded just how profoundly true this is. This small group of naysayers, who preach that those who like Twilight and Harry Potter are into devil worship or tinkering with the occult could take a lesson in history. Flip back your calenders to the early 1950's. Rock 'n' Roll was on the rise and honest preachers of the Gospel began to set their sights on keeping their congregations away from the devil's music. While some preachers and pastors simply made it a point to encourage their flock to stick with the hymns, others went on a campaign against rock music to such a degree that it was a choice between rock music or Jesus. For a decade "Christian soldiers" irreverently reamed the Gospel up the arses of their church folk, turning many young people away from God altogether. In the 1960's the drug culture and sexual revolution in America hit like a tsunami in combination with massively popular rock artists of the time. Most of those little church boys and girls in the 1950's were leaving home and into the most dangerous world imaginable, the colleges; the slaughterhouse for those youth who had previously been kept in check by their parents. Professors in the '60s were exposing their students to all kinds of experimental and theoretical philosophies of Eastern thinkers warped by political agendas and anti-war sentiments. In spite of this, God managed to pull of lot of that generation back to His side, but it wasn't without a lot of effort on the part of real Christian soldiers like Larry Norman, Greg X Voltz and Bob Hartman in '70s who brought a new spin on rock music.

I look at what's happening with Twilight and Harry Potter and see much of the same thing today. There's definitely a legitimate concern about the obsession of the fringe fanatics, seeing as how they want to emulate their storybook heroes Edward, Jacob, Harry, Hermione, and Ron. They might actually try to get into witchcraft or vampire occultism. For most though, the reader perceives witchcraft and vampires/werewolves as literary devices to explore deeper issues. I don't see a whole lot of those same naysayers sounding the rally cry over Frank Peretti's book, The Oath, [SPOILER WARNING] which features a dragon that is really a demon. Are you, naysayers, going to now accuse anyone who likes dragons to be someone who worships demons? (By the way, spoilers end here.)

Christians, if you have not read the Harry Potter series or the Twilight Saga, but you're thinking about it; don't bother. There are a lot of books with better stories, while not as wildly popular at the moment, you will probably benefit more from reading these others books. If you want to read the books just so that you can say you've read them, go ahead, but you won't be any better for it. In fact, if you were to read the books so you could say you've read them, wouldn't you just be conforming to the patterns of this world contrary to Scripture? ( Romans 12:2 ) Just something to think about before reading Harry Potter and Twilight. I'd recommend The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, Lord of the Rings Trilogy and The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien, Wormwood G.P. Taylor, The Circle Series by Ted Dekker (also known as Black, Red, Green, White); Monster, The Oath, The Prophet, The Visitation, This Present Darkness, and Piercing The Darkness by Frank Peretti. If you've read all of these and need more reading material, just leave a comment on this entry.

Naysayers, check yourselves... Do you really want to be responsible for another generation turning away from God because you're a little too eager to judge a whole generation for the reactions of a few and far between? Are you going to irreverently ream the Gospel up the arses of this generation? It didn't feel good when you were a kid, so why would you do it to them? How important is it to you that you have your say on the matter instead of letting God's Word speak for itself? Remember that this isn't about you or your piety and adherence to God's letter of the law, because in reality there isn't any of that. There is only the love of God through Jesus Christ; loving your neighbor as yourself. Can you bash those who read Twilight/Harry Potter and love your neighbor at the same time? Tread carefully, my brothers in sisters in faith, for you are walking on eggshells.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

The Drunk, The Waiter, and A Conservative Heretic

2010-11-17T16:45:00.000-06:00

It's weird that just shy of week after writing about anger and controlling it, I get one of the biggest tests of my self-control. A woman who looked familiar, but I couldn't be certain, came into the gas station where I work with two friends. At first I thought all three were drunk, and I was going to call the police because I don't want to allow intoxicated drivers back onto the streets. I waited and watched and then the woman who I thought I recognized came to the register to checkout and asked for a pack of Marlboro Reds. I told her I needed to see her ID, but she refused rather nonchalantly. I explained to her that I am required to card everyone, no matter how old, for tobacco products.

At this point the woman was joined by her sober male friend who tried to buy the cigarettes using his ID, but she started yelling and swearing. At this point, I just ignored the woman and focused on her other companion, a sober female who was trying to diffuse the situation by explaining (as only friends can do) to the drunk why I had to see her ID. The drunk just continued to raise her voice at me, while I just refused to ring up the cigarettes, and finally the sober female friend asked if she could use her ID, to which I agreed, since I was all too willing to make the transaction go quicker. Finally, the drunk woman dropped fourteen dollars on the counter and at the recommendation of her sober female friend, went to the car and waited for the sale to close. The sober female companion tried to apologize to which I said, "Well, she's drunk, but she's lucky she's a lady or I would have some unkind words for her." I was still pretty shaken up throughout the rest of my shift and decided that I'm going to refuse service to any and all drunks, to the degree that if I even see them walk through the door I will demand they leave or I will call the police. My co-worker said it was a good thing I handled the drunk woman, because he said that if it had been him he would have been really angry at that point.

The same night a man, who was a waiter for the local Perkins, paid for a few items with a $100 bill. There are two types of payment I hate: checks and large bills. Now, if your total is $89.62 and you pay with large bills, then I might be quite relieved that I don't have to count so many little ones. This guy bought a couple of drinks and a snack item. I had no $20 bills, so I called my co-worker to the register to help me acquire change for the $100 bill. While I was trying to get things straightened out, another man was pestering me about some cigarillos. I got him the kind he wanted, but I still had to see his ID, since I can't sell any tobacco/tobacco-related products; unfortunately he left his money upon receiving the cigarillos and was gone. After all was said and done, I had to break with protocol and use the "Over 40" button, a choice which could cost me my employment. When the dust settled on that fiasco, I ended up paying out of my own pocket because the guy didn't give me enough money to cover taxes. I broke so many rules in ten minutes flat, I can believe I still have a job.

So I may not have gotten angry when I had the right to, but I don't feel any better really. Sadly enough, I couldn't stop thinking about that drunk woman, and about how much I want to tell her what a horrible person she is the next time I see her when she's sober. I seriously want her to come back when she's sober, so I can tell her what she did to me and then tell her to leave before I call the police. Perhaps I didn't get angry because I internalized my feelings to the point where they were suppressed and now they are beginning to surface as I think about it. I just don't understand how some people can think that this woman's behavior is funny, after all her behavior is pretty normal for drunk people. If they don't get their way, they throw childish temper tantrums like the one that happened over the ID with this woman. In what universe is such behavior acceptably humorous? And since when does anyone ever want to be like that? Oh sure, they're drunk, therefore they can't be held responsible for their behavior. WRONG! You can bet that if someone chooses to get drunk, I'll hold them accountable for every bad decision made thereafter.

Anyways, one more thing before I conclude this entry. President Obama wrote a new book called, Of Thee I sing: A Letter to My Daughters. This book is very short and features some personal heroes of our president. Fox News got wind of this book and immediately went into slander mode, since President Obama is a Democrat, he's good for nothing else, right? Fox News decided that they were going to fault President Obama for putting a "controversial figure" in his book. Who was this figure whose the cause for riling the neanderthals at Fox? Marx? Lenin? Tsung? Che? Hitler himself? Nope, Sitting Bull of the Lakota Sioux tribe. This is the part where you have to act like your scarred by the idea our President could consider him a hero. The reason why Fox News thinks Sitting Bull is such a negative character is because he killed a U.S. General. Ok, to set the record straight, General Custer was sent to remove Sitting Bull and the Sioux people from THEIR LAND. Yeah, the Sioux killed Custer and his men in defiance to the U.S. government, but history tells a slightly story. Custer was really crummy military leader, and although he had ample resources to force Sitting Bull and the Sioux to relocate; the Sioux managed to route and slaughter Custer's men. In modern times, if a general did that, there would be criminal charges brought against the general for gross negligence that would likely result in the loss of commission and probably a life-long prison sentence. Custer died in the confrontation with the Sioux, so in essence he got off with a slap on the wrist. Fox News doesn't care that they're distorting the truth to slander the President of the United States.

In conclusion, let me say that some of you are probably confused. Those who know me well enough know that I have stood very conservative in my stance on many issues, even voted for a few Republican candidates, but one of these days I will write a blog about what I really believe and explain everything more fully. Whatever you do, don't read my blog with an open mind, it just might expose you to something outside of your conventional thinking. God forbid, you might even agree with me... Ok, I'll stop now, I'm being mean.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Conviction About Family

2010-11-16T07:56:00.000-06:00

It's really hard to talk about this because I'm surrounded by people who have strong family units, not perfect, but strongly knit. I've struggle with envying those who get along with their siblings, who can go a day without fighting, and who have great relationships with their parents. Anyways, within the past couple weeks I've been pouring my heart out to God and He's been showing me things, teaching me things, and stretching me in ways that I was previously inflexible. Lately, I feel like God wants me to start treating the women in my family better. I hardly ever see my mom anymore since I go to work when she goes to bed, and I come home when she goes to work. My younger sister is off at college, and my baby sister is hardly home because she's either at work or school. For a while, I was kind of wondering how that would possible since I'm hardly in contact with them anymore.

That's when I heard that my younger sister is getting static from people because of her stance on same-sex marriage, being on the unpopular side of the issue, and said to my, "I want to be a Christian, it's just hard." So what did I do? I wrote her a letter from my heart about being persecuted and understanding that the world doesn't really hate us; they hate who is in us, the Truth has that effect on people. Then the weather got really rather testy in my little portion of the world, and so I now have the opportunity to scrape the windows of the car she drives as well as start the car a few minutes before she leaves. And finally, my mom had skin cancer removed from her nose, which required a skin graft to cover the area of her nose they took. I've found I have helped her by being honest about the scar the graft left, because I think she's way too self-conscious about it; who wouldn't be though?

So last night at a meeting when we talked about what to pay attention to in a significant other, I got confirmation that God is starting to teach me how to be a better man for my future wife. For those who don't know: women should look at the way their boyfriend/male interest treats the women in his family and in particular his mother. Men should pay attention to the way their girlfriend treats the men in her family, particularly her father. Men do need to be aware that if their girlfriend/female interest has been abused in any way by her father, there's a certain amount of grace that you need to afford for her and the way she treats her father. However, in that situation, what men need to pay attention to is if she is transferring, meaning projecting the wrongs done to her by her father onto you (the boyfriend.)

Folks, this doesn't mean that I'm ready for a girlfriend or anything like that. In fact, I'm at a point in my life where I'm certain that I'm not ready for a relationship. God is preparing me, but He could take a year or ten years (please, Lord, don't take that long.) And while there is a desire in my heart to find my life-long partner, I also know that I can't truly love a woman without knowing the love of God. For now, I'm pretty content building my relationship with the Lover Of My Soul. Waiting for my future wife used to be a chore and that's probably because I was too immature to understand what it meant to really wait, yet now I find myself content to rest in His love.

Hoc est verum
De Facto

P.S. - I realize that this entry isn't very well written. I'm really off my sleep schedule and my head is kind of spinning from that.

In Anger, Sin Not

2010-11-11T08:34:00.000-06:00

"Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath[...]" - Ephesians 4:26

Recently I've suffered a major blow beneath the belt from someone in spiritual authority over me, the details of which I am not at liberty to discuss except with the closest of company, and I want to make an honest assessment of how I reacted.

It started on Monday night when I stormed out of a meeting and drove home, leaving my personal belongings at the meeting; which someone else graciously took for me. That was definitely not the appropriate response. Yes, I was tempted to speak in anger and possibly do more damage than storming out of the meeting, but I could have sat down and kept my peace until after the meeting to speak freely in private with the person who offended me. As I was driving home I didn't even want to listen to Christian music, something that indicates I'm having a moment of raw immaturity, and bought a pack of cigarettes. (Sarcasm: 'Cause we all know that will make things better...)

I'm going to go on a tangent for a moment, and say that when using a cross as a symbolic tool for ministry, it should be treated as though it were the very Cross that Jesus bled and died on. This may come across as a religious (read: dead works) sentiment that some people would like to write off, but after the things that happened on Monday night, I feel strongly that we defile the Cross when we use an imitation as a symbolic representation and then misuse it for our own purposes. For example, if you were to use a cross in human video, don't then take it after rehearsal and pretend it is a guitar or a giant sword to be used as a weapon of carnal warfare. Instead, you should put it away and leave it alone. To do otherwise, I feel, is to defile the Cross. Again, don't get your knickers in a knot as if I'm trying to lay down the law of how to treat crosses, because I am not. I am sharing with you how I feel personally about treating a cross used symbolically for ministry as the Cross.

Back to my assessment, I went home, but on the drive to my house I was very tempted to throw my phone out the window I was so upset (not exactly angry, shaken is more like it); I just did not want someone from the meeting to call me. When I got home I told my parents what happened. I did use the A-word, although some could say that I in fact used it properly, but in my heart I was using it for shock value and therefore it might as well have been F-word. After that I went to my room and stewed over the situation. I sent the person who took my stuff a text explaining my perspective of the events that happened at the meeting and then spent the rest of the night writing. The next day I called the person who offended me and apologized for my reaction at the meeting and explained to them why I reacted in that manner. The person called back, but I did not answer because I was afraid that I would say something I'd later regret. That was probably a wise choice because I was still pretty shaken up about the events that happened at meeting. The person left a voicemail basically saying that they were not going to acknowledge any wrongdoing and that I was not owning up to all of my faults and proceeded to list these faults. The first time I listened to this voicemail, I literally did not make it through the whole voicemail before throwing my phone against the wall.

Well, that was really immature of me. I kind of chuckle now, seeing as how childish I was being, that I let someone get under my skin like that. I'm sure a lot of people have felt that way at times, though most people manage not to chuck their phone. I was using a lot of profanity as I rifled through my cluttered desk and things looking for that little phone battery, but did not find it. After about 20 minutes of looking around for it in vain, I bit my lip and drove to the store and bought the cheapest phone I could find. When I had gotten home and charged my phone, I listened to the voicemail that had stirred me to anger in a way which I reacted by throwing my first phone, and listened the whole way through. There was nothing new on the message, the gist of which I had caught the first time. So I went to bed and was relieved that I did not have to go to work that night since it was already 15:42.

I could write myself a grade and score myself based on the positive reactions and negative reactions, but that's not how God operates. Sin is sin. (James 2:10) Fortunately, God has already paid for the price of my immaturity and lack of restraint; He forgives me even though I don't deserve forgiveness. (1 John 1:9) So how did I do? I failed miserably, but the grace of Jesus Christ has covered that and is teaching me to seek Him for a solution to temptation. (1 Corinthians 10:13) God will use this for His purpose, even if I can't see exactly what that purpose is. (Romans 8:28)

I'm not doing this for glory, but for transparency. Do not misunderstand my conclusion, I made mistakes and what I did was wrong, and the sacrifice of Jesus does not justify what I did. The grace of God simply means that I do not have wallow in guilt, because I am blameless in His sight. I want you all to know that I am not perfect, I am still partly human and slowly dying to my flesh, but not there yet.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

My FedSpace Blog

2010-11-09T04:27:00.000-06:00

It's kind of weird to write a blog entry about another blog, especially when it's your own because it kind of sounds conceited. In reality though, I'm more just using this new blog I'm keeping as an excuse to promote Federation Space (affectionately referred to as FedSpace.) For those who don't know what Federation Space is, it's an online community of writers who enjoy writing collaborative fan-fiction, also known as role-playing based on the Star Trek universe 38 years after the events of Deep Space Nine, Voyager, and The Next Generation. Each person starts out with an account under the name and rank of their character, but all new players with few exceptions start with the rank of Cadet. They go through the Academy, which is a training area for players who need to learn how to write using the FedSpace standard format. Alternately, a player can opt to test out of the Academy from the get-go, however I personally enjoyed my time writing in the Academy so much so that I didn't mind going through it three times. After a cadet graduates from the Academy they are promoted to the rank of Midshipman and stationed on either a starship or a space station.

Way back in the day, I had a character named Xavier Carlson. He was a doctor aboard the U.S.S. Gettysburg (I don't remember the registry), and after about a year and half of writing I ended up abandoning my character. I don't remember the details surrounding why I did, but I think part of had to do with the fact that at the time I struggled with creativity surrounding the realm of Star Trek. When I returned I wrote for another two years as Xavier Carlson, attaining the rank of Lieutenant and being promoted to Chief Medical Officer aboard the U.S.S. Sheridan, DD-4086. I got tired of writing about Xavier though, especially since I had other ideas floating around in my head that were incompatible with who I had shaped my character into. Xavier was an emotional disconnected human being suffering from two lifestyle choices, that of his human heritage, or that of his Vulcan training. The more he tried to fuse the two together, the more unable he was to function. I was so tired of writing about him that I actually got permission to kill him off and create a new character with the same rank and points. Oh, yeah, the points; we get points based on the frequency and quality of our writing entries (referred to as posts) awarded to us on the first of each month. When a player reaches a certain number of points they are promoted to the next rank.

This new character that I created is named Fayn Desmond. His last name is said and written first, as is the custom with Bajorans. Desmond is the Chief Tactical Officer aboard the U.S.S. Sheridan, DD-4086. By the way, I love the crew of the Sheridan, the players behind each character are great people to write with. Anyway, shortly before I killed Xavier with an elaborate sub-plot (a plot that works behind the scenes of the main plot), I realized that it was very difficult to link to just one post to show to people and almost impossible to search for unless it was written very recently. That's when I decided that my new character would have his own blog, thus The Blog of Fayn Desmond was created. I copy all of my posts from FedSpace into the blog and post them individually as entries. Entries are ordered most recent to oldest and titled with the stardate and location of my character at the time.

Also, if anyone has any interest in joining you can find the site by visiting THIS link. If you mention my name character's name (Fayn Desmond), I get a few points for recruiting, but if you don't I'll just be happy we have a new player on the site. Either way, if you have any interest at all I encourage you to at least give it a try and sign up. Give it a go in the Academy, and if you like it keep at it!

Disclaimer: I feel the need to warn you that I do use profanity in my FedSpace writing. Yes, I realize that's probably disagreeable to many of Christly friends. Frankly though, I tried at first to use allusions to the use of swear words such as, "he cursed under his breath" and then I used swear word substitutes, but they just didn't have the same stylistic quality and realism as actual swear-words. However, I will never use the real F-word. I have in the past and it just seemed unnecessary after the fact. I use frak, a sanitized version of the F-word created for Battlestar Galactica, as a substitute which I think everyone can appreciate is close enough. On FedSpace, most profanities are censored by the filter and appear as red dots (exceptions are hell and damn), but I keep the profanities intact on my FedSpace blog.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

P.S. - You probably noticed that I changed the title of my blog, and that was for the purpose of using a more grammatically accurate translation of the phrase "truth in practice."

Did You Even Try?

2010-11-07T14:41:00.002-06:00

It's always bothered me when Christians say they don't listen to "Christian music"* because there's nothing good out there to listen to. I've always had an inkling of why this bothered me, but could never fully vocalize my feelings on the subject until now. The fact of the matter is that I feel that to say there is nothing good out there is inadvertently dishonest at best, and an outright lie at the core. The way the music industry works is that often times what is popular and what is good music is not always the same. Sometimes finding the good music takes painstaking searching, but most music lovers agree that the discovery makes the effort worthwhile.

"Christian music" is no exception. Bands like Skillet, Pillar, and Demon Hunter are not the only rock bands playing "Christian rock." They are the mainstream of "Christian rock" and do not reflect the whole of "Christian rock." My younger brother is really into rap music, but I hate the message that the typical scene is sending to such an impressionable youth, so I encouraged him to try setting up a Pandora radio station dedicated solely to "Christian rap." He set up a station based on Lecrae and is now discovering hundreds of artists with similar stylistic qualities, but none of the negative messages.

Frankly, I think that while it may not be apparent to the people who say that "Christian music" isn't as good as worldly music, I think the real reason they don't like "Christian music" is because their flesh enjoys worldly music. The flesh will always prefer music that encourages drugs, illicit sexual relationships, and drunkenness over the truth of the Gospel. We'd rather make excuses about how the beat is all we listen and that the lyrics don't really have an effect on us, but in all actuality we're putting garbage into our hearts and minds; eventually that garbage is going to start coming out of us.

I struggle with worldly music, because I'm not ready to say that all non-"Christian music" is bad, but I'd certainly say that you need to be on your guard about what you listen to and how much you listen to it. This past week I've been fasting from my two forms media that I get overexposed to: music and television/movies. It's given me a lot to think about, especially about how much time I normally spend doing those things and what kind of stuff I'm filling my head and heart with. Even when I'm driving to the grocery store just five minutes away, I often turn on the radio, but in that five minutes I often times get caught up in the emotions and deeper meanings of one song or another... Yeah, I'm that intellectual about even the most base-level music out there.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

* I put parenthesis around Christian music, rap, and rock because I question the validity of calling it Christian, for more about that you can read my entry, What is Christian Music? What is a Christian band?

Falling in Love with Jesus

2010-11-01T00:55:00.000-05:00

Too often religion gets in the way of the relationship with Christ which can only be likened to a bride and her groom. We get caught up in the complexities of what one theologian or another think as opposed to what God thinks. Too often we let the words of dead people who may or may not have been inspired by the Holy Spirit confine God into a distant thing of reverential contemplation, when in fact Christ is so much more than a story to be told over again and again. Christ is alive, He has risen, and His desire is to have the intimate relationship which our simple minds can only compare to as that of marriage.

It's a good analogy though, since throughout the First Testament God compared Israel to a woman and when she fell away from Him she was like a prostitute whoring herself to every and any nation that would take her. God's desire is for us to turn away from anything that would between us and Him so that we can have this relationship unadulterated. Now that Jesus has paid the price of death for the things that we did, we no longer have to live in the shadows of shame and guilt, but can rejoice in the union between Creator and His creation.

Ever since I fell in love with Jesus, I've noticed a few changes in myself. For one, when I look in the mirror I actually like what see. I look in the mirror and think, "Dang, I look sexy." So perhaps that's a little too much for some of you, but do you understand what I'm saying? I actually like the way I look, I'm not ashamed of how I look. I feel good in my skin... Another thing is that "every young man's battle" is no longer a battle, because Jesus already won the victory for me. I can't count how many times I've tried to grasp that concept before falling in love with Jesus, but now it just makes so much sense and really works. For once, I'm no longer in control, but not entirely out of control either. My passions and desires are kept in check by the grace of the Lord.

Folks, I was raised in the faith. I've been attending church for 20 some years and I can't tell you how easy it is to think you've got it figured out and that you're faith is strong; the truth is that being in love with Jesus is more than just a few prayers and daily devotions. Are you dating the Truth, or are you having a wild and passionate love-affair with Him?

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Tolerance the Pestilence

2010-10-26T07:53:00.000-05:00

In the past five years I noticed the growing trend towards tolerance and acceptance... Of what? A guy who likes to do "things" with other guys? Whatever! I don't want to know! That's their business and I don't really care as long as they don't flaunt it in my face. You want me to be tolerant of another person's religion? I am an equal opportunity hater on every religion, so I suppose in some twisted way I have accomplished that. You want me to be tolerant of relative truth and gray area ethics? Relatively speaking, I'm more tolerant than you, because I perceive myself to be tolerant. What is tolerance anyway? It is tolerating or accepting, even embracing something that may be in conflict with my own beliefs? What's that? You say that if I can't be tolerant because of my beliefs than my beliefs must be flawed? Isn't that a little too absolute for you relativists?

So perhaps that's being a little too flippant with a serious issue, but I think I'm peeling back a few layers of bologna and getting to the root issue. I bring the topic up again because my sister told the family that she got chewed out by her classmates for her stance on same-sex marriage. My first thought was something along the lines of, "Do kids still buy that Michael Mooresque logic from middle school about the GBLT community?" I'm sure that thanks to the three suicides which were brought about because of bullying over the individuals' sexuality everyone on the SUPPORT THE GAYS-side of the issue is pretty sensitive and at the same time pretty intolerant of opposing views. I can guarantee that it won't be long now before speaking out in opposition to same-sex marriage and same-sex marriage will become a hate crime. If that happens, well, you might find me in jail a few times too often. I respect the government, but I will not be silent about this issue.

My sister in faith wrote an excellent blog entry on this: CLICK HERE

The fact of the matter is that doing life God's way is not going to be popular with the people around us. God doesn't care. Really, He doesn't care. He cares what happens to you because it is unpopular to follow Him. He cares that so many are choosing to walk their own path of destruction instead of taking the gift of eternal life, but He isn't competing in a popularity contest. The important thing to remember, that while the Bible is clear on issues such as same-sex marriage, abortion, and truth as a whole; we must convey these messages in love. God has been calling me personally to outgrow my need to squash apostates and learn to spread the love of God to those who wouldn't normally listen to preaching. It's something I've wanted, but until recently haven't been willing to give God enough control of my life so that He could change me into that kind of person.

To wrap this up, I'd like to bring your attention to the PSA that made me lose respect for Kiera Knightley as a person... Aside from the fact that all she ever talks about with night show hosts is how small her breasts are. Ugh... Hollywoodites...

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

College! College! College!

2010-10-16T04:17:00.000-05:00

Is God sovereign? The answer to that could come in the form another question, is the sky blue on a sunny day? I've had a lot of people in authority from recruiters in the military to instructors in college tell me that I couldn't do this or that I couldn't do that. But like Caleb when he assessed the land of Canaan, I choose to look at life as something to be conquered knowing that God has already given me a great future. Those of you who don't have access to my private blog probably haven't heard much about my college visit in Chicago.

Finding Shimer College in Chicago was nothing short of a Godsend. This school is exactly what I was looking for in a college. I found this college at a time when I was giving up on myself and crying out to God for help because I was on my last nerve. I literally thought I was going to lose it if I didn't have some divine intervention. The thing about God is He never does things on my timing, but according to His glorious purposes and plans for my life. So I thought that I was up a creek without a paddle, S.O.L., but in reality God was waiting until I would stop relying on my own power so that He could make His own perfect in my weakness. As soon as I started looking into Shimer things have suddenly fallen into place as if I suddenly realized what the picture was going to be from the puzzle pieces.

This really a great opportunity for me and I'm really excited about it. I wouldn't be honest if I said that I'm not afraid, but I know that God does not give us more than we can handle. And yeah, there are some things I have concerns about, but the Bible says that with temptation God makes a way out so that we can withstand it. This school and possibility of getting my degree is a huge blessing since I didn't really have much motivation to go back the community college I had been attending. I was pretty much convinced that I had wasted my money going to that community college when the most intellectual conversations were with smokers on outside. The fact of the matter was though, even those conversations were very one-sided, seeing as how they talked about being open-minded... What they really meant was accepting of their ideas and rejecting the Orthodox. Shimer College is one of very rare breed of schools that encourage students to think for themselves, form their own opinions, and then hash out the details in the classroom where each individual can discuss their perspective and interpretation of the text.

Hoc est verum,
De Facto

Now This Is A Priest I Would Listen To

2010-10-09T00:19:00.002-05:00

That is if I spoke Italian...

Memoir Preview

2010-10-02T06:52:00.000-05:00

Just to set this up, I was tasked with writing the first three chapters of my memoir for a creative writing class in high school. Hoping to find some essays among my saved files, I found my opening for my memoir. I thought I would share a chapter of my memoir with you all.

The Last Things to Come Out of Pandora’s Box Were My Friends
By [Me]

Chapter 2: My Dearest Wormtongue

What do you remember about third grade? My generation might be quick to remember that it was the year we learned cursive handwriting. I remember that year was the year I decided I didn’t like math. That year was also the year I began to distrust teachers, as my teacher was abusive both verbally and physically. It’s a wonder that she still teaches in the public school system. I could write a whole book detailing my memories from third grade, but then that would not be as happy as this book here. Thinking back to third grade, which is easier for me as barely legal adult, I can remember my classroom. I can remember Crazy Bones, little plastic figures that were quite adorable and had “crazy” faces in various colors and shades. I wish I still had those things. I can remember learning about the Pilgrims and putting on a performance as Squanto. I remember thinking that my third grade teacher had the breath that reeked of death and thought that if ever I met Death; it would be her in a black cloak.

Unfortunately, my third grade year was marred by quite a few bad experiences, and one in particular needs to be shared in this story of friends. His name was [Name withheld]. [Name withheld] was a fifth grader when I was in third grade. We were more like acquaintances, seeing as how I didn’t really know him very well and he didn’t know me either. Well, I invited [Name withheld] over to my house to hang out, as I did often with friends of mine at that time. The thing that was different was that my other friends were all the children of people either from church or people my mom knew. [Name withheld] didn’t have any such connections; he was just someone at school that I met. He came over and wanted to watch Pokémon with me, but my mom wouldn’t allow, my family believed that it was an unnecessary and ungodly television show. We decided to play with my Lego sets. I used to love Lego’s toys.

Unfortunately, we didn’t play with Lego’s bricks for long, maybe an hour or so at best, until I was pressured to touch and be touched inappropriately. I remember the color of my bed sheets, the smell of his body odor, and many other details that would not make for a book written as school project. The point is that I was molested by a boy two years older than I was. Although I couldn’t see it then, that single event would have a dramatic effect on me for the several years up until now. Because of this, most of my life I have not been able to make friends with guys. I haven’t been able to befriend them like I do ladies, and that had bothered me in my earlier teenage years. It wasn’t until later that I was able to finally get over the subconscious thought that the next guy I made friends with would be the next guy to molest me.

People handle this many different ways. Although some are afraid to say it, I see a connection between homosexual men and molestation by men. I however, by the grace of God, did not go that direction. I chose a much more subtle route; I chose to forget it. I put it out of my mind, literally suppressing the memory so that I didn’t have to think about it. For many years I didn’t consciously think about it, but subconsciously it had been there the whole time. I never realized that it could have such effects on me as it did.

I didn’t let this issue go unresolved though. I didn’t exactly seek out counseling for it, but when I told my senior pastor at church that it had happened there was a lot of prayer and counseling that went on. I praise the Lord because now, I have memories, but not flashbacks. I have been molested, but I am not a victim. When I say I am not a victim, I simply mean that I don’t identify with the victim-mentality that is a natural part of the healing process when someone is hurt and it’s more than just a simple bruise from falling off of one’s bike. Now I use this experience when I travel to different places around the state performing in plays about sexual and emotional abuse to teach the youth how they are not alone, and that there is healing for such abuse.

I thank God that Christ is the Healer, that by His stripes I am healed. It’s no secret about my convictions, and while I don’t want to preach in this book, I do have to give credit where it’s due. Through Christ I received healing and have been able to bond with men both my age and older men. By His Grace and Providence, I don’t have to suppress anything; I just walk in the peace that comes from the Lord. Surely I have found the source of all my needs, my refuge in the storms of life, and the healer of all my iniquities.

For me, it is not enough to just to be healed. As a professional actor apart of the Homeward Bound Theatre Company, I went and performed in a show that addressed the issue of abuse. My role as the guy friend of the abused young lady was painful because the way it is presented is very forward and in-your-face-no-nonsense-deal-with-it. After the show I shared with an audience of about 300 youth and their parents about being molested. I had now told more people in the span of two weeks than I had told in the nine years since it had happened. I plan to continue to use my experience as a focal point for others to receive healing and freedom from any emotional, mental, or spiritual barriers that have been built up because of being molested.

So, I hope that was edifying for most of you. I hope to make additions to my memoir here and there, but in the mean time I may post another chapter of my memoir depending on how I feel about it. I'm not quite sure about it, at times I feel the writing is too informal, but then again I have to remember that it is a memoir.

Sic semper tyrannis,
De Facto

My Church is a Cult (Not really, but...)

2010-09-27T00:41:00.001-05:00

A few weeks ago my sister posted on her Facebook status about not letting Lady Gaga make decisions for you, which resulting in a flame war and in the middle someone used the Constitution and God in the same sentence which spurred two former members of my church to make personal attacks on my entire church branding it a cult. Needless to say I am a very critical person of all established religion, and I will be the first to say that while my church is not traditional by any stretch of the imagination it is not a cult.

So why would two former members of my church insist that it is in fact a cult? Set aside the fact that they were mad at my sister and others who defended her stance, those two are very progressive in their thinking; brought up on public school education with a progressive agenda shoved down their throats like "Special Kool-Aid". In essence they are the product of what my sister warned against becoming: sheep to the slaughter created by Michael Moore-esque logic. Because my church is outspoken about issues like abortion, same-sex marriage, and the modern media as a whole; we're now a cult. It's always easier to avoid the issues altogether and simply label something a cult in order to create fear and shroud the facts in a cloud of bitter lies.

I make NO apologies for my church, especially since I stand by them. My church is not perfect and the longer you stay the more apparent the flaws will be, but you could spend your whole life vainly searching for a perfect church and find none. Some people create home churches, and while there's a lot controversy surrounding them I personally feel that there's nothing wrong with them. The problem is that those attending can only grow spiritually as far as the person leading them and there is no accountability concerning orthodoxy (right doctrine). Nevertheless, God doesn't titles and buildings to train and equip His children to do the work He's called us to do. Therefore, it is my opinion God can use any church anywhere to serve His plans and purposes for the Church as a whole.

The Early Church was persecuted for speaking out on the issues of their time and standing firm on the teachings of Christ. In a small way, my church has joined their ranks. No longer are we persecuted for simply being radical on-fire Christians, but we're being persecuted for simply speaking the truth! I praise God that we are under fire from critics because God will bring us through it in the end so that we may bring the message of Jesus Christ farther than we've ever thought possible. God's will be done!

Sic semper tyrannis,
De Facto

Uncle Dom

2010-09-13T10:57:00.001-05:00

Terrance reedwater opens the gates to hell. I often wonder why I continue to live. I can't seem to find the remote. blackwater.

I Am A Bear

2010-09-12T23:27:00.002-05:00

Let me put this disclaimer right up front that nothing I say here excuses my behavior. This entry is simply a reflection on my behavior, delving within myself to find a reason for the way I am. Any comments indicating that you did not read this disclaiming will elicit a response from me summarily ripping you a proverbial new one. I have little patience for ignorant spatting responses by emotionally charged persons who want to put me into my place.

Now that I have scared away anyone from commenting, not that I really get a lot of comments anyway, but this entry is a response to the one I wrote earlier today titled, "Why a fag is my most loyal friend". It's a very mean-spirited entry that I wrote before going on the road. I came home from that trip, got nine hours of sleep, and instantly new that I needed to follow it up with something slightly more edifying.

Lately, I have noticed the stark contrast between how I behave when I've had rest and when I'm tired. I'm not talking about feeling a little worn out, but I mean when I've gone 15-20 hours without sleep. It's like I become a whole different person, a Mr. Hyde within the Dr. Jekyll. I'm short-tempered, quick to open my mouth, and slow to listen to reason. The worst part is that when I'm that tired I see the way I'm behaving and I hate it, but at the same time I feel less guilty about it because it's the only thing keeping me going.

... Now I'm really sad and have no motivation to finish this post.

Sic semper tyrannis,
De Facto

Why a fag is my most loyal friend

2010-09-12T05:40:00.003-05:00

Fags, a British idiom for cigarettes, are the most loyal friends I have ever had. Yeah, sure they'll give me cancer and kill me one day, but let's look at bright side. Surprise! Even I can be positive once in a while. A fag is always greets me a kiss. Each and every one of them is warm and leaves me with a good feeling in the end. They never criticize me for the things I lack, nor do they care that I'm not perfect. They don't complain if I don't have time for them, but they're always there for me. Fags may start to get low, but you only need to go so far as a grocer, gas station, or tobacco shop to renew their vigor.

Fags are not racist, sexist, or otherwise bigoted in any way and will always help someone out if I introduce them. They are there for me in the middle of the night when I'm all alone and no one is there to talk to. They're there for me when all the world threatens to strangle me. Fags don't care whether or not it's -20 or 200 degrees Fahrenheit, they'll be there when I need them. They don't live across town where seeing them is a rare occasion. They don't mind coming out on a moments notice. Fags are just there for me whenever I need them.

Bitch and moan about my cruel satire, but let's face it that when the chips are down and everything else is gone there is one thing that I know will be there for me to pick me up: my fags.

Sic semper tyrannis,
De Facto

P.S. - Fags don't need to be reminded when my birthday is, they're always around.

The Aching Bride: Presence and Power of God

2010-09-02T03:46:00.002-05:00

Life is chaos, complicated by our existence because of it. We have such complex brains, yet not quite complex enough to comprehend it all, for it we could would we not understand everything that we see and do? Would we not give up all inefficient means of doing anything we wanted to do in order to achieve it more perfectly? I'm probably not making much sense, the fact I'm trying to convey is that there are times when we feel like the more we try to do to fix the problems in our life we seem to make bigger messes and then we saying to ourselves, "Oh, great, now I'm worse off than I was before!" Some of us, if you're like me, want to throw a few profanities in there... Yeah, some of us need work in that area.

And then there's Jesus, who is the most patient deity I've ever heard of. He makes all of that chaos just seem moot. Seriously though, I think Zeus would have zapped me dead long ago if he was my god. Thor would have used his hammer to smack me back to before I was born. Shiva would wrapped her arms around my throat and strangled me. Buddha would have sat on me. Allah would have sent his barbarian prophet to kill me. Joseph Smith would have bored me to death with his prideful retelling of how he miraculously translated the Book of Mormon. Do you get my point? Instead of getting frustrated with me, Jesus takes my hand and helps me clean up all the garbage I've spread around in life. He shows me how to avoid making that same mess again and forgives me for the trouble I caused. He works directly with those I've hurt to heal their broken hearts and helps me to be strong enough to ask for forgiveness for the evil I've done to them. After all is said and done, all I want to do is sob heavily at His feet for I know who I am. I am the Bride that doesn't deserve such a Groom. I am Royalty because He accepts me despite my failings, takes me in, and calls me His. His!

How can I describe to you what an amazing thing it is to be Loved like this? How can I describe to you the Savior who did not leave, but drew closer and held me? Can I even begin to explain the rapture of being in Love so deeply with Someone who never ceases, never fails, never gives up? Oh and the pursuit! You want romance? How about a Lover who won't relent until He has all of me? Not like the creepy Edward stalker-like haunting, but instead He comes to me and knocks, asking for permission to gain entrance and sweep me off my feet! How about a Lover who was accused of being fake, evil, and weak dying just to show how much He loved me? Even Death could not keep His love from reaching me, for after three days, He rose again and forgave me for the very things I did that put Him the grave.

Though He left for a time, He has promised His return and left love letters that make my heart flutter in expectation and joy. Friends, if you have not experienced this Love, Love eternal, then please don't wait any longer to have it. Jesus doesn't care what you've done, where you've been, or even how much you believe in Him as long as you're willing to reach out and take hold of the gift He's been longing to you. He loves you the very way I've described. If you don't believe me, I challenge you to search your heart and then search for Jesus. Seek Him, draw near to Him and He will draw near to you. Taste and see that He is good!

Sic semper tyrannis,
De Facto

Holier Than Thou

2010-08-28T05:03:00.003-05:00

After an altercation with an admin on another forum I frequent, I became aware that perhaps amidst all the angry ranting and misguided uttering of a wounded person I may have managed to speak some truth. It is widely known and exacerbated by hateful Christians that followers of Christ can be judgmental and have an attitude of superiority. Sometimes I think in our efforts to abstain from being like the world we cut ourselves off from the mission field.

While I appreciate the efforts of missionaries and overseas evangelists, sometimes going into a situation screaming Jesus is like showing up to a meeting of the United Nations guns blazing. I wrestle with the concept of being in the world and not of it, especially with my music because many of my favorite bands have the same desire as me and yet I want them to scream Jesus so that I have something blatantly proclaiming His Name to listen to. There was a time when I would have accused these bands of "selling out", but when I think about it if they had then that would make me the worst sell out of them all.

It's come to my attention that some people may find my blog not entirely edifying or wholesome. I admit that some of my writing is not the behavior of the blue-eyed, blond-haired Christ we've all got hanging in our living rooms, but perhaps Jesus wasn't like that at all. Jesus was a homeless man of a family that had no status in the society, does that sound like your pastor? He probably smelled weird and wore clothes that didn't fit him, maybe even bathed once in a while. Does that sound like the kind of people you say, "God bless you" to in church? Jesus blatantly opposed the religious authority and their practices and taught them a thing or two even as a small boy, does this sound like the little children in your Sunday school classes?

So yeah, I'm not perfect and I make mistakes. Admittedly. I also say things in ways that perhaps you don't like. Got it. The fact of the matter is that I'm not catering the Christians who have it all figured out. Oh wait, nobody has it all figured out and nobody is walking on sunshine every day. So why in the world do Christians get down on me for the content of my blog? Should I put a Bible verse in every one of my blogs? Should I end my blog with a God bless you and a little smilie face, would that be Christian enough? No, that would only be catering to someone's idea of what a Christian should be, as if they know and understand fully what a Christian should be. I can't pretend to be something I'm not and if you don't like what's on my blog, then please don't read it. If you do, don't cherry-pick my entries to find the most objectionable and say that I'm not living a Christ-like lifestyle. Your job is to love, God will judge. Instead of wasting time pulling the speck out of my eye, why don't you get out there and try to minister to the lost and hurting?

There are lots of well-intentioned people out there who have rules for their communities about how to conduct oneself, but we must ask ourselves if Jesus were to behave the way He did as recorded in the gospels, would He be allowed in our community?

"My Jesus wouldn't be allowed in my church... The blood on His feet might stain the carpet." - Todd Agnew

Sic semper tyrannis,
De Facto

$1 Million In Armor And I'd Trade It All For A Can of Raid

2010-08-24T23:34:00.007-05:00

The title is a quote from a rather disappointing movie, Lost in Space, but it stuck with me because it seemed humorous. Unfortunately what I'm going to be talking about is memorable but not humorous. Recently Chuck Baldwin published an article called, Dates That Destroyed America which was linked to on one of the forums I frequent. In the article, Mr. Baldwin cites January 22, 1973 as one of these dates that destroyed America. Someone who stands by the decision the judges made in the Roe V. Wade case said this:

"Roe vs. Wade was the correct decision. Christians can't make a coherent case against abortion without resorting to supernatural explanations."

It may be true that for the most part Christians don't have an argument against that decision without referencing their deity or their holy texts (God sent me one last night, it said, "lol" Wurd...) I was a little frustrated when I responded, so excuse me if this comes across as crass, but I had this to say:

"Regardless of whether you['re] pro-choice or pro-life, it was wrong because the judicial branch is not meant to make laws but to determine the legal precedent Roe had to make. Roe should have lost the case and pro-choicers could have used that as a rallying cry for change within our system, but instead the judges overstepped their authority and we bent over and let them give it to us doggy-style.

Roe V. Wade is wrong, wrong, wrong and the only reason I can think of that pro-choicers like it is because it meant that they got what they [want]. I think people on the left side of this social issue are too blinded by that low-blow victory to see what is wrong with that decision."

The fact of the matter is just that. The pro-choice side may be able to make a stronger case against the pro-life position citing their scientific data, but at the same time they completely ignore the gross violation of the fundamental structure of our government. The judicial branch does not make laws, they judge whether an incident happened to be on the right side or the wrong side of the laws already in place.

I once heard a pro-choice advocate describe a fetus as a parasite and that leads me to my next point about the way the pro-choice minimalize the humanity of a fetus in efforts to chalk an unborn baby up to a mass collective of tissue. The problem with trying answer the abortion issue with science is that it is not entirely a scientific question. It's a philosophical question about when life begins. We can try playing pin the tail on the definition of life, but there's even argument whether it's about when life begins if life begins at conception. And in case you're wondering, I'm not going to try and answer those deep questions in this entry. Perhaps some day, when I have gotten myself some more kahnuhawledge and then will hopefully be able to better articulate my thoughts. But for those who were curious as to where I stand, I'm most certainly pro-life and as it was said in Juno, "All babies want to get borned! All babies want to get borned!"

Until next time, unless of course we allow some judges to decide that post-vaginal-exit abortions are legal, in which case I suspect I will not survive to write another entry;

De Facto

P.S. - I added a Link in the Spotlight section to my sidebar which will feature random links to things I think may be of interest. I strongly suggest you check out Dots for Jesus, it's awesome!

Overkill

2010-08-18T00:47:00.002-05:00

As I type this I'm a bit shaky. I don't say that to gain sympathy because the last thing that I need is for people to think I'm writing this as a grab for pity. I would much rather have people decide for themselves. Due to all that has transpired this entry is going to be a lot longer than normal, but if you're into truth seeking than I suggest you read all of this.

Along with what I said in my blog entry, which was a gross blanket statement, I also had this to say about Catholics- err, one in particular:

"Tsk, tsk, where is that charitable speech now? Am I so loathsome that you would stoup to such lows just exhaust your ire? Really now, you all claim to be of higher calibre than that, I expected more."

I post a selection of my blog entries on a different forum, Quills & Barbs Writing Club which quite of few of the key players in the incident on the other forum are also a part of. I happened to post my previous entry "A Psychological Experiment" on the Writing Club forum and was lambasted with angry responses which I deleted quite quickly because they were personal attacks. I told everyone that they could redirect their personal statements to me in Private Messages. Just as a side note, that's how personal attacks are dealt with on most forums I've been a moderator or administrator of, but I admit that was not the best way to handle it on the Writing Club forums.

Then I decided to take a hiatus from the Internet. I fasted for a day from the Internet to try and gain some perspective and I was finally feeling good about things. I really felt like I could apologize even though I felt that being banned permanently banned was a major overreaction. I was, and still am, truly apologetic for the confusion and harm I caused with my experiment of gibberish. I'm also apologetic for the blanket statements I made about Catholics, but I will expound on that later. I get back on the computer the next day and find a message from one of the mods who is a personal friend of mine (but not the one who sent me a text the other day) and she said,

"[Name withheld/ Admin of FTN Forums] said this today:
'the only way I would consider allowing him back on was if he sent me an explicit and humble apology that clearly displayed that he understood what was wrong with his actions and why we reacted the way he did.

He would have to register again, however. His account is totally gone.'

So you still may have a chance if you really want to get back on. :)

Oh, and someone suggested that if you do get back on to have a different user name, cause some people still are peeved at you, and it would make a clean slate to work with."

I was a little irked by this because it denies that they overreacted and the fact that they banned me permanently leaves me with only very inconvenient ways of contacting the administrator of Fairy Tale Novel forums (FTN forums). I was still willing to apologize for the damage I had done, because after all there had been damage done even though I didn't intend for it to happen. I started talking to a friend of mine, that's the one who sent me a text the other day, and she informed of this:

"the apology is for what you posted on my forum, not for your experiment[.]

because you attacked the forum and Catholics with that, and that's why [Admin of FTN forums] deleted you[.]"

So, I was temporarily banned for spamming the FTN forums. Got it, accepted it, and willing to apologize for it. Also, I was perfectly willing to apologize personally to the one person who felt threatened by one of my nonsensical rants. I got permanently banned from FTN forums for remarks I made on Quills & Barbs Writing Club forums. Is the picture getting clearer?

Now I was going to post more, such as things people said to me in PMs, but I don't think I need to in order to illustrate my point and that would probably be seen as an invasion of what little trust they had in me by sending me a "private" message. I'll summarize what a lot of them said: I've caused them a lot of hurt. A lot of them were hurt more by my remarks about Catholics than they were about the initial experiment. One in particular has gone so far as to leave Quills & Barbs Writing Club forums in protest of my very existence (at least, that's what I've been led to believe is her reasoning for it.)

And now for the most important portion of this entry: an explanation followed by an apology. I do not hate all Catholics, in fact I have nothing against Catholics themselves I just don't agree with all the doctrine the Church teaches. The statements I made were harsh and blanketed, a mistake I made because I was writing in the heat of the moment and being irrational about it; I make no excuse for myself there. What I'm really upset about is the fact that a small group of people in positions of authority that enforce charitable speech and behavior have suddenly gone out and done the very thing they punish others for. I also hate that they can decide to move against a member of their community that they don't like even though they had to pull material from another location outside of the jurisdiction of their community to incriminate me with. Then they launched an all-out assault (literally flooded my inbox) with contemptuous messages. And yet somehow I'm still the one who has done wrong that cannot be forgiven without an explicit admittance of wrongdoing and an expression of contriteness?

My flesh wants to get prideful and proverbially give them all the middle finger, but that is only my flesh and I am a new creature in Christ. It was definitely poor judgment on my part to experiment on a forum, especially a forum full of children (even more so when a portion of the most influential mods are children.) I'll readily admit I made a huge mistake in doing so. I also admit that I made blanket statements about Catholics that were wrong and hurtful. I was acting in a moment of extreme anger, but that does not justify it. Nothing does. Ever. Proverbs 15:1 says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." Had I kept this in mind before saying what I did about Catholics, perhaps this wouldn't have happened like it did.

So yes, I apologize for doing for an experiment in a place completely unsuited and ineligible for such. I apologize for making blanket statements about all Catholics when I really only had a problem with a handful. It was wrong and no amount of provocation justifies what I did. I also apologize that two of my cherished personal friends were dragged into this. One in particular had to run oodles of interference, text me, tried to call me, and made strong cases on my behalf as the mods and admin from FTN forums defended their actions adamantly. That friend didn't ask to be brought into this, she dove in to try to help me and in the end got burned on both sides of the rope for it. It wasn't fair and it wasn't right, and for that I apologize.

Until next time,
De Facto

A Psychological Experiment Updated

2010-08-16T18:42:00.004-05:00

The other night a friend called me up and was asking for prayer about something and then went on about living with a lioness and being a St. Bernard. I was quite shocked and inquired if she was intoxicated or had drank some contaminated water, to which she became infuriated. The next three hours were spent arguing and summarily it was decided by me that there was no evidence to suggest that this friend was beneficial to me. Rest assured that this was merely the straw that broke the camels back, I do not give up on people that easily.

It inspired me to continue my psychological research into humanity. There have been countless experiments I've conducted serendipitously, but this one was indeed deliberate. I infested my blog, Facebook, and most frequented forum with rantings of nonsensical nature. You can read the previous entry if you need an example. Most people disregarded it as me being silly, which I appreciate and even joked about me typing in my sleep (that really tickled me), but the other reaction was much more hostile. You see, while I restrained from explaining what I was doing or why, I tried to be careful about how I did it. I may have already broken a few rules of ethical experimentation by not notifying the participants that they were being experimented on, but I did my best not to break the rules of the groups in which I communicated with.

The forum I posted on, Fairy Tale Novel Forums is a group of like-minded individuals whose common ground is their like of Regina Domans modern retelling of classic fairy tales. Most of the forum members are female, Catholic, and home schooled. While conducting the experiment I took precious care not to say anything offensive. For a time I had posted my nonsense in threads that I normally would post in, offering up more nonsensical ramblings as if I truly was trying to express my ideas. The first time I did this some of the forum members went so far as to try an extrapolate a meaning, to them I owe a huge thanks, but others were not so amused. After a while I was confined to posting my ramblings in the "pointless off-topic" thread which serves as a place to post random things that pertain to nothing else. Lately however, some people seem to think that a pointless off-topic thread needs to have a point and can only contain what they deem appropriate for such a random thread, but I'm digressing now. After a few more posts I was banned. That's right, outright banned for my nonsensical utterances without a warning. Ok, so I did get a warning, but only after I had been banned. The warning came through a text message by one of the moderators who is a personal friend. It was too late though, she sent me a text after I had been banned that if I did not stop I would be temporarily banned. I am no longer welcome to that sheltered little community until the 19th at 17:31. Had I received this warning before being banned I would have stopped, written this blog, and posted a link to it for everyone to read so that they might understand why I did what I did.

Frankly, I'm both disappointed and yet not surprised. I have always believed that people fear what they cannot understand, they also fear what they cannot control. The moderators had to make a choice, do we let this guy who has been contributing to our forums mostly on the productive side continue to ramble on, or do we get rid of him? The choice was easy: they couldn't understand me, they couldn't control me, and so they shut me out. They say it was for spamming, and while I can see their point, I did upon request confine myself to posting in their pointless off-topic thread. Even that was not good enough for them, though I was not harming anyone except by means of a little confusion.

I can understand why some might be a little irked upon reading this. I know it's not the fantasy of everyone to be in an experiment, but nonetheless it happened. While this experiment has little scientific value, it proved something that I had to know about humanity in particular the good little Catholics and their charity. I'm a bit peeved that they banned me without warning, since I consider my friends' text message to be an unofficial warning, but I suppose that others might see it as payment in full for subjecting them to an experiment they didn't agree to. I'll be honest though, now seeing the measure of Man, I'm not sure I'd really want go back to that forum. I think I'd be better off with the sinners since they make no pretense about being good, holy, and "charitable".

Until next time,
De Facto

*** UPDATE ** I have been banned permanently. Needless to say I am stunned, hurt, and well... Angry...

Slipstreams of Chasms unto Euphoric Dysotopia

2010-08-16T03:43:00.003-05:00

A cornucopia of black ooze beckons the heralding tripod over the sunset. Desperately, the tin man runs through the sacks of molten honeydew to find the blackened leaf. Overtly this leads to a cascading power failure which soon brings about the destruction of the entire Vogon race. We can only conclude that dishwasher soap is the only solution. As it was suggested, dogs are the best at capturing wild Pichu since our experience shows that mysterious orbs of light emanating from the warp coil plasma injectors might destabilize the inertial dampeners. God took man from the dust, which cannot be a simple thing, as all unicorns are bred asexually.

From time to time we find that a great movie like Napolean Dynamite breaks its way through the cluttered mess of crap and makes its way to the mountain of the Yellow Dellow. Mr. Chesterton concurs with my assessment of Bolian plague, but for some reason we couldn't come to agree on the cause of the broken light bulb. After absentmindedly mentioning political office, Senator Barackus Obamas Failedus pointed out that a lanister was not suited for such breast suckling. The time to act was now, and all we had was a pair of tweezers and a diamond ring. We took a condom and wrapped it around Paul until his entire head was covered in bubble gum. The planned parenthood scheme worked and, for once in my life, I felt like a Douche King again.

It's not often that we have legends in our pissed. Seldom do the words of such loathsome creatures such as William Shatner grace the stages of Del Monstro. Captured and alone, Doc Holliday and I were sipping on some fire whiskey when Darmok and Jalad joined us at Tanagra. Pools of skittles and beef jerky as far as the eye could stretched before him. Elated, the girl ran to her father and exclaimed, "I'm a real boy now!" We can tell by the shape of the pear that God was in fact not meaning for His children to be slaves to their Creator, rather that they would choose for themselves. How then can a man be free from miasmas and foaming chocolate lipstick? Perhaps it would be better to ask how to lick the orchid until it saps juices overflowing from the orifice? I can scarcely say that Veggie Tales is merely a shadow of the great show it used to be, Jean-Luc Picard once told him that his duty was to the truth. Frankly, I disagree on the point that gravity could be defied within the confines of our atmosphere without first putting a barrier of resistance against the midgets that use our toilets.

Furthermore and in anticipation of a conclusion, Love never fails. We go from challenge to challenge, but as long as we have our lollipops in hand, we need not fear a healthy diet ever again. Are you even aware of the existence of Malcolm Reynolds? Reason dictates that we move from my prior supposition to something more fundamental to support it. The expedition was considered a fools errand, but Shackleton knew that if he pressed onwards he could succeed. Sometimes I wonder if this is how Barney felt when pursuing the culprit who took the cookie from the cookie jar. After all, St. Paul is probably the worst city to try and find your friends in, but at least it's not suicide like Minneapolis. Commander Data dies in the end, but the movie ends with a similar Noonien Soong android named B4 which suggests endless possibilities. I'm still sad that Old Yeller had to die in the end, he could have made an excellent Borg drone. Perhaps if Pope John Paul II had personally absolved him of his sins he would have repented and turned back to his Catholic roots, but then again a terrorist is beyond all reasoning.

The next time is only 300 years from 1710,
In Truth

The Penis Monster

2010-08-11T02:59:00.003-05:00

This is for all those women who think that they are entitled to pass judgment on men. So you think that because you bleed for three days and live you now have some kind of authoritative right to dismiss men as the lesser half of the evolutionary elite? I think not, because while women have a unique set of difficulties to overcome which men cannot truly relate to, we have our own demons to face. Some may try to embrace it as a part of themselves that they cannot change, others may not wish to change, and others still just don't have a clue as to the damage they cause.

The fact of the matter is, ladies, that men have a whole 'nother monster on the inside. I've heard a rather vulgar description of this as being that who misbehave are, "thinking with their penis." The truth is far from it, but to say that they are thinking with membranous length of tissue that stiffens when filled with blood is just oversimplifying the issue. The male sex drive can bring out a whole different side of men, as if they were a completely different person; someone more base and animalistic. Here's the clincher: that animal-like man comes out every time they are aroused and that could be as many as 60 times in a single day. It's not just something we can choose to turn on and off at will like a light switch, but believe me I wish it were that way at times.

This is no excuse for misconduct on the part of men. I am not writing this to justify or vindicate the savage behavior that some men indulge themselves in, but to truly understand you have to think in terms of it being like two men inside one body. One is Dr. Jekyll while the other is Mr. Hyde. Every man has a choice as to which one they want to be, but they can't completely squash out the other because without Mr. Hyde, Dr. Jekyll would be dead. Mr. Hyde is the side of us that is passionate, decisive, impulsive, defensive, protective, and needs to procreate. Without those however, we'd be a weak and apathetic little pieces of helpless trash that wouldn't be worth anyone's time.

Every honest and decent man still has Mr. Hyde lurking in the shadows, and portions of that personality come out at the appropriate times to offer characteristics which the Dr. Jekyll side needs to be a strong leader. It's degrading and dehumanizing to hear women talk as if the Mr. Hyde part of us is simply the result our rigid members, because that is only a symptom of a larger problem. A man who treats a woman in an objectifying way is making a choice to be more like Mr. Hyde than is necessary for him to be a strong man. Instead of doing things because they are right, he does things because it is gratifying, the kind of mindset of the Mr. Hyde that resides within every man.

So ladies, please consider my words the next time you feel like making an off-hand comment about your male counterparts.

Until next time,
De Facto

Integrity and the Conflicts Thereof

2010-08-09T01:35:00.000-05:00

Having been a liar with great skill, I began to see how much it was affecting my family and the life I was living. It wasn't until I got caught in a big lie that I realized just how much damage I could do with a simple fabrication of the truth. After that I began to practice telling the truth even when it meant incriminating myself in the process. Over time I began to tell the truth as if I knew nothing else and even when I tried to lie I found myself struggling not to correct myself and speak the truth.

Eventually, I ran into conflicts where I began to speak the truth, but only the portions I wanted the other person to know. I began to ask myself whether this is also lying or if I'm simply being selective in my presentation of the facts. The distinction is whether or not by withholding particular portions of the truth does it lead the other person to believe something that it is not true? If the answer is yes, then it would appear that lying and omitting the whole truth are synonymous; lying by omission. What about simply not speaking? Certainly there cannot be any damage done by not answering at all. In fact, there is, as by not answering you're causing both confusion and if you have nothing to do with the issue in question, but prefer not answer then you're going to leave the other person with no other choice to assume that you are guilty/responsible for whatever they inquire of you.

The problem is that this world cannot handle the truth. (Cue Jack Nicholson clip from A Few Good Men.) There are circumstances in which presenting the whole truth can be more damaging than maintaining integrity. It's especially difficult when being honest could result in the harm of another person, which is something that most people cannot bear to live with. So how can we reconcile the difference between being a person of integrity versus being selectively truthful for our own benefit? For me, it would appear that outright lying may not be acceptable under any circumstances, but withholding the whole truth may be advantageous for the purpose of protecting another person is the most minor hit to your integrity.

I believe that there is no gray areas in life, only a very fine line between black and white. I also believe that God looks at our hearts and does not judge us based on our standards of honesty because He sees so much deeper than we do. Therefore, even though we may be at ease with passing the half-truth off as the real deal, God may see it as sinful all the same. We cannot allow ourselves to forget that it is not only our conscience we must satisfy, but the God who brings us to conviction also looks on us with a desire for us to be pure and spotless since we no longer have an excuse to be like the world.

Until next time,
De Facto

The Ebb and Flow of Hope

2010-08-06T22:06:00.000-05:00

Often times I have wondered why it is that I can be happy one day and the next I can snap in an instant. For a long time I was concerned that I might suffer from some kind psychosis or bipolar disorder. Then I made a connection that had not occurred to me until very recently. I get depressed (which often times manifests with anger) whenever something takes me further away from the dreams and aspirations God gave me when I was five.

This week has been one of the more trying times of my life. I've suffered some losses in my life, but most of those did not take me further away from the calling God placed on my little five year-old self. The irony of it all was that it started off on Sunday as having the potential to be one of the best weeks of my life thus far, but as the bricks which laid the foundation for such a great week were pulled out this magnificent week suddenly became hell week. I went from being able to glimpse a hopeful future to having nothing but uncertainty and disappointment in view. On top of that I've got temptations and vices trying to steal that future away from me with the allures of instant gratification. I have not always been good with the concept of delayed gratification, but now a days I take it almost to an extreme. I'm the kind of person that lets a person standing in line at the Redbox kiosk go ahead of me because her son is cold thanks to the air conditioning being turned up too high with fans blowing directly overhead. I think I'm digressing now...

The problem I have is that I have two groups of friends in my life who mean the world to me, while another group of friends seems to have grown distant and apathetic towards me. The first group of friends I'd categorize as my friends who inspire me to have hope, unfortunately they all live in the big city about 40 minutes away or more. The second group of friends are mostly older than me, and they're the ones who I categorize as the ones who care. They don't get this categorization because my first group of friends don't care, but because they show they care by doing the very things I don't want them to do (i.e. chasing me across the parking lot trying to steal a cigarette from me so that I can't smoke it, pointing out a crippling flaw about myself, and making me listen to the worst music ever made.) The third group of friends are the ones who have grown up with me to some extent or another. While they genuinely want to be my friend, they have their own aspirations and goals that often conflict with the friendship. They seem to have come to accept my weaknesses and shortcomings as if they were something that cannot change. In essence, I'd categorize this third group of friends as the stagnant ones.

Now that I have sufficiently ruffled the feathers of some, uplifted others, and probably condemned myself to a lecture on how much this person or that person cares about me I shall conclude this overdrawn and inevitably confusing entry. My final thought comes as a question: what is virginity? In the strictest scientific sense, it is state when a male or female has not yet had sexual relations involving penetration of the vagina with the penis. Others include oral sex and mutual manual stimulation (fingering/handjobs), that if a person has done these then they have lost their virginity. A friend of mine suggested to me that according to Matthew 5:28 anyone who has lusted for another person has given up their virginity. If this were true, I have given up the best part of me to someone who despises my very existence; what then is left to give of myself to my future wife?

Sum Quidne?

2010-07-27T04:41:00.000-05:00

It has been the observation of many that I am serious person with jaded sense of humor. What astonishes me is that few have taken the time to try and figure out why I am that way. I can't remember ever giving an actual answer to that, but now I'm going to give one. The serious facade I put on is a defense mechanism against my flesh-nature. As one of the harshest critics of my own gender, I can attest to the wretched and sinful nature that men carry within themselves. Many embrace this in various ways, and it manifests itself in even darker ways.

I am not immune, in fact I used to be what some might call a player. I was a master at manipulating the minds and emotions of women for my own gain. When I set my mind to it, there was nothing I could not get a girl to do, even the "good girls" fell for my tricks because their flesh was just as weak as mine. I could vainly go into details, but frankly I do not believe it is necessary nor do I believe it would be beneficial in the least. I do not keep secrets, and while I do not confide in just one person with all of them, I have nothing about myself hidden; my sexual exploits and misgivings are no exception. One thing I would like to say is this, that it is by the grace of God that while many opportunities presented themselves I did not actually have sex.

Everyday is a battle of choices, and everyday is either a victory in Christ or a slap to His face. I hide behind the mask of a serious man because it brings me back to a time where I was untainted by sexual temptation, a time when I had no real sense of humor. Over the past few years I have developed a sense of humor, albeit a distorted and often sarcastic sense of humor. Most people have regarded my humor as being dark, grotesque, and disturbing. Occasionally I manage to make jokes that are nothing like my normal forte of morbid or condescending cracks at life.

From my past, I have developed a bullshit detector. I realize that going to be challenging for you some of you to read, but I need you to understand that while there are substitutes for a swear word, nothing comes close to describing exactly what it is I see in others. My bullshit detector is particularly attuned to men who try to play women for their bodies, and extends to other types of liars and lying. Though it is not foolproof, you'd be surprised how many lies I catch but don't call people out on because of the situation or because I'm simply too tired to get into a row with them about it. It angers me to no end when people lie to me. When someone lies to me it says to me that they think I'm too stupid to realize that they're lying. Not only can I detect bullshit, but I can dish it out as well. I may not come across as a good liar, especially since I have come to despise dishonesty with a fiery passion, but with enough motivation I can lie my way into almost any situation (my parents can attest to this.)

The truth of the matter is that no matter how gratifying it was to beguile a woman into giving herself over to me, I have found a better and more satisfying gratification in a pure and holy love affair with Jesus Christ. Just as the Bible compares us to a bride, so too do I compare my love affair to a bride and her groom, because when the presence of God comes in like a flood my toes curl up and my heart skips a beat like I was going to prom with the most sought-after man in the school. The fact that He is jealous for me, as Colbie Caillat put it, "gives me tinglies in a silly place." Why the God of the universe and everything unimaginable would care for someone like me is unfathomable, but so too is that like an insecure woman who doubts her worthiness of the man who seeks after her. Those not well-acquainted with the imagery of the Church being likened to a bride and Christ the groom will no doubt find this paragraph quite odd, if not partially disturbing and unwholesome, but if you knew Jesus the way I did it would not seem so wholly strange. I pray that you can experience His love as I do.

Until next time,
De Facto

God Hates Fags (If Fag was Codeword for Bigot)

2010-07-17T06:16:00.000-05:00

I've been watching a documentary on the Westboro Baptist Church, the infamous family-turned-congregation when a lawyer was disbarred for his unethical practices he then became hellbent on preaching about God's wrath. Since then he has gone from preaching a message of hate towards non-heterosexuals to preaching a message of hate to America as whole for enabling the homosexuals to live in sin. To this I say, "Duh, thousands died so the homosexuals could have a safe place to live." Of course, when I say safe, I only mean that they cannot be legally lynched, harassed, or murdered. They can still be told their sinners and that they're going to hell, as those kinds of comments are protected under the Constitution.

I find myself at a crossroads which diverge to two very different paths with distinct consequences on either side. I could align myself with such extreme views such as those of Fred Phelps and his church, or I could align myself with the polar opposite side of the spectrum where one sect of the Presbyterian Church is fully endorsing homosexuality and wanting to change the definition of marriage to something akin to being between, "two people."

Or I could stick my middle finger out to both sides like the little rebel I am and say, "Forget that, I make my own way!" The problem with Fred Phelps and the anti-faggotry message that he preaches is that it denies the fact that God accepts people where they're at with the desire that they would perfect themselves in Christ. The Bible does make it clear that homosexuality is an abomination in God's eyes, now does that mean you'll find me standing on a street corner carrying a sign that says, "God hates fags" I'll be damned if I do! I am not Jesus, I cannot save anyone from their own destructive lifestyles. I can only show them the love of Jesus Christ and pray that the Holy Spirit would bring about conviction unto repentance in their life. Therefore, while I do not endorse homosexuality, I am not going to turn my spiritual beliefs into causation for a witch-hunt that will only push those I'm trying to reach with the message of Jesus Christ.

In the eyes of Fred Phelps and his church, I am probably be going to hell, and to that I say this, "Great, I'll see you there, faggots!"

Until next time,
De Facto

Amori Est Aeterna I: An Assignment from Hell

2010-07-11T03:43:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have been reading my blog regularly, you probably remember one of my first entries, When I Was Five, but if not I'll summarize it quickly. Most five-year old children dream of being firefighters, doctors, policemen, and Bob the Builder. Unlike them, I had the lofty dream of being a husband. It is my firm belief that God planted that desire within me and has been grooming me to fulfill that dream for whatever God-glorifying purpose it may serve.

Now, it had never occurred to me in such terms that Satan would be on assignment to destroy my dream. It has been said that you don't need to kill a man, but rather if you kill his dream he is only a walking corpse. It may seem somewhat unbelievable that a charismatic prayer warrior like myself would not realize this, but sometimes head knowledge doesn't fully make it's way to the heart and therefore gets shoved away into the intellectual caverns of a prepossessed mind. Spiritual warfare is not an unfamiliar term, and while some like to chalk everything that goes wrong in their lives up to spiritual warfare, it may surprise some of you to know that that isn't far from the truth. In John 10:10 Satan is compared to a thief out to steal, kill, and destroy. It is not even a stone's throw away from absolute truth to assume that Satan may never physically destroy his targets, but if he can destroy the dreams, hopes, and aspirations then he doesn't need to kill the body; souls are really what's important to him anyway.

Over the past months I have been wavering between two extremes: love cannot exist and love abounds throughout the very fabric of all that exists. I know within my essence, that is my soul and spirit, that love the single greatest gift mankind can exchange. So why would go from that belief to, "love cannot exist?" To say that the devil made me do it is really dishonest and not taking responsibility for the choices I have made. Jesus told His disciples that they would be fishers of men, but did it ever occur to anyone that Satan is also a fisher of men? In my case, Satan dangled the bait out in front of my face and I bit. Satan can't make you do anything unless you first give him the authority, and when I started to believe his lies I began a downward spiral in my thinking that led to a whole host of absurd and bitter rantings. Make no mistake, it was my choices that led me to this thinking, Satan merely provided the material with which I then disseminated into dark thoughts and ill-spoken words.

I'll end this with the theme of my next rant on love, in the words of my Bible study leader and pastor,

You can't have love this way (points from himself to the crowd)

If you don't have love coming and going this way (points to the sky and then back to himself).

Until next time, which could be as early as a few hours,
De Facto

The Pain of Withdrawal

2010-06-21T01:12:00.000-05:00

In case you have not yet been privy to this information, for about a month now I have relapsed in my smoking. I'm not proud of it, but I am trying to be honest. I'm writing this entry because I feel that some people callously push me to quit or talk down to me as if I don't know what it is I'm doing to myself with each puff. Some mean well when they encourage me to stop smoking, others it's not so apparent as to their intentions. What none of them realize is what it takes to quit. Most of the people who have smoked before and quit have not been the ones getting on my case about it. They don't usually say much about my smoking at all, perhaps because they know what it is I'm going through and they know like I do what it takes to quit.

Most of you probably don't want to know what I'm about to share with you. You'd all like to think that quitting is as simple as deciding to quit and then all you have to do is throw away your cigarettes. You probably wish that I would not burst that illusion, that I would not tear that shred of ignorance from your ideal "reality" which you find so comforting. I'm afraid that the only way I can spare you from enlightenment is to tell you to not read this entry. If you don't read this entry though, I consider you a coward. The world is not made of daisies and daffodils, but of blood, sweat, and tears. The world is what we make it by our own perseverance, and by quitting smoking I can make it a better place by increasing my chances of having a bigger positive impact on it.

To give you an idea of what quitting takes, I'm going to relay to you a story of what happened to me last night when I went into withdrawal. It was about midnight and I was steadily getting more irritable. I was casually thinking up ways to come up with some money so that I could buy a pack. As the night drew on, I was becoming more desperate, to the point where I couldn't sit still. I was digging in coat pockets, rummaging through random drawers, searching through the crevices in my furniture. I became so tense that my teeth were practically mashed together as one. Eventually there was this terrible aching throughout my body, like my blood was boiling beneath my skin and my joints were exploding with pressure. My hands were shaking and I could not stop tapping my feet. I chewed on gum to keep from grinding my teeth but I knew I had to find some money or I was not going to be able to sleep that night. It got to the point where I was contemplating stealing money from someplace, but all the while my mind knew that I would not forgive myself if I compromised my integrity for something as low as cigarettes. After a little while I didn't care anymore what it took to get that money, so I ran to my room and ripped it apart. I searched everywhere for even just a dime. Eventually I found two dollars in an old envelope where I kept money that I was saving for random things. After counting up all my silver, I drove to the gas station and bought a pack of my regular Marlboro 27's.

After smoking two cigarettes, I was limp as a wet noodle, and I thought to myself, "This is the most fucking stupid thing I've ever gotten myself into."

So instead of reminding me of how I need to quit, just imagine the pain of your blood boiling beneath your skin and encourage me to keep going with my plans to quit cold turkey. If you know me personally, call me up and ask me how I'm doing.

Until next time,
De Facto

Who Governs the Government?

2010-06-14T15:05:00.000-05:00

Thomas Jefferson is often quoted as having said, "People should not fear their governments, rather governments should fear the people." He may or may not have said that, but I do have a quote that equivocally drives home the same message, "When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty."

As a conservative anarchist, meaning I believe that in order to restore the Republic back to what our Founding Fathers created there needs to be a complete overhaul in the government system, I believe that this quote reaches to the very core of what is wrong with our perverted form of a representative democracy. Instead of the Government being a faceless entity that serves the people, we have faceless people serving a one-man government. I'm not referring to President Obama, I'm actually referring to the fact all it takes is one wo/man to rise up with an agenda and they can push policy until it happens. They do what they want and it's always about control. This is not exclusive to progressives or the Democratic Party, as the Republican Party is rife with phonies from fascists to spineless worms who would sell their soul to win an election.

You know what's the worst part about all this? My ranting will do nothing, because I am one man. This country is by the people, for the people; meaning that we can change this country to whatever we want. Right now we have elected people who are pushing this country towards communism, and no, I won't be able to explain how they are doing it in this little blog. My attention span is wearing thin right now and I just don't feel like staring at the computer screen anymore. Be warned, the worst thing anyone can do is be apathetic about politics. I'd rather have someone vehemently oppose me politically than someone who doesn't have a stance at all.

Until next time,
De Facto

Allegories, Metaphors, and Hidden Messages- Oh my!

2010-06-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

Only about 15 hours ago I finished transcribing one of the earliest short stories, that is of course excluding all the nonsense I wrote when I was a little kid, and the first comment I recieved was quite positive with one minor note. My reviewer noted that they got the impression that there may be a metaphorical property to my story. Well, Reviewer, I must congratulate you for picking up on the whole purpose of why I wrote that story without having any background on the story- no sarcasm intended. It was completely one big metaphor, more accurately termed an allegory that I had been stewing over for a couple weeks before I finally put pen to paper and wrote it down. By the way, if you have no idea what I'm talking about you can read the story here: The Young Lady and Her Manor of Pain. What I'm about to say may or may not make any sense unless you've read the story.

Let's wind the clocks back a couple years to my junior year of high school. And before someone says it in a comment, yes, that winding the clocks back line does remind me of the Joker from Dark Knight. Anyway, my then-girlfriend, Sparrow, had inspired me to write this story I had been throwing around in my mind for some time. The concept was simple; explain God's love for His children in a way that doesn't come across as preachy or condemning, as that would defeat the whole purpose. I'll admit that the character of the young lady was inspired by my ex-girlfriend, although many of the psychological, spiritual, physical, and emotional problems the young lady had are real-life analogies to problems many women face. Not only do women struggle with these problems, but often times we act out in the same way the young lady did towards the young man in the way we treat God.

Sometimes we'd rather stay in the comfort of our own turmoil because it's all we've ever known rather than give it up to God. We'd rather suffer with the things that tie us down emotionally, physically, intellectually, or spiritually rather than surrender it over to God. Sometimes we can be stubborn even listening to God. The young man, who was loosely analogous for Christ, tried to deliver a gift from the King. Sometimes we're like the young lady, we just refuse it because we can't or refuse to understand why someone so powerful would want give us a gift. The truth that I tried to convey in the dialogue between the young man and the young lady during the interraction when she refuses his gift is that God's grace and forgiveness is not something that can be earned, it is a gift that He offers out of His love and desire to see all those want to spend eternity with Him have a chance to have that.

On top of that, I find myself slightly obssessed with Father-Daughter relationships, and not in the creepy way that Adult FanFiction is. I think it has something to do with the fact that I think Father-Daughter relationships accurately portray how God the Father loves His children. Anyways, that's all I have to say about that.

I am normally really hesitant to share the meanings of short stories because I feel that it ruins it for those who didn't interpret it the same way as I intended it. On top of that, I don't want those who do not follow Christ to read the explanation and feel like they've bee tricked into reading a Bible story. If I was going to make you read a Bible story, I'd copy a Bible story, but instead of just shoving stuff down your throat, I'd rather explain why it is I have chosen God by portraying Him in a way that isn't judgmental or preachy.

Until nex time,
De Facto

God is Love, We Can Not (Be)

2010-06-02T11:36:00.000-05:00

The statement, "God is Love" is taken at face value for a lot of Christians, but how many think about it more in depth? If God is Love, then Love is perfect. We are human beings and human beings are imperfect. If no human beings are perfect, and Love is perfect, then no human beings can Love. The problem becomes more clear now, doesn't it? How can we mere human beings ever truly Love anything if Love is perfect? We can imitate Love by exhibiting the attributes thereof; patience, kindness, contentment (opposite of envy), humility, politeness, selflessness, slow to anger, forgiving, rejoicing in truth, protecting, trusting, hopeful, and persevering, but we can never do all these things perfectly in the way that Love can.

One theory I would submit as plausible is that with Love inside of us, we become more like Him, and therefore we are more and more able to Love. The flesh is the antithesis of Love, with it we can only attempt a perverse imitation of Love which has no real merits because the flesh is always serving itself. The more we come into union with Christ the more we can reflect the change within with an outwards more perfected imitation of Love. Afterall, the Bible says to, "Be imitators of God" in Ephesians 5:1. We may never be able to do it perfectly, but God says to us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness." Paul goes so far as to say that he then boasts in his weakness so that Christ's power may rest on him.

This is probably one of the shortest entries I've made that actually had deep thoughts involved, but that's alright. Sometimes clarity and brevity are the best. As a side note, I think you all might enjoy my updated Me In Five Songs playlist. You can find a link to a pop-out player on the right. Yeah, it's that ugly black button that says "Pop-Out Player"

Until next time,
De Facto

Exhibit Sexuality, Privately (Mature Subject)

2010-05-23T04:16:00.000-05:00

Let me start off by warning anyone reading this that I am going to be having a very matter-of-fact discussion on sexuality which includes terminology, common phrases, and misconceived notions about the subject which may be offensive. If you are slightly uncomfortable, I encourage you to read this anyway because this blog entry is geared towards you. If you are extremely uncomfortable with this subject then I suggest you skip reading this one and wait for my next one. I promise I will be gentle on you all as a reward for your patience with me in reading on a subject of such sensitive nature.

Since the time of the early Church, sexuality has been looked down upon as something that should be a very private matter that is not to be discussed or displayed in any way, shape, or form. This evolved into the concept that all sexuality is evil and sinful, therefore the only purpose for sex is to reproduce with any sexual activity beyond that being sinful. I am writing this blog entry for the sole purpose of dispelling this commonly held belief because it is a viral notion that has infected our Western culture and spurred a counter-culture of sexual depravity just as pervasive. Like valuable minerals, our misconceptions about sexuality will not go away easily because they're so deeply embedded in the way we think and act. It is my hope that those of you who are living with your parents will print this out and show it your folks and ask them what they think about it. I encourage you to discuss it with close friends, mentors, pastors, and anyone else you trust to have an open and honest discussion with regarding this subject.

The early Church, going back as far as the Church of Acts, had a reason to look down on sexuality. The culture in which the Gentile-converts had come out of was one of extremely sexual deviance. Greek and Roman culture was rife with celebrations that involved orgies, sodomy, sex with prostitutes of the gods, and other more perverse scenarios. What happened as centuries passed was the Catholic Church and following Protestant churches kept the mentality of sex-for-reproduction-only without considering the reason the early Church had looked down on sexuality in that way. Movements within the Church began to surface of those who felt sexuality was not meant just for posterity purposes. These movements were suppressed by excommunication and execution, but the power and excitement of the taboo kept such movements alive. Unfortunately, these movements were grouped together with the underground homosexual community because of ignorance and because homosexuality was easier to identify as being evil.

My friends, I feel it is not only my right to inform you of what I believe, but also my duty as a Christ-follower/imitator. God made us as sexual beings, as evidence we can compare ourselves with animals and see that we are indeed sexual beings. Did you know that other than humans, there is only a few creatures that have sex for a purpose other than reproduction? Unlike most animals, which have a certain period of time which they are "in heat" and are able to reproduce, humans are physically able to have sex from the time of their puberty until their bodies are too weak to support themselves. Searching through Apostle Paul's letters you will find that there are three basic rules to follow when wanting to have sex:

1. The person of the opposite gender you have sex with must be married to you before engaging in sexual activity.

2. Any sexual activity outside of your opposite-gendered monogamous relationship is sinful. Be loyal to your opposite-gendered spouse.

3. Withholding sex/sexual activity from your spouse, except when you are not healthy enough for sexual activity, is sinful and disrespectful.

I realize that some may feel that this is oversimplifying Biblical law concerning sexuality, but the fact of the matter is that since Jesus gave us a whole new set of laws- the Laws of Freedom in Jesus Christ, we don't benefit anyone from confining ourselves to the narrow-minded philosophy that has been handed down to us through centuries of sexual repression. There is no reason to be ashamed of our sexuality when we honor God in doing so. Sex is a near-facsimile of euphoric love which God has for us. We should not feel dirty for mimicking the love God has for us when it is done inside of a loyal heterosexual monogamous marriage. Everything about marriage is a direct correlation to Christ and the Church (in this context, I mean the Body of Christ, not just the Catholic Church.)

Friends, this is good news! No more talking about sex like it was something to be ashamed of. No more feeling sinful because you have this desire deep within yourself to have sex. No more delusions about your wedding night and the honeymoon. Lastly, there should be no shame in the naked body. The body is a masterpiece, a work of art unlike anything else found in nature, and the celebration of such a marvel would be appropriate if done appropriately.

That sounded a bit redundant and circular, didn't it? What I mean is that we do not need to shy away from the nakedness of ourselves, although we certainly should not suddenly feel at liberty to exhibit ourselves like a freak show. If our bodies are created by the very hand of God, then that makes us vessels of beauty by the most skillful Creator. There are practical purposes for clothing yourself so please don't misunderstand me and think that I'm advocating nudism/naturism. While our bodies may be beautiful, some abuse them, others has been marred by outside influences, and all of them are vulnerable to the cruelties of weather. On top of that, in most countries it is illegal to display your breasts, pubic area, or buttocks due to decency laws; therefore it is your moral and spiritual duty to uphold that law regardless of your freedom in Christ. Besides, exposing yourself to people is not the way it is meant to be, it is simply that we are not to be ashamed of our own bodies as if there was something wrong with them without clothes. If we cannot move past the archaic ideologies of yesteryear we could very well allow yet another generation to believe the sexually repressive propaganda that has been peddled as Scriptural fundamentals for centuries.

Until next time,
Veritas De Facto

Me in Five Songs

2010-05-08T16:15:00.000-05:00

Some people have tried asking me how I'm doing and I haven't been able to really get into it because either they're too young to be dragged into my issues or because I didn't feel like they really wanted to know my woes. Thus, I, in all my malevolent brilliance came up with the idea to create a playlist of songs on YouTube that accurate describe how I've been doing these past several weeks.I apologize that it's cut off on the right corner, but the video itself is not important; the words in the music is.

No thanks, I quit

2010-04-04T04:57:00.000-05:00

I'll probably be saying that to my new found acquaintances at school who I met by chance while out having a smoke. Thursday night I was completely delivered and set free from the addiction to smoking by exposing and renouncing the lies that Satan had gotten me to believe about myself. It's now been two days without a cigarette. No withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. Anytime I start thinking about smoking (which isn't a whole lot since I don't Nic-fit) I just start singing, "Jesus Loves Me" as joyfully as I possibly can out loud. I was roaming through Target with cheese slices in my hand as I was singing, and it wasn't even because I was thinking about smoking, I just wanted to.

Anyway, this really isn't an entry, more of a blurb... Blurb, that's a weird and non-existent word that has become a word de facto style. Just wanted everyone to know what God has done for me.

Until next time,
De Facto

Oh Snap!

2010-03-21T00:50:00.000-05:00

After several weeks of struggling with smoking, issues with friends, issues with family, and my own disquiet in the mind I have broken free of a heavy burden. Lately, I've been feeling a lot of guilt and shame over the fact that I did not get into the military and did not get to follow through with the plans I had made for my life. I had reoccurring anger about how things had ended with my ex-girlfriend who bore the Internet nickname of Sparrow. I saw myself as a failure for not doing everything I could to follow through with those plans I had made. I thought that where I was now was the direct result of quitting on myself. Tonight, I discovered that that was far from the truth.

After having a very honest and God-seeking conversation with a friend of mine, a veil was lifted off my eyes and I could see that I wasn't a failure; I was right where God wanted me to be. I realized that the only one who was placing the guilt and shame on me was me, that God did not condemn me for not getting into the military or following through with my plans to marry Sparrow. The truth was that I was not supposed to get into the military and my reasons for breaking up with Sparrow were very legitimate. I finally feel as though I've let her go. She is not my future wife and I cannot be dwelling on the might-have-been scenarios that keep running through my mind. I hurt Sparrow the way I broke up with her, but God reminded me that I did everything I could to make amends for the hurt I caused her.

The best part of this is that God has showed me a plan for the next two years of my life. I'm not going to go into details until I received confirmation about the plan, but I can tell you that it is very exciting. Seeing this plan has also rejuvenated my sense of purpose, restored my faith in the facts promised in Jeremiah 29:11. There's so much I could say about what happened tonight, but a lot of it is actually kept in confidence until there is agreement between all parties involved that I can freely speak on the subjects. Frankly, I just thank God that He came through for me when I was ready to throw in the towel. I didn't think I could hold on much longer to the little shreds of hope I had, but just when the light seemed to fade God; radiantly shining brighter than day, showed up and showed off His awesome power to renew and restore.

Praise Him, Saints. He is mighty to save.

Until next time,
De Facto

P.S. - The events vaguely mentioned in this entry directly inspired my latest piece of poetry. If you haven't read it yet, check it out: Te Amo Semper V: Semper Fidelis Est

Now This Is Really Jacked Up

2010-03-18T14:19:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was pretty much the worst day of the week for me. Despite it being the day where every every Irishman like myself pays tribute to St. Patrick for bringing the Gospel of Jesus Christ to us after having been enslaved in Ireland for years as a child. Oh, wait- you thought there were snakes in Ireland? Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but there has never been any scientific evidence that would suggest there were snakes in Ireland. Myth busted. Anyways, so yesterday was a bad day, and you all might be wondering why...

Well, after some prayer and contemplation I came to terms with the fact that I do not will power to quit on my own. I decided then that I was going to give my dad my cigarettes. He puts one cigarette out on the table for me before he leaves for work, and then when he gets home he sets out another one for me. Knowing his son, and knowing how addiction works; the guy got smart and takes my cigarettes with him everywhere he goes so that I can't find them and take them back. How does this help me quit smoking? Firstly, it means I only smoke two cigarettes a day. That's pretty difficult because on a bad day, I'd probably smoke six to eight cigarettes, and about four cigarettes on a good day. Secondly, it takes control of my smoking out of my hands. I can't just grab a cigarette whenever I want. Believe me, sometimes I'd smoke a cigarette because I don't have much else to do. Those two things are intricately woven together and are what is helping me quit.

But what does all this have to do with yesterday? I'll tell you, as soon as I go and have a smoke. No, not really. Ok, not funny, I get it. Anyways, yesterday I woke up pretty late, about 10:00 and I went upstairs. I looked on the table and saw that my cigarette was all crinkled and deformed with something all over it. Upon closer inspection I saw that someone had drawn a skull and crossbones on my cigarette. The message was clear enough, but I was now down a cigarette since I wasn't going to smoke something that had been graffiti'd with marker. Who knows just how many more chemicals that would add to the list of deadly toxins that are already in cigarettes? I then struggled through the day, rifling through my dads stuff in hopes of finding my pack I gave him. I got so desperate that I actually walked around for an hour and a half looking for dropped money in common places where people drop things: parking lots, sidewalks, outside stores, and trails. I didn't find any money and my body was tired of walking around, so I was left with a mind full of rage. I did get to smoke another cigarette later on just before I went to bed, to replace the one I didn't get smoke that morning.

Today has been much easier, even though I still only had one cigarette this morning and I'll get one tonight; I feel more accustomed to smoking less. I pushed myself to wait until noon, although I only managed to make until 11:00. I have to laugh at my own foolish thinking though. I was sitting here thinking about quitting smoking, all the implications thereof and I actually got scared. What am I going to do with that extra five or ten minutes that I used to take just to smoke a cigarette? Will the friends I made from standing out in the freezing cold smoking still be my friends after I quit? Will it even be beneficial to have friends who smoke? It's stupid that I had these thoughts and more, because I actually had to remind myself that quitting was a good thing. It's as if I had actually forgotten for a moment that quitting was what was best for me, and I had to remind myself what God had told me about my smoking. I wasn't even having a Nic-fit, which is for those of you unacquainted with the term; the agitation experience a person has when they're craving Nicotine.

Anyways, I'm done here for now. Not a really impressive or thought-provoking entry, I know, but I just felt like putting it down.

Until next time,
De Facto

Standing Tall or Living Small?

2010-03-12T00:45:00.000-06:00

It's important for every follower of Christ to understand that there is spiritual war for the soul of every man occurring on a day to day basis. (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Peter 5:8, James 4:7) I thought that since everybody has their take on it, but not everyone gets to the most important point that it was essential for me to clearly lay it out for everyone. Too often we think because we are taught that we have to struggle, wrestle with, and battle demonic forces that come against us. This is so far from the truth, it should be heresy to preach such a false message. The fact of the matter is that we already have victory in the name of Jesus. (1 John 5:3, 1 Corinthians 15:57)

Tonight at Bible study I heard the truth presented to me in a no-nonsense way that I feel must be shared with you all. Throughout this entry, I'll be referencing Luke 8. It's important to know also that Luke 8 has significance in connection to Isaiah 6. You may want to read up on Isaiah 6, get a firm understanding of it, and then read through Luke 8 before you meditate on what you're about to read. Yes, I sincerely hope that after reading this you will go back through it and meditate on what is written here. It is also my hope that you will see these Scripture references and that you will verify their contextual validity for yourself. Don't just read this and think, "Oh, he put cited verses, therefore it must be legit."

In Luke 8:22, Jesus is asleep on the boat (presumably in the bottom of the boat) and a storm is raging outside. His disciples fear that the boat will be swamped if the storm continues, thus they wake Jesus. He commands the winds to cease, and suddenly everything is calm. Pretty familiar right? They come to shore and Jesus gets off to see a demon possessed man. The Bible says that this demon possessed man would strip naked and run away to hang out in the tombs. Apparently, the people of the town nearby tried to chain him up so that he wouldn't run away, but he just broke the chains and ran off again. Jesus asked the demon for its name, which it told Jesus was Legion. The demons in the man begged Jesus to be cast not into the Abyss, but rather into the herd of swine. When He did cast them into the swine, the swine ran off the edge of small cliff into the water and drown. When the people of the town heard about it they found the demon possessed man was dressed and sitting at the feet of Jesus calm without any indication of possession. It gets better because Jesus left that town by boat and returned to the city. Jairus, a leader of the local synagogue came and asked Jesus to heal his daughter. On the way there, a woman touched Jesus believing if she could just brush the hem of his garments she would be healed. Jesus noticed and inquired about it, eventually finding the woman who had touched her. He bid her farewell telling her that her faith had made her well. Just as this happened a servant from Jairus' house came and said that the daughter was dead. Jesus didn't seem to care and went into his house anyway. He commanded the daughter to rise and she lived.

That's four miracles presumably within a very short span of time. Now back yourselves up to the first part of Luke 8. Jesus tells them the parable of the sower and how three different soils ended up. He then explains the parable to His disciples in private because it was not meant to be understood by the general public. This is where your careful examination of Isaiah 6 would come in handy, as it would answer the question as to why it was not meant to be understood by the masses. The most important part of this, and the part that cuts through all the clutter regarding spiritual warfare is in verse 15 when Jesus tells us that good soil is analogous for those who hear the word, retain it, and persevere (other versions say "do it") in it. Are you putting it all together? If not, let me point you to a verse in Matthew 28:17.

I heard a story of an man who took some guys on a camping trip. His buddy went to have a look at their campsite and came back from looking around in a dead-man sprint. The man who was leading the trip took a look at the running man and said, "Bear..." in the most nonchalant way possible as he grabbed his camera and a large stick. He held the stick up as high as he could and with his other hand took pictures of the bear. The bear stood as tall as it could but saw that he was not as tall as the man who was holding the stick and turned around and walked away. Although this story may seem truly unbelievable, it's common knowledge among outdoors enthusiasts that bears measure the height of their opposite and will back down to others who are taller than themselves.

Likewise, Jesus has given us a similar stick to hold up against the enemy when he tries to attack us: the cross. Through the death and resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ, we have victory over even death, and by His stripes we are healed. We don't measure up against the powers of darkness that roam this earth, but when we take the cross and hold it high above our heads, we suddenly have an added length that cannot be topped. All we have to do is command demons to flee in Jesus name, and they must obey. We can also bind them, which is like a spiritual mute button on the remote for spiritual warfare, and that way we can handle any situation where there is an attack of the enemy. Knowing that we can choose to stand tall with the cross or live small and susceptible to every attack of the enemy that comes our way.

Until next time,
De Facto

My 60mph Death Machine

2010-03-06T17:58:00.000-06:00

I've been a licensed driver for a little more than a year, but add in the years I've been driving with my permit and I've been driving for approximately four years. In those four years I have never been in accident, my fault or otherwise, except while I was in another person's vehicle and I was not driving. Although I have flashbacks on those accidents, neither of the two resulted in any injuries, that is not what prompted me to write this blog entry. It is solely me coming to realization that we are lunatics to think that we can control our lives while we put ourselves in metal boxes and hurl ourselves forward at speeds of 60 miles per hour (mph) or faster as a means of transportation.

Does anyone know what powered steering is? Electrically assisted artificial wheel/axis manipulation. Without powered steering, a vehicle is virtually impossible to control. Yes, you can still drive, but it's extremely difficult and at that point your ability to control the vehicle is limited to how strong you are versus the vehicle momentum at any given time. If your brakes fail while driving at any speed above 15 mph, you cannot stop without hitting something. That's right folks, you have to hit a car, tree, snow bank, or some other object that will slow down the vehicle enough to make it stop. We know this, in our subconscious, but our need for being able to get from place to place seems to allow us to throw aside our basic survival instincts.

The most psychotic part of this is that we put ourselves on the road with hundreds of other vehicles, entrusting our own safety in the hands of other people who may not have the same common sense that we do. Of course, this is assuming we have common sense. A lot of drivers aren't content to follow the rules of the road, particularly speed limits, and so we drive faster than what the law says we can drive. I myself am extremely impatient in getting to and from places even if I'm not running late and usually drive at least five miles over the speed limit. What scares me to death is the fact that I am not the fastest vehicle on the road. In fact, even going just five miles over, I find myself having to stay in the right lane of traffic to let the faster vehicles pass me by... That means that there are numerous vehicles propelled by explosive materials at 80 mph or faster just so they can get from one place to another a few minutes faster.

This reminds me, does anyone ever take a second to think about the fact that our vehicles are propelled by controlled explosions? Yeah, they're controlled, but they're explosions nonetheless! I know I'm starting to sound like a paranoid dweeb; the kind that locks himself away in the closet, too scared of every little thing to go out and enjoy life. I can guarantee that I'm not paranoid, just examining the our suicidal tendencies. Oh, and get this, when we lose control of our vehicle and hit another car or person, it's called an accident. An accident. What is a more appropriate term if accident is unacceptable, you ask? How about calculated and accepted rate of fatalities due to predicted likelihood that driving a vehicle will result in lethal casualties.

People, wake up! The government calculates and can know with reasonable certainty how many people will die every year due to car related incidents (this is excluding incidents where a driver was intoxicated in some way.) Governments around the world knows these statistics and have decided that the loss of life from these tragic mishaps is an ACCEPTABLE LOSS. That's right, if you get into a car accident and die, the government considers your death tragic, but acceptable and will not do anything to stop more people death. It isn't until there is a dramatic increase of deaths, to the point that the media starts reporting it, that the government will even flinch at the body count.

Just more proof that Government doesn't care about you. You are an insignificant numerical phenomena of no consequence. Your individuality has no meaning. You are meaningless to the Government. Yet, you pay the tab that the Government runs up. You elect the fat cats that run the Government. You pick up guns and kill other people to defend the Government. You even sing songs of your unwavering loyalty to the Government. Oh sure, you can say that your patriotism is towards democracy, to the Republic, but even now there is probably someone reading this who has labeled me a dissenter and an anarchist. I don't care what they label me, but the fact that I'm being labeled such for being critical of my government is proof that loyalty to the nation must exclusively be to the government, or else...

I am a servant to the ideals that my country was founded: freedom. Life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. As it stands, a republic, or a representative democracy governed by a constitution is the most stable way of maintaining those ideals. Unfortunately, we've allowed ourselves to sacrifice our personal freedoms to ensure our security. The truth is, we're no more secure than we were before, in fact because we have surrendered our freedoms we now have internal threats that are just as dangerous as the ones from the outside. The government should fear its people, not the other way around.

The government doesn't give a rats-ass about you, and if you think otherwise, then I'd say you are ignorant to your own insignificance in the eyes of the government. They don't care that every time you put yourself into a car you are literally putting your neck in a noose and playing chicken with the release lever.

Until next time,
De Facto

Now You're Just Testing Me, Not Fair!

2010-03-05T08:23:00.000-06:00

Most people think of God as that one guy up in the clouds, but one of my best friends and I prefer to think of him as a best friend who's always around. You see, God doesn't want you to refer to Him as the "guy up in the sky" if He's right there beside you. And since he's with you all the time, everywhere you go, He's more like a best friend who hangs out with you whenever and wherever. Now that you understand this informal, but nonetheless close relationship, hopefully you'll understand what I'm about to say.

Sometimes your friends like to play match-maker, you know? Sometimes you go along with it because you think it would be easier than dealing their harrassment for rejecting their "help." But what happens when you tell God, the ultimate best friend, that you're not looking right now? What happens when you tell Him that you need friends that are female, not girlfriends? Yeah, He does the typical friend thing and says, "Oh really?" In defiance, I of course said, "Yeah, really..." That's how it always begins... The only problem is that when you play this game with God, who isn't just the ultimate best friend but also master of the universe, you quickly have the cards stacked against you in the friendly competition.

Yesterday, in Acting I there were four of us who were schedule to perform our monologues. I performed mine first, and of course, was well received by everyone. After that, I sat down and was about ready to pretty much tune out. I wasn't tuning out because I meant any disrespect to my classmates, but I had to internalize whatever energy and strength I had left. I was really craving a cigarette and so I had to focus on something else or go mad. And then it happened, my best friend God played the ultimate "Oh Really?" challenge on me. The last person to give their monologue was flawless in their delivery. I wanted to cry because the subject of the monologue was a girl who wanted to kill herself and lot of the things she was saying brought back memories of people I know who have wanted to or tried to kill themself. Then something happened that I wasn't expecting, the character decided that if she hadn't been able to kill herself after three attempts, that God must have a reason for her being on this earth and that she wasn't going to take her own life.

My jaw dropped. I mean, after I heard her listening to Kutless, I wondered where she stood concerning Christ. So I asked her about this conference that she mentioned while receiving criticism, and that's when I discovered just how closely aligned our spiritual beliefs are. Oh snap! So God asked me last night, actually it was late afternoon, "Are you going to be her friend? Or are you going to throw it away and try to date her?" When you tell your best friend who also happens to be God, that you are swearing-off dating until you can straighten out your life, you'd better mean it. He put someone in my path who could use a friend, but He's also told me I'd be making a huge mistake if I randomly decided to try to date her.

I guess this is where God says to me, "Now put your money where your mouth is." So now I understand the power of my words. I threw it out there that I wasn't ready to date, which is unbelievably true, and now God is challenging me to live up to that and make friends with this young lady; not try to pursue her. It's sad how I've practically forgotten how to just be friends with girls, and the ones I was friends with I was able to do so because I saw them as my sisters. So yeah, my best friend God just gave me a serious accountability check and wager at the risk of losing a friend.

Until next time,
De Facto

Cutting Past the Pretenses

2010-03-02T09:55:00.000-06:00

Today I am left without lofty thoughts and philosophical terms. I am spent beyond my natural reserve and have no energy to be wordy and lengthy in my explanation. It has come to my attention that a friend of mine has some legitimate concerns about our friendship. Let me give you the skinny on what has been my situation in past few months.

I have a lot of friends, a few of which I call my best friends, but such is life that my best friends would have things they must pursue other than spending time talking with me about things going on in my life. However, one of my best friends has consistently been there for me even when others were busy with things they had to deal with outside of the context of our friendship. Unfortunately, for a period of two weeks, that one best friend that has always been there for me requested that I remain "radio silent." No phone calls, no text messages, and no e-mails. This couldn't have come at a worse time as I have been going through a difficult transition as I made my exit from the theatre company.

So I turned to another friend who, although she is very busy and is available at only the oddest times, was willing to listen to my deepest frustrations and vexes about this transition. It worked too, as she proved to be a great asset in helping alleviate some tensions that were mounting, but in the process I gave her the distinct impression that I was going to ask her out. This I attribute to my overly emotional state in which I say things as how I feel, not necessarily how I mean them, and often when I'm emotional I say things rather quizzically and vague. I'd also attribute this to the gap in understanding between males and females. Ultimately though, I blame myself and a lack of communication for this frustrating misunderstanding.

I am not ready for a relationship: spiritually, emotionally, and physically (I need to quit smoking first.) Relationships never solve problems in your life, but rather they complicate your life with new ones. This is not always a bad thing, but with this in mind I can confidently say, I have enough problems to worry about. Realistically, I don't even need a relationship at this point in my life. There's nothing I stand to gain from one in this stage in my life. That may sound selfish, as if I'm suggesting that a relationship is only about what I can gain from it, but what I mean is that a relationship would have no benefits and only complications with it. Right now, what I need is God; that's the only relationship I need to focus on at the moment.

My flesh wants a relationship, and why wouldn't it? But it wouldn't be a relationship that honors God, and it wouldn't be with someone who knows the Truth. I am in too much physical and emotional pain to continue this, so I will conclude with the following. It is unfortunate that things happened the way they did, and I am finding myself hard-pressed for a solution as to how to remedy the situation, but I know where I stand on the issue.

Until next time,
De Facto

The Deepest Sorrow

2010-02-24T16:58:00.000-06:00

For some time now I have kept it inside of me, and there was a time where conflicting feelings helped me suppress them all the more. But I am a passionate man, a man with conviction and I follow my feelings through to whatever end lies in wait. There is someone who is close to me that I cannot escape without feeling the longing for. That person has been judged time and again, and although not perfect, that person did not deserve the treatment they received. I sit in my ivory tower of leadership, looking down at the ones who have trusted me to guide them, to uplift them in their times of struggle... But there is one who has my attention even when there is no struggle, and that person has earned my affection. That person can have it if they will take it. All I ask is that this person wait until I can speak plainly to them about how I feel, until I can profess these feelings as boldly as I profess my own faith.

There is an ache within me that refuses to heal, and I have searched deep within myself to find out why it continues to fester. That person has watched, most likely unknowingly, as I wrestled with the answer to make sense of it all. They have watched me become increasingly dissatisfied with the way things are, and to my greatest pleasure, has allowed me to confide in them some of my more ulterior thoughts and feelings. What that person doesn't know is the damage I've suffered at the hands of those I placed my trust in, and gaping wound that reminds me daily of my foolishness. This person has been there for me when I needed someone, and while my "best friends" were too busy with their own lives, or sorting out their own problems, this person was there.

But the deepest sorrow within me is that I have fallen so far away from God. I have spent my entire self for what I thought was what God was calling me to do, and while I may have done some good for His Kingdom; there was no grace covering the vain sacrifices I made. Had I opened my eyes and taken a moment to critically assess the situation, I might have seen the truth in all its ugliness. I became so engrossed in the work I was doing, that it became my god, my idol. I had said all the right words, made all right choices, and gone the extra mile to be the leader that everyone saw me as, but it was all for the wrong reason.

God, forgive me for I have sinned. I have put the work that I do before You. I put my trust in the leaders above me, all the while they cared more for their precious image than they did about me, and now I am left here broken. Lord, forgive me for being an arrogant self-righteous and judgmental zealot. In the eyes of the world, I was doing a noble deed, but now I see that I was serving an abusive liar who has lost sight of what our purpose is. Had I listened to You, Oh El Shaddai, perhaps then I would not be where I am today. Perhaps then I would have not fallen by the wayside and been betrayed by the very people I put too much trust in. I question my every footstep knowing that I once fearlessly walked about in defiance of Your will. I ask that You would forgive me and bring me back to You, bring me back and teach me Your ways through Your Word. I need to see it in Your Word that it what it is, because for too long I have listened to false teachings and snakes preaching contrary to the truth. I need Your help to discern the truth from the lie.

I have been shaken to the core. Coming to the realization that my career as an actor has been for the benefit of a crooked, abusive, controlling man that has lost sight of the purpose of our performances has left me with not much to rely on. As I swiftly make my departure from the theatre company, I ween myself off of half-truths and false revelations and back into the things of God. I am not this way because of what I leave behind, but because of what has been stripped from me. Please, do not take pity, for that is exactly what the lame man needs. I am not a lame man, but rather a man who has gotten lost now returning to the right path. Yes, I got lost, was beaten, robbed of everything I had to offer, and now left high and dry, but since I am on the right path my losses will be nothing in comparison to what I gain on the right path.

Until next time,
De Facto

Choose This Day Whom You Shall Serve

2010-02-22T02:47:00.000-06:00

My e-mail address is very to the point, "Read Joshua 24:15." That verse says, "Choose this day whom you shall serve [...] But as for me and my household, we shall serve the Lord." To me, this is the ultimate show of manliness, when the man of the household stands his ground and proclaims that his family will serve the Lord. I have no household, none that I can call my own, but I have a body which is a "house" of sorts. It is a home to the the Holy Spirit. Due to circumstances which I am not at liberty to discuss freely, I've begun to question a lot of things I once assumed true without a second thought.

Just over a year ago I joined a theatre company, but it was more than that; the theatre company was a ministry. I started out as an amateur actor without confidence or self-assurance and became a leader who seldom looked back at failures of the past. I was convinced that I was growing stronger in my faith, deeper in the things of God, and growing to have a better understanding of the things of God. I look back now and see that I practically dropped off the radar. I almost never go to church because I'm either performing or recovering from a long week of rehearsal, and I don't attend Wednesday night services because I haven't been able to connect very well with regulars except for the youth group who are all beginning to either grow up or transition from Jr. High into the Sr. High, which means they're significantly younger than me. I don't spend much time with my friends because I'm either spending it in rehearsal, recovering, or taking some time to myself to gather my thoughts. I couldn't tell you when the last time I've read my Bible is, which is something I've always struggled with, but this time it goes against my personal goal of reading the Bible in a year.

Now I'm not trying to say that the theatre company is all to blame, but looking at my spiritual growth since then, I think I've actually taken several steps back. To be honest, the theatre company relies more on personal revelation than it does on Biblical principle. Half the time that I do feel God speaking to me about an issue, it gets disregarded and forced to the back-burner until more artistic aspects are considered. I've choked down every excuse that was given to me, but I'm beginning to see the flaws and I cannot say that I'm proud of the things I let slide. I've watched so many things happen that were branded as, "attacks of the enemy" and really all it was was human error. It's so much easier to blame it on the devil, because then we don't have to take personal responsibility for our actions.

Folks, no matter what happens and no matter what kinds of pressure you are under; compromising is what it is. You can't say that you believe in profanity-free speech if you're swearing every time something goes wrong. Not swearing when things are going well is easy, but it's when you're stressed out that tests the integrity of what you believe and stand for. Over this past year, I have found myself becoming more and more of a hypocrite with every turn. I say one thing while doing the opposite. I get up on stage and preach to an audience about something that I say I believe and then cave to do the same thing in private. I now see that I've fallen so far, some people might have a hard time believing I was in ministry for a year; where is the fruit of my labor?

The truth is that I want to serve God. For the past year, I think I've been serving myself and my director more than anything. Sure, I gave God all the credit for my accomplishments and I said all the phrases that an exceptional minister of the Gospel would say, but the actions that followed say otherwise. If I am to serve God, truly serve Him, my life has to change. I have to repent for idle word and action, and start seeking Truth in the one place I can count on for reliability: the Bible. There is no truth higher than the Truth, and anyone who claims to know better than the Bible is a heretic. I need to redevelop my prayer life so that I'm not running to God only when there are problems, but that I go to Him for every occasion; that He is my first source for everything. I cannot piggy-back on others who claim to know more than me, because for too long I have allowed that to take precedence over finding the answers myself through God's Word. Don't get me wrong, I think that seeking the counsel of those who are wiser and more experienced is a good thing, but when they are your first line of defense against confusion is when you have too much reliance on them.

I won't say that this past year has been a total loss. The fact that I am here now running with arms flailing towards the Throne of Grace means that I have seen my error and can learn from it. I learned a lot about the difference between Biblical and personal revelation and which has more authority. I learned a lot about integrity and what it is to have it. I learned that trusting the spiritual authority over you is important, but not to the extent where you have to lie to protect them. I've learned a lot about being an actor and acting in general, which hopefully will show when I take more acting classes. I have learned that I should never ever put anything extracurricular before my studies regardless of what it is. That means that doing ministry should be secondary, not primary; God cannot honor your faithfulness to your other pursuits if your main objective fails because you didn't commit enough effort to succeeding in your first goal. Not going out to do ministry is not the same as neglecting your spiritual health. If you were so engrossed in your studies that you didn't take time to pray and read your Bible; that would be an example of neglecting your spiritual health. Ministry is for those who have a solid grasp of their responsibilities to society and to themselves and can manage the extra workload of reaching out to others.

The Great Commission can be fulfilled without an official ministry! For the longest time I believed a lie that I needed the theatre company to fulfill my obligation in carrying out the Great Commission. Now I see that every good deed and every kind word spoken is a seed planted in someone's life that could be pushing them towards the path of salvation. I may never be there for them to see them come to the saving knowledge of Christ, but if my conduct around and with them reflects Christ, then I have already fulfilled my duty to God in regards to the Great Commission. This isn't to say that I shouldn't speak and preach, because I must do this as well, but I don't need a ministry with all its titles to fulfill the Great Commission. It is a huge burden off my shoulders to know that I can do God's work just living my life as an example of Christ and His Love.

Anger at failure is not passion for success. There have been countless times where my director would get angry about something going wrong and then it would get written off as his passion for success and reaching the lost. Over the course of this past year in the theatre company, I began to believe this lie because I heard it so much and I wanted to believe it was true; the only alternative would have been to see that my director was just angry. When we fail, we may get mad at ourselves for failing, and when we do we only bring ourselves and those around us down. Passion for success starts when a person realizes their failure and makes a conscious effort to turn that failure into a learning experience to succeed in the future. The worst way to get angry at failure is when you get angry at other people's failure, or your own failure and blame other people for it.

There's a lot I still don't know and I'm in the process of digesting what I've learned, comprehending what I'm still learning, and changing the things about myself I see that I don't like. There's been a lot of hurt and betrayal come at me and it will take some time to heal, but I know that Jesus bore all that on His back for me. My mind may not be quite what it used to be from all the lies I've swallowed so that the truth conformed to the picturesque view I had of my director and the theatre company, but I am going to be going to counseling to undo a lot of the psychological and spiritual damage that was done to me. I just thank God I even woke up to the reality of what the situation and became aware of my present state of spiritual low.

Until next time,
De Facto

P.S. - In case you hadn't gathered, I am leaving the theatre company for good. March 1st is my last performance and my last time I plan to be associated with that "ministry".

How Far Is Too Far?

2010-02-17T05:52:00.000-06:00

I get this question a lot by guys in dating relationships or guys who want to be in dating relationships. I wrote a response to this question over at the The Rebelution Forums in the section specifically for men and here was what I had to say:

I am a very black and white man, and I do not believe in compromising for anything or anyone lest you wish to tarnish your core integrity: who you are. Over this past year, I have been serving in ministry as a performer and speaker on several subjects; one of which is purity. It has come to my attention that my previous solution mentioned on the first page of this thread is inadequate in addressing the question.

Firstly, the question should not be, "How far is too far?" The real question you should be asking yourself is, "If I do this, will I be tempted to go further?" Temptation never slaps you in the face, but instead whispers suggestively in your ear. You must do the opposite and never whisper suggestively back, but slap temptation in the face with full armor of God.

I can't tell you where to stop, what action is going too far, except that you know you've crossed the line when you've lost your virginity. If you have any desire to avoid even getting close to that, then please heed my advice.

You as the man must set the boundaries, and once you've come to terms with that you're next step is determining what boundaries those are. This second step requires a lot of honest discussion between you and your significant other; I'd even go so far as to suggest that you may want someone the two of you trust to encourage you to be as brutally honest with each other as you can. If you and your significant other are not completely honest, even at the risk of disagreements and hurt feelings, the boundaries will be set too low and you will fail and maintaining the desired level of purity.

For example, when I choose to enter a relationship, right off the bat I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I am not comfortable being in a dark room alone with her. From there, I will take in to consideration what she is not comfortable with; constantly honing in on what we're comfortable with until we know exactly when to stop before we invite the temptation to sin.

Remember that your goal is not to come up with a list of things you can and cannot do, but to draw a definitive line which you both agree you are not going to cross. If you're definitive line is "not have sex" then you have missed the point of my advice completely and need to go back to the first step. These measures are taken not to just help you both save your virginity, but to also keep you from inviting the temptation. Let me put it allegorically, I'm not just trying to keep you from burning your hand, but to show you how to avoid getting to close to the fire to begin with.

I hope this advice proves insightful to those of you who may not have the answer to the question, "How far is too far?" Hopefully, it will also be insightful to those who do.

Until next time,
De Facto

The Internet is Serious Bidness

2010-02-14T05:41:00.000-06:00

Niggers, spics, gooks, chinks, jews, fuckers, and so on... We've all seen the labels thrown around on the Internet. Whether it's on MySpace, YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, or whatever those corporate thugs have spun out for the masses to flock to only to watch their social graces get slaughtered like lambs. Careful studies have said that people do this because the Internet gives them anonymity. I would like to dig a little deeper than that and get straight to the point.

The idea that people call other people by these terms simply because they can might possibly blow your mind, but the truth is they do. It doesn't matter that they're on the Internet. The Internet is just the canvas, the painter would simply find another medium on which to spread his colorful artistry if there were no Internet. With millions of people accessing it every waking moment of the day, internationally leaving no moment for a second of shut-eye, this is the perfect platform for the average person to speak his mind uninhibited. One need only look into the annals of human history to see that the kind of behavior we're seeing on the Internet is nothing new; on the contrary it's more like an evolution of an age-old problem that takes occurrence everyday. The truth is, it's not even racial, it's programming.

But why? Why do people do it? Well, for those of you who can't wrap your head around the idea that some people do it just because they can, then I suggest you look no further than common sense. Maybe there's a Jew out there with a death wish. Maybe there's a dude out there who got ripped off by his Japanese girlfriend and now all he sees are chinks and gooks. Maybe there's some girl out there who really hates black people, and to her, they're nothing but dumb ape niggers. Or, as some have stereotyped this behavior to, maybe there's some insecure little masturbating white 15 year-old who has no life outside of his computer and thinks that he can do whatever he wants because the Internet is a vast plethora of trash. The fact that we can't escape is that there is no formulaic answer to this mystery, my dear Watson. The only "elementary" thing about it is that it what is it.

The Internet is rife with crap, but amongst the crap there is a lot of good things about it. If you can shake off the crap and let it go by without phasing you, then perhaps you should following my advice to curing your illness:

1. Throw your computer tower/laptop out the window (the higher, the better!)

2. Throw yourself out the window (Like I said, the higher, the better!)

3. Make sure your relatives read your story from the Darwin Awards publications at your funeral. (Haunt them if they don't)

Following these simple steps will ensure a decisive victory over your troublesome woes. The Internet is not a place to impose one person's sense of morality over another, but there are a few things we agree on, such as children under the age being posted on the Internet nude. Things like a sex tape, internal promotional videos, and news information should not be censored in the least. When you try to censor that kind of thing, you're asking the world to turn a blind eye towards what's happening around them. Despite what stereotypes you may have about people who spent copious amounts of time on the Internet, they want what you want, and they get it with the click of a button... Perhaps, those who use the Internet aren't as degenerate as you may think, and perhaps it is you who are the backwards thinking primate still trying to start fire with two sticks.

Until next time,
De Facto

A Change is Needed

2010-02-06T05:40:00.000-06:00

For anyone who has taken notice and kept track of my "Quitting Progress" you may have noticed that my progress has been past due by nearly two days. The problem is that I failed my Goal 3. I was half-way through the first of three days and caved. Quitting is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. I hate it, but the reality is that I started something that requires a little more than a half-baked plan to quit. That is why I have decided to change my strategy, and although it will probably mean that I will not quit before I have to buy more cigarettes; I am determined to quit.

In my first attempt, the way I did it was this: complete each goal and then take a day in which I allowed myself to smoke. The idea was that I would be weaning myself off of the stuff over the course of about a month and half. This time around, if I happen to cave during any one of my goals, I will restart the whole process. It doesn't matter if I'm at Goal 34 (go 34 days without smoking), I will restart and go back to Goal 1. I may decide against this, because it seems self-defeating at that point, so perhaps once I make it that far, I may not go back as far as Goal 1, but perhaps Goal 20 or something like that. Do you see my point though? This way, the progress is less stressful, but still progress.

The fact is that I cannot quit on my own strength. I'm a lousy quitter at something I enjoy. If I love something, I won't let it go. With smoking, I have a love-hate relationship, because it's the only thing that can calm me down anymore since I've become dependent on it. What I need is God, and prayer support from my brothers and sisters who know of my struggle. There are some who still don't know, and if they don't then let them remain ignorant. Some know, but choose to embrace a more critical perspective on the whole situation. The rest are those who truly understand what is happening, or maybe they don't understand, but they know that God does and they put their trust in Him. I need those who put their trust in God to pray for me that He will continue to give me strength and peace as I go through this process to quit smoking.

Until next time,
De Facto

My Honest Assessment of the Church

2010-02-04T02:20:00.000-06:00

I am a Protestant. If I ever give anyone the impression that I'm not, I apologize, because I'm completely Protestant. I have been a long-time admirer of the Catholic Church, but I don't have any immediate plans of converting (although I'm not ruling it out either.) I have spent over four years researching, two and half considering my conversion, and another five months in limbo regarding the whole issue. Despite some theological disagreements, I have another grievance that I feel is often overlooked or written off as something else.

When attending Mass (the regular weekly service) as an observer, one has to understand that the traditions and ceremonies are based on centuries of cultivation and derive from ancient practices which still serve a purpose today. Everything is very calculated, and while some may misinterpret this as rehearsed and cold; the fact is that it is what a person makes of it in their own spiritual walk. At the time when a lot of the individual rituals were developed, such as praying the Rosary, most of the congregation was illiterate. Praying redundantly was not meant to be a meaningless recitation of Scriptural prayers and praises, but rather to show the sincerity of the one praying. Today, people can easily make up a prayer on the spot without much thought put into it, but at the time of the Rosary's conception, that may have proven to be a difficult task.

People are fickle. We hang on to guilt as if it were a the coat keeping us from dying of hypothermia in the dead of an Alaskan winter. For some, they can't let go of their own self-condemnation until they've gone to the priest and confessed their wrong-doings, prayed, made penance, made restitution, and left the parish. This is a perfectly normal, albeit not efficient, part of being human. It's always harder to forgive yourself than it is to forgive others. At the root, we always want to blame ourselves for things that happen even if we had nothing to do with it. The Church knew this from the start and thus the lengthy and often perceived empty practice of confession began. Putting aside absolution, we can therefore reach an understanding of why someone would go to confession. I have often felt the desire to go myself, however I am not well versed in the ritual and therefore do not want to be seen as outsider or someone who is only giving lip service.

Most, if not all, of the people I closely associate myself with have a very harsh judgment of the Church. To them, it's all a bunch of spiritually dead people and rituals which have no practical application. To this I say, "Dig deeper and open your mind." The fact that you don't understand or don't appreciate the careful precision and artistic displays does not mean it isn't spiritual. You don't have to convert, and I'll be the last one to peddle something that you won't like, because I'd rather you find out what it's all about for yourself. I'm only giving you a glimpse into the reality which has been misunderstood since original Lutherans were put six feet under.

The other problem that I see is that there are too many young people raised in the Church who go through confirmation and then walk out the doors and never really take into consideration all that they learned. Most Protestants go through some Biblical training, as children we go to Awana/Sonlight, and some even attend a regular Bible study which gives them new ideas and concepts to ponder. Protestants have removed, some more than others, the ritualistic and iconic practices which the Church clings to as a tie to their grassroots. I respect both sides of the coin. I understand why people would avoid hymns like the plague, but at the same time I have and pray the Rosary on occasion because of it's simplicity when all other words fail me.

A perfect example is this: I was running the technical side for a major production with the theatre company I'm apart of. After the show, I felt led to take anointing oil (which was in the form of cream because oil gets messy if spilled) and pray over each actor as they left the dressing room. They lined up at the door and I put a tiny amount of cream on my finger and made the sign of the cross on their forehead while saying, "All the garbage off, in the name of Jesus..." The last guy in the dressing room, who shares my name, requested that I not do it because he didn't want it to be ritualistic. To that, I conceded and let him walk out the door without so much as a word. I knew that for him, the spiritual stigma of playing the worldly role he had just played was not going to be a stumbling block and that God would wash any residual icky-ness off regardless of whether I did anything or not. The anointing oil, the sign of the cross, and the phrase I uttered were merely symbolism of something much bigger than what the eyes could see. I did it because I felt led to, and I think it was done because some of the actors have a hard time disassociating themselves with their role (also known as getting out of character) as much as they do letting go of the spiritual junk that gets flung at them when they play these worldly roles.

The anointing oil, the sign of the cross, and the phrase weren't going to do diddly-squat on their own. The only one who could do anything about what might have been going on with each of those actors was God. He is the one who sees into their hearts and minds and knows what's going on with them. Likewise, the Church recognizes that most of the practices and rituals performed on a regular basis are symbolism of something much greater than what our eyes can see. In a sense, they try to bridge the gap between faith and evidence by supplementing faith with actions.

Until next time,
De Facto

Can you accept me?

2010-01-26T21:31:00.000-06:00

I am not a perfect person, and while my persona may put off some people because they think I'm arrogant or someone who thinks he has it all together, but I'm nothing like that... If anything, these past few weeks have been some of the most humbling weeks of my life and I have no one to blame but myself. Sure, I can point out contributing factors to the faults I have, place blame on this influence and that influence. I could give you a laundry-list of reasons why it isn't my fault that I am the way I am, but the fact is that I am simply not perfect and I make mistakes.

Shortly after graduation I smoked a celebratory cigar, which in my opinion is not wrong, but after a while it fed my curiosity about smoking cigarettes. I took one and found myself getting into it, against my better judgment and years of long-standing hatred for the stuff. I bought my own pack and then another after I had finished it, but half-way through my second pack I looked at my cigarette and said, "This is disgusting... Why am I doing this?" I threw away the rest of the pack and didn't touch another for about six months.

I thought this was the end of it. I never stopped thinking about cigarettes, and occasionally I was tempted to buy a pack so that I could stop thinking about them, but I wanted to be done with them. One night though, a friend of mine wanted to celebrate his legal passage into adulthood with a couple of mutual friends. We went to a cigar shop and bought cigars, and I'm ashamed to say it, but I spent money that I saved for a harmless video game I had been looking forward to for nearly a year. It wasn't the cigar that did it, because I never inhale the smoke from a cigar, but one of the mutual friends is a smoker and when I was offered a cigarette I didn't refuse. After that night, I found myself needing a cigarette. I couldn't understand it, but I literally got anxious and sickly. That's how the downward spiral became my fall towards a premature death.

I compromised my beliefs, my strict code of ethics, because I wanted to try something new and do something that some of the most prestige class does: smoke cigars. From there, it was only a half-step down to try a cigarette, and another half-step to keep smoking them even after I had had my first one. Pretty soon I had taken so many half-steps down the ladder of ethics that I found myself where I am now. I had to tell my parents because I couldn't avoid it forever, the smell was on my jacket and I'm not the type that likes to hide things from my parents. My siblings found out by the smell, so eventually I flat out told them the truth because I wasn't going to lie to them.

I can make it sound like I'm better than other smokers, as if there was such a thing. I don't litter my butts all over the place and instead put them out in the snow and then shove them in my pocket until I can find a trash can. I also don't share my cigarettes with anyone who doesn't already smoke, because I'm not going to contribute to someone else fantasy about looking cool for smoking. The reality is that there is nothing I can do to be better than any other smoker, accept to continue to try to quit. I want to quit and stay quit; not throw away the cigarettes and then come groveling back to them.

Most people think that you can't be a Christian and be a smoker, but the truth is that's like saying you can't be a Christian and make mistakes. Smoking is addicting; plain and simple. I think that in school that little fact is downplayed by the overwhelming list of horrible things that are in cigarettes and the destruction it does to your body. My point in saying all that is that making the choice to smoke even just once can have a long lasting consequences which may be harder than you think to recover from.

If you can accept me, and still hate the fact that I smoke; that's the kind of person I need. I'm not looking for people to accept my smoking. I want you to loathe the smoking, but I need you to accept me. If all you see when you see me is the smoking, then don't bother. I can't be around you and you obviously wouldn't want to be around me. It's okay though, my own mother basically told me I'm stupid and my sisters told me they hate me now because of it; I can understand if you'd like to join the growing throng of people who would rather disown me because of a mistake I made.

Until next time,
De Facto

What is Christian Music? What is a Christian band?

2010-01-20T09:36:00.000-06:00

About five months ago, back when I had a Facebook, I wrote a blog entry there that basically announced I was getting rid of my secular music and owning only Christian music. For a while everything was fine and I didn't run into any problems. After time had passed and things had settled down, after telling people that I don't miss Facebook and don't regret leaving; I began to run into a few points of confusion. Here's the situation:

The question, "What is Christian music?" may sound a bit ridiculous to you if you're the kind of person who sees it as a very black and white issue. There's Steven Curtis Chapman and then there's Marilyn Manson, right? Well, unfortunately it really isn't that simple. You've got Christians in a band playing music, is their music Christian Music? Or what about a secular artist who plays real Christmas music, is it Christian Music? The answer becomes a little more complicated now, doesn't it? The truth is that Christian music and calling a band that plays it a "Christian band" is really to put music into a box that limits the audience to whom a band can reach.

Take Switchfoot for example. They do not market themselves as a Christian band. Each of the band members individually have a relationship with Christ, but the band makes no claim to be Christian and their music doesn't blast, "Jesus this, Jesus that..." On the other extreme we have Flyleaf. They are also all Christians, and they don't market themselves as a "Christian band." Their lyrics however, say something to the effect of,

"Beautiful bride,
Body of Christ,
One flesh abiding
Strong and unifying
Fighting ends in forgiveness
Unite and fight all division
Beautiful bride..."

Are they anymore Christian than Switchfoot? Music by Switchfoot has been used numerous times by Christians to make human videos that demonstrate the sacrifice Christ made for us, while Flyleaf plays shows alongside bands like Korn, Theory of a Deadman, and Disturbed. So then which band is Christian? Are either of them Christian bands? The term "Christian band" is just way too vague without a satisfying definition.

I'll give you one final test to bring my point home. I'm going to give you the lyrics without telling you what band it is, and you decide for yourself if it is Christian.

"We're more than carbon and chemicals
We are the image of the invisible
Free will is ours and we can't let go
We are the image of the invisible
We can't allow this, the quiet cull
We are the image of the invisible
So we sing out this, our canticle
We are the image of the invisible

We were all lost, now we are found
No one can stop us or slow us down
We are all named and we are known
We know that we'll never walk alone..."

Let me wrap it up by asking you one more question, if there is a plumber who believes in Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, is he a Christian plumber?

Until next time,
De Facto

New Year... But the vermin still squirm free... And the starving continue to starve, hooray!

2010-01-01T00:17:00.000-06:00

In case anyone wasn't aware that there are starving children all over the world while America throws away more than 30% of its perfectly good food. There are cruel dictators oppressing the once free people, and others who oppress the freedom to think for oneself in the most devious ways. In places like Russia and China, abortion is like going in to get your teeth done. Women on average have between 6-8 abortions in their lifetime, after which they are usually rendered infertile because the procedures have left them without the internal parts to sustain a life in the womb. There are children who should be holding teddy bears, but instead hold AK-47s and rocket launchers while sipping poisoned water.

As I'm writing this, in my small portion of the world, we're a half an hour into 2010. Although many of us dream of new beginning and things to achieve in the next 364 1/2 days, there isn't much beyond our limited scope of "Me" that we're willing to change, is there? How many of you put down, "End world hunger", "Overthrow a dictatorship" or, "Free the 250 million slaves in the world" on your list of new years resolutions? I didn't think so. The truth is that we may start a new diet that last for a week or two, but does that diet involve donating food to a food shelf or organizing that sends food to starving children? No, I didn't hope for as much. Oh yeah, there are a lot of evil people in this world to blame for problems and things that are happening all over the globe, but you don't need to look to some remote country in Africa to find the dwelling of the wretched contributor to the filth and destruction that goes on. We only have to find a mirror. That's right, we are all take a part in the blame game because we each know of something that's wrong with this world and yet it still goes on.

Oh, and I'm not just talking to Christians, although I have something special to say to them. This is for humanists, Buddhists, Hindus, Latter-Day Saints, Jehovah's Witnesses, Sikhs, Muslims, Jews, and every other religious or otherwise existing person. We, as capable human beings are not able to only provide for ourselves, or even just our family should we decide to have one; we are also capable to help our fellow man. We may not be able to rescue a slave, but maybe you're able to put in a couple extra hours to send money to an organization that works to rescue slaves. You may not be able to fly an orphan all the way from Darfur, but maybe you can skip going to the movies and and instead send that money to an organization that has set up refugee camps for these orphaned children. Maybe you just don't have the money to send to any organization, but perhaps you can volunteer your time to package food for a distribution company or at the food shelf. Maybe it's something as simple as knitting scarves for the homeless in colder climate areas.

Christians, of all people, should be going above and beyond this in any way they possibly can. The way I see it, there's a lot of us that have been more concerned with the political delicacies of Washington's filth instead of actually trying to be apart of the solution. It seems like too often we've got our heads so far up our asses that we can't see all the work that has yet to be done. Enough arguing who's is right and wrong, it was never meant to be about rules and regulations, but about Love. We can't be about the Father's business if we're focused on pounding the gavel on somebody's head. Before you try to defend yourself by pointing a finger at me and asking what I'm doing; I readily admit that I too am not doing all I can to help the causes of the weak and oppressed, but that doesn't justify your apathy and lack-luster performance as light in the darkness. If you're waiting for me or someone else to lead the charge into battle against the evil in this world, then you're a fool. Wake up! Tomorrow is too late, there's people dying today, and you're content to sit and eat your Cheerios and drink your Tropicana OJ. Wake up! There's too much to do to just sit on your behind all day and dream about Eternity.

Wake up, because you never know if there will be a next time,
De Facto

Burning the Midnight Oil... For Nothing?

2009-12-27T02:13:00.000-06:00

It's quite late, approximately 02:14 and as I write down the time I'm reminded that I never did figure out why my blog time stamp is off. You see? There I go again, I'm trying to write a deeply thought-provoking blog entry and all I can write about is the stupid time stamp. Might as well write about a guy who's up past his bedtime reading the most fantastic blog entries (which are not his own) and watching some rather mind numbing television shows via the Internet. Oh wait, that guy is me.

I can't pretend to have something really deep and note worthy to discuss when I don't have anything. Right now my brain feels like applesauce two months after expiration, but at the same time I'm looking at my leather-bound Bible and the embossed words, "Veritas De Facto" in the bottom right corner... Am I Truth in practice? It seems really hypocritical to me to have a blog and tote a Bible that would appear to make the claim that I am Truth in practice. Then again, today I read the second chapter of Joshua which tells the story of Rahab the prostitute taking in spies and hiding them from the king. God took the lowliest of people and used her to deliver the land to the Israelites. If God would do that for a prostitute, what would He do for me?

This isn't to say that I should sin and sin again as if His grace was stuck to me like my head is to my neck. By willfully choosing to sin repeatedly, it is my understanding and belief that I'd be rejecting God's grace. In Hebrews 11:25, it is said that sin is only pleasurable for a season. When we take that into our understanding of what a season is, although literal and limited as the metaphor maybe, we have four seasons. We get one season of pleasure, and then what do we get? Romans 6:23 tells that the wages of sin is death. We choose to sin and we get one season of pleasure and three seasons of death. When I think about it on a broader scope, one might see this life as merely a season, but eternity can seem like twice that or even triple. Perhaps, you could even say you get to spend this life in the pleasure of sin, but you spend eternity in death. Of course, I'm not talking about six feet under, but rather a death that one can never be resurrected from; separation from God. I would rather die a thousand deaths here on earth than suffer one death knowing I would separated from my Savior.

Anyways, coming back to my Veritas De Facto motto and persona... It seems that while I had picked it because it was a strong and powerful phrase, the responsibility that comes with plastering that everywhere is such that it requires character of a strong and powerful person. I, of myself, have no power whatsoever. Nada. Zilch. Zero ("Go ahead, read it, it's orders from 'The Voice.") I am just a human, though I am God's workmanship, I make my own choices and some of them do not reflect my Maker's perfection. I openly and humbly admit that I do not always do the right thing, but I also openly and humbly accept the grace of Jesus Christ who redeemed my sorry self from the punishment of my sin so that I might spend eternity worshiping Him before His throne. Leaving all doctrinal debates aside about whether I'll actually get to do that once I die, consider the notion which I put forth and examine the resolve of my desire to serve my King.

In John 14:6, "Jesus replied, 'I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life[...]'" Jesus is the Truth and we are to be imitators of Jesus, therefore we are to be imitators of Truth. In claiming that I am Truth in practice is to claim that I am an imitator of Christ, the Truth. Looking at it that way, realizing that everyone should be, "Veritas De Facto" makes the title less grandiose and intimidating. Since it's not about the titles or about the peron(s) holding those titles, then having my clever little Latin catch-phrase suddenly reduced to standard by which all Christians of every denomination should be living by is really not a big deal.

Still, I thank God for my lovely new Bible embossed with this standard and I pray that as I begin my journey through His Word yet again, that He will reveal to me more and more of Himself.

Until next time,
De Facto

Something good this way comes

2009-12-23T04:22:00.000-06:00

I know that some people who have followed my blog entries about upcoming writings know that it's about 50/50 on the turn out rate. The thing is, regardless of whether I get to writing the story that's got me all fired up after watching the movie Avatar (2009), I'm still coming out with a language in its infancy development stages. I've already laid the groundwork for the grammar, structure, and alphabet (phonetic and characters.) My hope is that I can get a few dedicated people to actually attempt to learn and incorporate the language in conversation. This would most likely manifest in the form of letter written once a weekly or once every other week. These would not have to be hand written letters, however hand written letters would provide me with valuable feedback on the level of difficulty for others in reproducing the characters I created. I'm not sure which to be more excited about, the story, or the language I'm creating for the story and its sequels.

Just a couple days ago I went to the theater to see James Cameron's Avatar. This movie was 14 years in the making and is the most expensive project to date. James Cameron, in case the name doesn't ring a bell, is the guy who made the classic Titanic. If you're memory is a little spotty or you're not into trivial facts concerning film, Titanic was one of the most expensive but also the most successful film in the mainstream box office. No film, not even Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight was able to surpass the gross income raked in for the Titanic. Now that you have an idea about this guy's track record, let me tell you about his latest film and possibly one of my favorite films of all time.

Avatar is set on the fictional planet Pandora. This planet is much like our own. Also like Earth, Pandora has valuable resources, one of which is so valuable that mere kilos of the material will make you rich. Our main character, Jake Sullivan is sent to Pandora to replace his dead brother as a special type of negotiator. Sullivan was selected because his genome was compatible the avatar built for his brother. An avatar, in context to the film, is an artificially developed body in resemblance to Pandora's only sentient life, the Na'vi, infused with the DNA of person who will remotely control this body.

If you're feeling lost by my run down, don't feel bad, because I'm going to catch you up real quick here. This film is excellent display of how real a CGI character can be. At times I forgot I that I was looking at computer animated characters, they blended in so well with the environment (granted many environments were CGI.) The fact is, if they hadn't done such a good job on the rendering, then I'd probably get really sick of looking at cheaply made CGI characters sloppily cut and paste onto a real forest background. The only other option would have been to make this film a motion-capture film like The Polar Express, Beowulf, and Jim Carey's A Christmas Carol. To me, and a lot of other amateur film critics, these motion-capture style films don't hold the same value as films that simply mix CGI with real characters and environments. With that, it should come as no surprise that it cost James Cameron over $300 million to make this film, and it stands to reason that someone who puts down that much cash for some renderings is going to get the most lifelike renderings you'll ever see.

What Christians going to this film will probably hear from their other Christian friends is that this movie is reminiscent of Manifest Destiny and Greenpeace's push to save Mother Earth. People who say this fail to see a major difference that Sigourmey Weaver's character points out quite vividly, Pandora's connection to the animal, plant, and sentient life is biologically explainable. While Native Americans might have claimed to have a connection to all of life through some power given to them by the Great Spirit, the Na'vi and James Cameron aren't making that claim for Pandora. The Na'vi have tentacles smaller than fingers hidden beneath a tuft of hair at the end of their braided hair which can connect to similar tentacles on the animals that roam Pandora. The plant life doesn't seem to have these tentacles, but they still can make that connection, if only a one-way communication. These connections are neural in nature, and therefore when the Na'vi connect to an animal they can temporarily conscript its service. The Na'vi, like most Native American tribes, worshiped a nature-related deity. For the Na'vi her name is Ewya, the goddess of nature and of Pandora itself, who actually turns out to be a large tree with branches similar to a weeping willow except that these branches are larger versions of those neural tentacles I was telling you about. By connecting neural-tentacle-ally to the tree, the Na'vi can retrieve the memories of their dead ancestors, which is also explained by their burial process which involves Ewya absorbing their "energy" (which is their neural synapses).

I say all that to show you that James Cameron's invented race and the mythology they subscribe to is actually, in its fundamentals, a sound religion backed by the science. The Native Americans and their Great Spirit had no such science to back up their beliefs. Try not to get too offended by nature-loving/tree-hugging message you might be receiving, it's just your oversensitive oil-drilling self getting a little trigger happy.

I would give this film a 4.5/5. I won't give a 5/5 simply because I don't give that out to any film but the ones that live up to the highest of high expectations and then exceed them beyond my wildest imagination. If you're wondering what films did that for me, I'd say Watchmen and The Dark Knight were just two action films that did that for me. Forrest Gump and Finding Nemo were two other films that also received a perfect 5/5 in my book. If there's one thing I might suggest when you go to see this movie which you now know is an film that you would be foolish not to see in theaters, is that I wouldn't recommend paying the extra $3 or $4 just to see it in 3D. I saw it in 3D and didn't realize what was 3D about it until about an hour into the film when things started falling from the sky and appeared to be coming from the ceiling towards the screen. Still, the 3D portion of the film did not live up to the expectations I had for it based on what my friends had told me, but that did not effect my opinion of the film.

Until next time and Merry Christmas,
De Facto

Life is a Mine Field

2009-12-15T16:53:00.000-06:00

"It's no game, when someone lives without His grace,
Who's to blame? When it blow ups in your face!
It's a mine field, you'd follow Him through
God knows the way, you'd better stick like glue
It's a mine field, you'd better stay on His heels
'Cause the enemy steals, and the enemy kills
So keep your head down, and keep your eyes peeled
'Cause life is, life is a mine field"

"Mine Field" - Petra, written by Bob Hartman.
Words inspired from Proverbs 3:6, 1 Peter 5:8, Matthew 16:24
You can listen to the full song: Click Here

I was uploading and transferring files into my iTunes about an hour ago, and while doing so I was listening to the song that I posted above among other songs, but the words really stuck out to me. What struck me the most was the line, "It's no game, when someone lives without His grace." When I think about the truth of those words, it brings me to tears. People are literally living life and spiritually walking through a mine field. They have no idea what's going on and those of us who do, are walking around so comfortable and complacent, it's ridiculous how many people slip through our fingers every day. We may not be able to lead them all to Christ, but we can at least plant the seed. I think about all the people I talk to, all the people I deal with whenever I go out somewhere, and I wonder if I just let them go.

It's not enough to hope that someone else will reach them, or to let other evangelists reach out to them. It's true that there are those who have a passion and fervor for reaching the lost, but we are all called to preach the Gospel. We are don't even have to lead them to Christ, because in fact just by preaching the Gospel we are, the Holy Spirit can work the rest of it out in their hearts and minds. We simply have to say, "Yes, Lord" and do His will. Those of us who have been walking with the Lord for years, or maybe you were raised in a Christian home, know all this stuff. You know how to talk like a Christian, you can finish a Scripture someone is quoting, and you have everyone looking in from the outside thinking you're a good little Christian; I ask you, "Where is your faith?" It doesn't matter what you know in your head. What matters is in your heart, who is in your heart, who dwells within you. And if you have the Light inside, then let it shine, so that those who are empty inside can be made whole.

I cry out to God and ask, "Oh my God, how can I reach more people? More people, Lord! There's just so many people." It reminds me so much of the song, "Whether They Like It Or Not" by Disciple in which they sing about preaching the Gospel whether or not the rest of the world likes it. The fact is that things like college, blogging, listening to music, and things that we general put a level of importance on should be put on the back burner when opportunities come along to reach the lost. Or, you could make it easier on yourself and just preach the Gospel wherever you are. You don't have to whip out your 1688 KJV deluxe leather-bound pulpit Bible just to preach the Gospel. It could be something as simple as saying, "Jesus loves you" as you check out at the grocery store/department store instead of saying the expected, "Have a nice day." It's not politically correct, and thereby is not polite, but we're in the world and not of it, so that's just a little impoliteness we'll have to suffer through.

You wouldn't horde a cup of blood that contains disease, so why are you hording the cup of life? That's the blood of Jesus shed for all mankind that they might know of Him and be saved.

Until next time,
De Facto

Newton's Laws, God Bell Curve Grading, and Repentence

2009-12-04T14:16:00.000-06:00

I was listening to some secular rock music and it for whatever it reason it sparked some thoughts about God. I really don't like rock music, particularly secular rock music because it's such a diluted form of music... I think rock could be a great genre, but as it is now... Well, it's crap. Anyways, I was thinking about sin, and how many people would like to think that God grades on a reverse-bell curve. As if somehow, the "evil-er" deeds of others justify your "inconsequential" sins. We humans, so simple-minded, look at individual acts and categorize them as if one were more severe than the other. Rape is worse than lying, hence why we don't put away liars for 25 years. Somehow liars justify their sin by looking at the rapist and saying, "It's not like I'm a rapist!" By that logic, I could justify nearly anything. One murder could be justified because it wasn't a genocide, a rape could be justified because it wasn't pedophilia, and so on and so forth. See how the foolishness of our own childish reasoning? We humans really are a child race of our Maker, only capable of seeing things from a limited perspective.

I was also thinking about how Newton's Laws of Physics seem to apply quite nicely to sin. One law in particular states that for action there is an equal and opposite reaction. With sin, there is some kind of pleasureable stimulus that keeps us coming back for more. We lust because it gratifies us in some way, but there is also that opposite reaction. Lust consumes us and if unchecked, can cause us to do all sorts of evil that we would have never considered when we started dabbling with sin. Which brings me to another one of Newton's Laws that is parallel to how sin works. That law is that a object in motion will stay in motion unless acted upon by an outside force. Although you may think you're in control, once you start sinning you will continue to do so until something stops you, like your willpower to repent. Someone might argue that that's not an outside force, and perhaps it isn't. The way I see it though is that free will is a God-given right, a gift to us so that we would not be like angels who chose their destiny long ago at the time of Lucifer's fall. In that respect, our free will seems more like an outside force than something that comes from within us.

I can't pretend to know everything, but after spending two years studying Biblical principles at an Institute hosted by church, I can say with some confidence that I at least have a foggy clue what I'm talking about. Speaking of outside forces, can you guess what isn't an outside force that stops you from sinning? Have you guessed it yet? If you guessed, "false humility" then you guessed right. You may fool your pastor, the priest your confessing to, or your friend who you're talking your sin through, but you cannot fool God. God sees your heart, and if your prayers of "repentence" are just lip service, then so will God's forgiveness. You reap what you sow; an empty sacrifice yields and empty reward.

When I think about my life, the way I live, and the things I do. How much of it sets the ball rolling of sin? What things in my life are fleshly things that keep me from living the life God has called me to live. I know that I can be slothful, a horrible habit bred by my upbringing, and that's not an excuse either. Often times I mean well when I set out to do something, but then I get overzealous and start many things at once and never finish any of them. Unfortunately, I do the exact opposite at times when I know that I can't handle multiple projects, in that I just don't do anything and say, "I can't handle that stuff right now. I just need to prioritize." If I prioritized with all the free time I had, I could prioritize the next 250 years of my life into the most structured and organized life... What a dull existence that would be... There's nothing wrong with be prioritized, in fact it's wise to do so, but being spontaneous is good in both battle and in everyday life. Bringing this back to focus, I don't want people to read this and get put off thinking that I'm out there with a Holier Than Thou attitude trying to condemn you all. I'm actually saying this because I look at myself and recognize a flaw and some symptoms of it, how it got started, and some parallels to the rest of the world that we can all relate to.

On an unrelated note, I am really sad and you can read a poem that I wrote, which explains why: Click Here

Until next time,
De Facto

In Case You Were On The Fence...

2009-11-28T09:25:00.000-06:00

Most of my friends I've talked to, not all, but most don't want to take a vocal stance against Scientology. I'm sure they all have "good" reasons, but to me none of them are "good" enough, not when there is so much at stake.

So in case you were still on the fence about this issue:

Until next time,
De Facto

What Our Fathers Really Meant Was...

2009-11-23T23:18:00.000-06:00

It amazes me how very few pictures there are of all the Founding Fathers, in fact I couldn't find one. The one here to the left is actually historically inaccurate since some people paid the artist to have their face in the picture regardless of the fact that they were not there when this event occurred. The painter and his skills were the prehistoric Photoshop. Unfortunately, I didn't conjure up the idea to write about phony pictures and the lack of quality images that display the faces of all our founding fathers. Instead, I've decided to talk about an issue much more pertinent to today and our lives daily.

As a Christian, there is a lot of stigma behind that title. Fellow protesters of Scientology have jested about certain dogmatic aspects of Christianity attributing it to religion as a whole. The biggest stigma is that Christians are suppressive. Christians have a history of suppressing all sorts of things which include sexuality and the discussion thereof, critical thinking, dissenting speech, controversial literature, opposing theological viewpoints, atheism, science, and anything that might have the potential to threaten the mainstream Christian-held beliefs. With such a negative rep, I'd like to be able to tell my friends and fellow protesters that that was all in the past and that that was stuff Renaissance era religious blindness, but I can't because it's all happening today. Human sexuality is still being suppressed in the form of imposing our Christian views on others. The same is true for most of everything else I listed previously. It a huge grievance for me that many millions of Christians have bought into the lie that Christianity is all about right and wrong; sin and virtue. It is a big heaping mess of hypocrisy to assert our moral, cultural, and political values on others when Jesus did not impose His Way on us. The tragedy of liberty is the freedom for groups to invent reason to suppress each other over fabrications of nothing.

Some Christians, the most vile and hypocritical of them all, are more crafty than to blatantly label their organizations as Christian organizations, but instead pose as followers of such high and lofty ideologies as liberty, virtue, and truth. They cite the Founding Fathers intentions as justification for censorship and religious favoritism. America is not a Christian nation, regardless of what some "patriots" would like you to believe. Yes, this nation was founded by men who listened to God, and quite very likely helped found this nation because of strength from God, but they did not found a Christian nation. To say that America is a Christian nation defeats the whole purpose of America. America was an escape from the cruel oppression of the Church of England, and later from the tyrannical King George. Some Christians think it is their business to impose on others their own interpretation of the Constitution, as if they have some divine connection to our long dead Founders and can therefore express the true meaning and intent of the words which we hold so dear.

Stupid Christians, always thinking their better than everyone else. I can't stand the arrogance of my own family, that is my spiritual family. And I'm not picking on one denomination over another, Catholics have a very bloody history, but the Baptists are known for their hellfire and brimstone sermons that only turn people away, while charismatics and their over-spiritualistic attitude towards everything has turned people over little things like Harry Potter and Twilight. Do you know what I think it is? I think it is Christians who have not had a real relationship with God, who don't read their Bibles without a judgmental filter, and who have nothing but contempt for anyone or anything that doesn't conform to their picture-perfect idea of a world that doesn't exist but in their twisted little mind.

Honestly, the freedoms we have today are not meant to be interpreted as a license for Christians to skew it in their favor. The freedom of speech protects the rights of Neo-Nazis and Christians alike. It protects those who want to say, "fuck" every other word with those who want to say, "Merry Christmas." The freedom of religion ensures that a Buddhist can live out his life without being subjected to Christian standards and expectations of how he should act. It protects Christians from being hunted down, raped, tortured, and killed because of their faith. It also protects an atheist from having to participate in any religious activity or adhere to any tenets of faith which he does not volunteer to adhere to.

I propose another freedom be added specifically for those who might want impose their views on others without their consent, the freedom to find a hole and die.

So Cold

2009-11-18T03:41:00.000-06:00

If you are expecting to read something profound, enlightening, or otherwise thought-provoking then I suggest you abandon all hope of it here and now. This entry is a long and possibly exaggerated rant about how much I hate living in a cold state of freezing coldness. Nothing in this post can seriously be taken as a joke, honestly it is really quite absurd.

I live in the northernmost region of the Midwest, USA. In my state we have a saying that we have four seasons: almost winter, winter, not yet over winter, and construction. Despite Al Gore's persistent nagging coupled with the popular trend to go green, it's actually been colder these past few summers and I've noticed. This past summer I could hardly tell what season it was considering that I barely sweat. I actually begged my dad on certain occasions to let me use a space heater in my room, in the middle of July. I fortunate to spend most of my summer touring the lesser known parts of neighboring states performing at summer camps.

I am the self-proclaimed "biggest wimp in the state [when it comes to the cold]." I think that over time my self-proclamation has turned to self-evident truth. I remember when my ex-girlfriend told me she wanted to live in Alaska I began to ask myself if God intended love to hurt that much. Apparently God didn't intend for love to hurt that much because I'm not with her anymore. Just so anyone who's real sensitive and wants to get all guilt trippy on me, I want you to know that I would have gone to Alaska and lived out the rest of my life there without one word of complaint if it had meant I was going to spend the rest of my life with that woman. She is a one in a million kind of woman, but not my one in a million woman, and that's all I have to say about that.

Now this issue I have with cold... I think that December would just not be December without snow. I can't imagine anything other than a white Christmas. However, the snow and cold doesn't come and go in December... No, it likes to come as early as October and sometimes doesn't leave until the first week of April. What kind of crap is this? This is madness! (You may now insert your most epic version of the infamous, "This is Sparta" line here.) Seriously though, I can't understand the logic of calling a period of time that spans for more than five months long a season, it's more like one very long nightmare. Most of my friends, admittedly they are female, have said that they wouldn't leave this frost bitten hunk of ice for much of anything. It's a running joke among what most would call my "family" that I will have to move down south to find my wife, but I'm thinking more along the lines of just marrying a volcano. That should be warm enough, right? I mean, volcanoes are women too, look, you start talking to them and all of sudden they just blow up in your face. You don't even know why they did, but they blew up at you and somehow it's all your fault.

Now that I have thoroughly insulted all the sensitive ones with my off the cuff remark about my ex-girlfriend and all the women with my comparison of them to volcanoes; my rant can thoroughly be concluded. I hate being cold. Besides the fact that I'm the only one who walks around in August with a black sweater simply because I need it to stay warm, my room is equipped with a space heater capable of heating my whole room in less than 20 minutes as well as an electric fitted sheet that can warm my bed in about 15 minutes. If that wasn't enough, I have enough winter weather clothing that I can't simply don't have room to keep both summer and winter clothing together. Fortunately, I usually layer the two and wear a lot of my winter weight stuff in the summer as well as the colder months. I guess I can be thankful that I was born into a middle-class family in America, because otherwise I'd be a miserable child with a bitter attitude and a most cynical yet intellectual outlook on life.

Until *brrr* next *sneeze* time *wraps self in blanket*,
De Facto

Trivial Matters

2009-11-10T12:33:00.000-06:00

Ever since I joined the theatre company nine months ago, I have gradually pursued a deeper relationship with Yeshua. Before that time, I was pretty complacent in my walk with God. I had no reason to go forward, because where I was people thought I was such spiritual guy and looked up to me as a leader. In truth, I was the furthest thing from a leader and hardly spiritual. When I joined the theatre company God showed me that I had to make a choice. The spiritual warfare was too intense to be on the fence about my spiritual walk. I had to decide who I was going to serve; myself, or God. I chose God, and I'll be honest that when I first made that choice I was making it more as programmed response than because that's what I really wanted. God took my complacency and trampled on it with His awesome righteousness and showed me what I could have if I only lived my life completely dedicated to Him. It was then, after a spiritual kick in the behind that I began the process of surrendering everything. I put it this way because I feel like sometimes when someone talks about when I first started in the ministry, they don't have the full story. Even after I had made the choice to surrender everything, it wasn't until a couple months ago that I was able to surrender one last thing that was so important to me.

In more recent months, I have come to a point in my walk where I feel like God is actually right beside me, and I know that is there for me. I don't have to read Scripture to reassure myself, and even though I still need read Scripture, it's not to reassure myself of these truths which I feel are now self-evident. I call on God and He answers, because I have complete faith in Him. I have wanted this, at least a part of me has, for most of my life. I have always wanted God to be the center of my life and the source of my strength, now I finally have it. This is not to say that I am perfect, because I'm not. I still have free will and still make choices at times that are wrong, but 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of all unrighteousness. This is verse I don't need to quote for reassurance, I quote it to validate what I know. I am at a point in my life where my faith, belief, and knowledge are equally balanced to the point that no matter what happens, I know that God will somehow bring about a glorious outcome.

In Proverbs we're told not to lean on our own understanding, but instead acknowledge Him and He will make our paths straight. Lately I've found myself in situations where I have clearly heard God tell me to do something and it sounded so ridiculous in my own mind that I just didn't do it. For example, one day I was just about to leave for the Ministry House because we had a show that night. God distinctly told me to bring my iPod after I had decided I wasn't going to take it with me. I hesitated after hearing God tell me to bring it. Why would God tell me to bring my iPod? Why would He even care whether or not I bring my iPod? Unfortunately, I didn't bring it, but of course there was a reason God told me to. We were five minutes on the road in the company van when our director pulls something out of a compartment and says, "Hey, look at this, now you guys can let the whole van listen to your iPod. We can plug it in with this deal..." In his hand the director had a cassette adapter for an iPod. My jaw literally dropped as I realized the significance of this. Never in a million years would I expect my director to buy one of those adapters, considering that I never thought he'd tolerate the kind of music most of us actors listen to. God gently chastised me by saying, "You could have unified the team by worshiping Me."

Another time, which actually just happened last week, I was on my way to the Ministry House. It was extremely early in the morning and I was praying up a storm for strength and that God would help us all make the three performances really awesome. I was grabbing all my shirts that I needed, specifically the ones that were on hangers and I heard God say to me that i was supposed to bring my white collared dress shirt. I was really puzzled, since my collared dress shirt wasn't apart of any of my costumes and I had already picked out a different dress shirt to wear en route to the school we were performing at. I shrugged it off and didn't bring the shirt. Sure enough, about ten hours later during our technical rehearsal one of my fellow actors asked me if I had a collared dress shirt. Apparently he had forgotten his and no longer had the appropriate shirt for his costume. I grunted and told him the whole story of what had happened at 4:30 that morning, and I apologized to him and to God for not listening.

Funny thing that I trust God with my finances, or lack thereof, and yet when He tells me to bring an iPod or a white collared dress shirt I have a problem just saying, "Yes, Lord." I'm one of those people that wants to trust God completely, but at the same time I don't want to be unrealistic like some Christians who run around without their glasses saying, "God is going to heal me!!!" Stupidity and blind (yes, blind) following of the doctrines and dogma of some ultra charismatic preacher will get you nowhere. Anyways, that's off topic, I just have to laugh at myself and wag a finger (not the finger) because of how silly I am. I'm sure God doesn't get mad at me when I do this, because He knows what goes through my head, and at the same time I bet it does kind of irk Him that I've come so far and yet I won't just trust Him with trivial things. Samuel told Saul, "I desire obedience rather than sacrifice." I could exhaust all my energy worshiping, dancing, and singing to Lord but God would rather me take my iPod to a performance when He tells me to than doing all that other stuff.

I guess the trivial matters. Until next time,
De Facto

J.O.Y.

2009-11-05T23:54:00.000-06:00

"J is for Jesus, our Savior and King. His love and kindness are the reason we sing. O is others, the people we meet. We'll lead them to Jesus by meeting their needs. Y is for You, and though it seems odd; the last shall be first in the Kingdom of God. First, Jesus, and Others, and then there's You; the secret for a JOYful attitude..." - Star of Bethlehem play

It's funny that I remember this tune from the musical play in which my acting career really began at the age of eight. My church at the time was obsessed with childrens plays. Every Christmas time someone would rise to the occasion to direct a Christmas play with sets, props, and lots of cute little girls dressed as heavenly hosts. It's funny that I remember this tune because the message in it ties into what this blog entry is about. Jesus, Others, and You (Self)

On Wednesday, November 4th, I got up at 4:00am to go get ready for the day. Unfortunately, by got up, I don't mean I woke up, as I didn't sleep a wink that night; too excited. I got to the Ministry House, the place our theatre company has its office and our official meeting place before shows. All the props had been loaded the night before, all that was left was our over-sized tech case that holds a mixer, CD player, DVD player, and microphone antennae affectionately named, "Steve." After having to pick up one of our members in a downtown area, getting into a minor car crash (literally the vehicle clipped us at an illegal speed), informing the teachers at a faculty meeting of what we do, and spending hardly enough time in prayer with the rest of the cast of the show we were about to perform; we hit the stage. About 100 little junior high kids from sixth grade to eighth grade were in the audience all watching us with their precious eyes glued to the stage.

The show went off without much a hitch, and that's not to say it was perfect, but considering that we didn't rehearse for the show beforehand with one performance of the show a week prior; it was still a professional show. After going into classrooms and disseminating and reinforcing the concepts presented in the play, and then a light lunch (I try not to eat too much before performances or else risk a severe stomach ache); cast readied themselves for another performance of the same show. Most of us were already tired, but we had to be more energetic than the first show. The second show was much better than the first, and our director thought that it was proof that if you put on a high energy show that even the cheesiest play can attract a senior high crowd. When we had finished performing the second show we had to go into the classrooms and talk with our peers about what was going on. We had mixed feelings about how well that went. We rested for a few minutes, I spent most of that time praying and talking to my director about several things, not least of which were some of the choice words I used in my testimonial speaking to get the point across. When the rest of the cast had arrived for the evening show we had to get to work setting up.

We were in such a crunch to get everything ready for the show that we almost missed dinner. We were supposed to be met by a local church pastor who would take us over to his church and feed us with his youth group. Unfortunately, there was some kind of miscommunication and our director ended up going to the church to pick up whatever leftovers might have been there without knowing whether or not there would be any. Fortunately, the church had three boxes of pizza, two bags of apples, a few clusters of grapes, and double sided generic brand cookies. The whole cast ate quickly, and I mean that within a matter of minutes the two pepperoni pizzas were almost gone except for two pieces we saved for a member who was one the phone at the time the food arrived. It was at this time that I was grabbing food for myself and eating as fast as could that I didn't realize what was happening. I wasn't just eating fast because we had little time to eat, but I was eating quickly to ensure that I would be able to eat enough so that I was not hungry on stage. Truth of the matter was, anyone who hadn't been with us during the day had been at school and went straight from school to the auditorium where we were getting prepared to perform. In others words, we were all hungry and what I had gone through during the day was more or less legitimate of a reason to be hungry than my friends.

Now I'm pretty sure that most people would not blame me for what I did, especially since I didn't hog the pizza to myself and I ate plenty of fruit to help get some natural sugar in my body. But when I think about it, as a leader I have to set the example, and even better leaders look out for the rest of their mates before looking out for themselves. It wouldn't bother me, this whole thing with the dinner we ate, if it weren't for the fact that I've had opportunities in the past as well as this most recent incident where I could have waited for everyone else to eat before eating myself. Some might think that, since my director and his wife among others were present, the only leadership I needed to demonstrate was by eating a "well-balanced" dinner by combining apple, grapes, and pizza instead of just eating cookies and pizza. To that I say, "Yep, you're right." I know that it really doesn't matter, that I did nothing wrong by just about anyone's standard, except my own. Why am I so hard on myself? I'm hard on myself so that I can become more than what I am. When I get down on myself about eating with others, I'm not thinking about what I did wrong then and there, I'm thinking about what I would be doing wrong in the future when the highest authority of man is me.

That tune, J.O.Y., really reminds me of the way I should think. My friend wrote in a correspondence letter a quote from Max Lucado's book, A Purpose Driven Life, "It's not about you." It truly isn't about me, even when I am a leader. A true leader knows that his strength doesn't come from himself, but from God. Keeping that in mind, it's Yeshua who deserves all the glory, honor, and adoration for the things accomplished. He's the first person we should acknowledge. Then others, not only does this mean people other than myself, but the tune was more specifically referring to those who have not yet found their Way to life. Even the hardest of hearts eventually see when a person is truly humble and giving of themselves, putting others before themself, and it's that kind of humility that I pray I can learn to demonstrate. Finally there's you, and that's the self. No life is insignificant, not even oneself, and the principles brought up in the tun are not meant to demean the importance of oneself, but to remind those of us who want to lead the way that we must remember who comes first. John Maxwell points out that true leaders are the leaders who serve others, who are not waiting to be served by the people under them. True leaders are waiting to serve those under their authority. I hope and pray that I can be that kind of leader.

Until next time,
De Facto

Lay My Burdens Down

2009-10-28T22:23:00.000-05:00

I recently was listening to the most recent album release by Disciple, their album called, "Southern Hospitality" and on there is a track called, "Lay My Burdens" which describes exactly what I am having to do these days. To understand, I have provided a link to the music video exclusively premiered on Tangle (formerly GodTube), click here to watch it.

Lately, with rehearsals being three to four times a week on top of a different show in the midst of rehearsal for another show, I have been feeling so overwhelmed by it all. I have done my best to hide, but tonight it really came out and my mind just keeps going back to that song and the verse in Matthew 11:28 that says, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." I have been working and working, hashing out the details and pushing myself to work through issues I've had during rehearsals; I'm feeling burned out but I can't quit because I have rehearsal tomorrow night and a work project on Saturday. I've been feeling stressed and not really wanting to do the very thing I should do. I know I may not have as busy of a schedule as my spiritual siblings, but going from having nothing to do 24/7 to what I've got going for me now is a major change that's taking a toll on me. As if that wasn't enough, my health is still sub-par and in some ways I feel like it's holding me back. I don't want to complain too much about that though, because I'm not writing this to complain about how "bad" I've got it.

God tells that we will face hard times, but that doesn't mean we have to be overburdened and worn down by our circumstances. In fact, we know from Isaiah 40:31 that when we wait on the Lord, He will renew our strength. We don't have to always try and make things happen, God says wait on Him, and He will renew our strength. From this, I know that God is looking to restore me if I will just turn it all over to Him and wait for His guidance. Tonight, while I was emptying myself of everything before the show, God showed me just how easy it can be to surrender my burdens to Him. I seriously just felt a great peace flood me and that was when I said to God, "Okay, okay... Lord, I surrender it all to You. I give it up to You, just take it from me and deal with it in the way You want it handled."

Friends, I just want to encourage you that if you have been feeling overwhelmed, burdened, or just exhausted and worn out from the stuff you've got going on in your life that you can go to God with it all. None of it is too trivial, because you're His precious child and He loves it when you come to Him with even the littlest of things. He wants a relationship with His children, and if you don't know it yet, a relationship isn't always about serious stuff with deep philosophical implications. Sometimes it's good to go off about the small things. It may not always be easy to just give things over to God, but when you think about it like carrying a heavy backpack full of bricks, it just seems to make sense to give that backpack over to someone who is stronger than you could ever be to carry it for you. Maybe you feel like you don't need to let anyone carry that baggage for you, but another way to think of that baggage is really as garbage. That weight you carry is only bringing you down, and it won't make you stronger, unless you turn it over to God who can elevate you to place of restoration, peace, and understanding.

I pray that you all have a feather-light yoke rest of the week. Be blessed!

Until next time,
De Facto

The Road to Hell is Paved with Good Intentions

2009-10-09T10:52:00.000-05:00

No doubt most people have now heard the news that President Obama has received the Nobel Peace Prize. The media is all abuzz with this, eating up every little bit of information that comes from the White House and from the Nobel Committee. Any skepticism has been crushed by the irrationally biased media fiends who worship the very air the president breathes. There are already articles artificially poising themselves as critics of the 2009 recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize, however upon closer inspection it is clear that they are only deceptive ploys to make the reader agree with the decision.

President Obama said that he was deeply humbled and did not deserve to be among those who have previously received the prize, and that's probably the most truth said since he started campaigning for the presidential office. According to an article I read on Yahoo! News, the Nobel Committee awarded President Obama with the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize in honor of his plans to work towards disarmermant of nuclear weapons, easing tensions in Muslim nations, and efforts of diplomacy over unilateralism (talking to terrorist leaders instead of blowing them up.) According to one of the committee members, this decision was made in effort to bolster support for the presidents' policies.

In other words, President Obama hasn't done anything to merit this prize, but they're giving it to him anyways because they think he will do something good and they want to show support for his plans. HE HASN'T DONE ANYTHING! It's one thing to award someone something if they've done something, but another if we award someone something for things they intend to do. In local news about a year ago, there was a man who saved an epileptic man from being run over by a train by laying down on top of the seizing man in between the two rails as the train passed over their heads. He received the highest honors and medals that society could bestow upon a common citizen. Imagine if he had been given those honors and medals for simply intending to save the epileptic man but not actually doing so. Suddenly anyone who has a whim to do something, regardless of whether they followed through with it could receive a reward. Or perhaps you have to be an ambitious black man from Chicago who had less than humble beginnings (yes, I said what I meant) that marries a very charismatic woman who helps you spearhead your campaign to the White House.

Perhaps the global agenda of socialists is much more well planned than just mere coincidence. The fact that President Obama and the Left use the racism card as both a way to squash opponents and reason to support the president (because we all know that voting for a black man solves the issue of racism in our country.) It really comes as no surprise then that the representative who was apart of the Socialist Left party was the spokesperson for the decision to award President Obama with the Nobel Peace Prize. If you're reading this and thinking I'm talking about global conspiracy, then rest assured that I'm not. What I'm saying is that in these dark times; the allies of moral/social relativism, neo-socialist governments, and spiritual ambiguity are more numerous than ever. The time for apathy is over, and if you don't want to have an opinion, or your opinion is to live and let live, then you will find yourself duped and becoming a slave to many masters who will be more cruel than you can fathom.

Until next time,
De Facto

The Church of $cientology

2009-10-04T22:59:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that there is an organization that is wicked. The evilness of this organization is so insidious that I am most grieved to inform you that it is a religious organization, in fact an entire belief system is upheld by this organization. I am referring to the Church of Scientology, also spelled Church of $cientology, Co$, or CoS. The Church of Scientology has committed crimes against humanity, against free speech, and against the masses who unified in an effort to bring down the corrupt practices of an evil empire. The singularly unified voice of Anonymous, a unregulated unofficial band of people who wave the banner of freedom and justice for all, has been fighting the good fight for a few years now with their biggest protest on 2/10/2008 which was the birthday of the late Lisa McPherson. The other biggest day of protest was 3/15/2008 which was birthday of the late L. Ron Hubbard, founder and leader of the Church of Scientology until he died and passed the baton on to David Miscavige.

I encourage everyone to do their own research, but as I have done mine, I'll share with you some of my favorites:

Why We Protest

Why Are They Dead?

Xenu TV

If you want to do less reading and more watching of videos, I've compiled a list of videos that will explain a lot of what you'd read on these websites. I encourage everyone to think about these things and while some of it may seem silly, melodramatic, or strange; be open minded and try to understand what is going on. This is not about the funny kids in masks, or the pirate costumes, or anything like that. This is about exposing and debunking the corrupt Church of Scientology.

Here are some videos, I encourage you to ask questions and watch more than what I post here and seek out the answers yourself.

Message to Scientology - A message from Anonymous to Scientology.

Who We Are - A message from Anonymous about who they are.

Call To Action - Another message by Anonymous detailing who Anonymous is and what they're goals are.

The Un-Funny Truth About Scientology - Smoothmedia mini-documentary about Scientology.

Scientology Crazy Followers - Members of the Co$ ruthlessly interrogate the camera man using ad hominem tactics. Although hard to believe, this is not a remote incident.

January Anonymous Protest - A video by Anonymous listing charges against the Co$.

The Anonymous Protest Scientology - A video blogger reports on Anonymous protesting Co$.

Anonymous Scientology Protest Philadelphia, PA June 14 - An ambassador of Anonymous explains what Anonymous is doing and a bit of history on protesting.

Anonymous Protests Scientology - 10th February 2008 - London - Footage by Anonymous from the protests that occurred globally, this is the protests in London.

Tom Cruise Scientology Video - This is a promotional video made by the Co$ that was not meant for the public. It was leaked sometime in 2008 and has since then struggled to stay on the Internet. The Co$ does not want people to see it, from their perspective it's considered "out-gradient" which is a term they use to describe a concept that if someone sees something before they're ready that it will not be accepted by the viewer. As far as Anonymous is concerned, the Co$ just doesn't want you to know how absolutely ridiculous the corrupt organization is.

There's a lot more videos that I would like to post, but I think most of you would be overwhelmed by all the links to videos. I think what's important is that you understand who Anonymous is, why they are protesting, and why they have to wear masks.

If you don't understand something, research it. Think for yourself, it's one of the few freedoms they cannot take away from you unless you let them.

Until next time,
De Facto

NaNoWriMo 2009

2009-10-03T03:53:00.000-05:00

For those who are not familiar with the name NaNoWriMo, it's short for National Novel Writer's Month and you can visit the official website here. Every October, the NaNoWriMo website opens up with brand new material and freshly cleaned and archived forums as resources to help NaNo writers prepare for their novel. I am no exception, and this is my third year making a serious attempt at writing a novel. In 2006, I made a meek yet honest attempt finished the month with a mere 4, 500 on a title-less novel. In 2007, I wrote my first novel, Deadkeepers, which I finished the month with 36,000+ words and continued writing until I had finished the story. Oh, and in case you didn't bother to check the website; the significance of the word count is how a novel is defined. A novel, for purposes of NaNoWriMo is defined as literature consisting of 50,000 words. I had originally planned to write a novel in 2008, but took a break since I had to figure out my priorities and NaNoWriMo fell to the bottom of that list last year. This year I'm coming back to NaNoWriMo with tenacity. I'm inexhaustibly pumped up about this story I've got worked up in my brain. Let me give you a summary:

Katonda and Jamie are a young married couple just weeks into their second year of marriage. Katonda is an American-born Ugandan immigrant who works for his dad as the regional technical department head and his father is the owner of a major lumber industry. Jamie is a stay-at-home wife who is very active in her community. She attends city counsel meetings regularly, reads books to children every Tuesday and Thursday morning at the library, and travels to neighboring cities to give talks about the book she wrote on getting active in local politics. But did I mention that she has a disability? I haven't worked out which disability yet, but it prohibits her from walking extended distances without assistance of either a cane, a wheelchair, or someone to offer support. I hope you all are starting to see some familiarities in the story summary, as it is analogous to our walk with Christ and the romance that His Bride and Him share.

What I need is a little help from everyone and anyone who reads this. Given the summary, can you all suggest some possible title names? I know coming up with a title may seem trivial, but really I've found that coming up with a title gives me something tangible to work with and helps me focus on what's so important about this. Folks, I may not be a great writer, but I can never learn to be better if I don't keep writing and receiving constructive criticism. Help me get the ball rolling by contributing your ideas for a title based on the summary I gave you. If I base the title completely or partially on your suggestion, you will be mentioned and thanked in my dedication page.

What Am I Becoming?

2009-09-24T14:56:00.000-05:00

Anyone who bothers to get to know me knows that I have problems with my family. What people often refuse to believe or don't understand is just how bad it is. You see, my parents seem to live in a state of denial. Despite my best efforts to pull the veil from over their eyes; no positive results have come of it. For years it was petty bickering between my siblings and I, me being the one who was always wrong. I don't know why, but for whatever reason my parents would yell at my siblings, thinking that a good shouting-match would solve the problem. When I came to them and complained about my siblings they would tell me that I needed to just deal with it and that it was apart of growing up. They were wrong.

My parents think they know, they'd like to think they know me because they know what I need and want but can't afford. They buy me things from time to time, as if I hadn't made it abundantly clear that while monetary gifts and gifts of such nature are kind gestures, they speak love to me about as much as Vogon poetry. What I've communicated to them, but perhaps not successfully, is that if they want to express Love to me, then they have to listen to me. My dad can sit in a chair at 10:30 at night and listen to me sob and cry about how much I'm hurting and after a quick little "feel-good" prayer, I go off to bed feeling emotionally drained. In later years I came to the realization that as soon as I woke up the problems would be there and nothing I said accomplished anything except to let me cry a little. What a rip-off, thanks Dad! And honestly, when I try to go to my mother she just freaks out and says, "I can't deal with this right now!" then tells me to shut up and whoever else is involved to shut up as well.

Now a days, I find myself confined to my room when my siblings are home. During the summer that meant most of my day was in my room, and if I left for any reason I was sure to be insulted for one thing or another. Despite trying to make it stop, despite my pleas to my parents for change; nothing was ever accomplished. With school started, I have the majority of the day to myself, thankfully, but it is very lonely here and the only things to talk to that are even vaguely aware that I'm trying to communicate with them are my dog and my sister's cat. My dog is a loyal one, but incredibly unintelligent and spends most of her day chewing up napkins or toilet paper. My sister's cat is an abomination that should be curb stomped, because that thing spends his time running around aimlessly; scratching up the wallpaper, whining, trying to get into places he shouldn't be, and most of all just getting in my way. Once in a blue moon, my brother from another mother will come over and we'll talk a little, but as of late we don't seem to have a whole lot to talk about. We've kind of become a bit more distant in the past few years.

Lately I've noticed a change in myself, and my little brother was trying to point it out, but I only proved him right by blowing up in his face about it. I'm becoming just like my siblings. I can't seem to say anything nice about my siblings anymore. I even cussed out my little brother, which is something I'm not accustomed to doing. What is wrong with me? Why am I doing this? I feel more like an animal, just as I've always thought of my siblings more like animals than humans the way they treat me, and yet now I'm becoming the same. This is not who I am, but yet I'm behaving like an insecure little teeny-bopper. What is that all about? Perhaps the strain of living in a home that is not a safe environment without much in the way of outside support is finally causing me to snap, but I thought that I was better than that.

The thing is, I don't know how much more of this life I'm living I can take. Outside of my house, the real me flourishes. I express myself without fear of being mocked or told I'm wrong. I even break free of the serious-self that everyone assumes me to be, and embrace some silliness. Yes, I can be a bit melodramatic, but what's the fun in living life in mediocrity? Outside of my house, I feel safe enough to express the big heart that I hide away from the scary monsters in my house. People who saw me at home, who only knew me from one setting or another outside of my house, would not recognize me. In my home, I'm a scared, dejected, and rejected little child who eats, sleeps, and does the chores his mother assigns him. I can't seem to escape the darkness that clouds this house and even on days that appear to be good, something goes horribly wrong and the day, like every other, becomes rather gloomy and hopeless.

And I Thought My Jokes Were Bad...

2009-09-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

When a white man talks poorly about black man, regardless of what the white man says, it's racist. When a man talks poorly about a woman, regardless of what the man says, it's sexist. When a straight person talks poorly about someone with uncertain sexual orientation, regardless of what the straight person says, it's homophobic. And when a Christian says something about someone of another faith, regardless of what the Christian says, it's religious discrimination. But when anyone says something about Christianity that is negative or offensive to Christians, it's considered exercising religious freedom. This is the standard for tolerance.

Tolerance, the very word puts a foul taste on my tongue and offends me like the most profane words uttered in the darkest lyrics of music. On the surface, tolerance sounds very exciting and like something we should all strive for; but the methodology and undertones of application of such a thing are anything but noble. When I was visiting the high school I was going to finish up my school year with, it was also the day of President Obama's inauguration. Everyone was glued to the television and my tour guide, an old friend from elementary school was bashing conservatives, the Republican Party (which I could care less about), and likened supporting Former President Bush to a blind lamb headed to the slaughter. He turned to me with a sheepish grin and asked if I was one of those conservative Republicans, and at first I cringed at the idea of being associated with the spineless rabble known as the Republican Party, I said yes and then quickly added a quote from Nietzsche to the effect of, "The most dangerous thing you can teach your children is to think lesser of those who think differently than you."

This dramatic moment elicited a response from the teacher of the journalism class I was in, an outspoken lesbian and supervising teacher of the school's Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) club. She looked at me with an impressed crooked grin and said, "You sound like a pretty tolerant individual." After that I turned away and watched the procession on the television, hiding my disgust. For the record, I did not lie to anyone when I quoted Nietzsche and implied that that was what I believe. I believe it is important to educate children in such a way that they can entertain other people's ideas without agreeing with them. A person cannot make a logical decision without being able to see their options, and therefore if a child is not trained how to entertain ideas that are not their own, then they cannot make a conscious choice of what ideas are in fact theirs and what are ideas spoon-fed to them. This, my friends, is what the knowledgeable world calls, "Indoctrination."

The concept and the name, Tolerance, seem to contradict each other. The Left teaches a concept and calls it tolerance, but it is anything other than its name. We have seen this with responses to criticism of the Healthcare Plan. Most well known is probably Former President Jimmy Carter's blanket remark that criticism of President Obama is the result of racism on the part of the Right. This type of ignorance and irrational slander is infectiously spreading throughout the Left and its followers. The perversity of this kind of thinking is blatantly obvious, and if one does not see it, then that is likely because they refuse to see it. The Right is not racist, and I for one have nothing against the color of President Obama's skin. In fact, the other day I was discussing with my best friend how President Obama would be the kind of guy I would hang out with and simply agree to disagree with when it came to politics. He's smart, funny, bold, and a family man; what's not to like about that? Politically though, I couldn't be more opposed to him unless he openly denied my rights laid out the Bill of Rights.

After that exhausting rant, I'd like to switch gears and point out that I have provided links to a few different sites that I write for. The first one is my AllPoetry page. AllPoetry.com is a website for poets who want a place to post their poetry and receive comments from other poets on them. They're are contests for best poetry under various types of criteria, articles on how to write poetry, and much much more. I linked to it because I thought that some of you would be interested in reading my poetry and lyrics. I make a disclaimer here and now that the content of my poetry ranges from a G to PG-13 and to some, even R. Poetry is an outlet for my emotions, so I forewarn you all that not all of my poetry is saintly, but none of it is profane or obscene.

The next two are Star Trek themed Role-Playing Games (RPGs) also called simulations or sims. The general idea of an RPG/Sim is that each individual helps tell a collective story, a joint story as some have come to call it. With Federation Space, players take on a persona of Starfleet, Romulan Naval, or Klingon Imperial officer. Players are assigned to a starship, where they role play their custom designed character as being an officer aboard that starship. Players accumulate points for the quality of their posts along with whether or not their posts contributed to the overall story. The other one, Star Trek: Megiddo, takes place in the fictional region of space known to Star Trek fans as the Gamma Quadrant. Megiddo is the name of the colony established in a region of the Gamma Quadrant unknown to the Federation until a starship was transported there by a wormhole, similar to the way the wormhole was discovered in the Star Trek series, Deep Space Nine. Players here have a bit more versatile roles than on Federation Space, in that they can play an officer of Starfleet, a Romulan officer, or they can play any number of races as a civilian on the colony. Players do not earn points like on Federation Space, and promotions are given only once every two months (Federation Space has promotions and medal award ceremonies every month). Players on Megiddo are awarded promotions solely at the recommendation of their commanding officer.

I know I may have just convinced some of you that I'm an absolute nerd, and while I am intellectually a nerd; Star Trek is simply something I grew up with and couldn't help but like it. I mean, honestly? What 5 year-old boy wouldn't love spaceships blowing each other with bald guys running shouting in a very British accent, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the U.S.S. Enterprise." Anyways, I really like Star Trek, and if you don't like it then you can practice tolerance and just deal with it. ;)

Live long and prosper, I mean, until next time,
De Facto

Playing Match-Maker

2009-09-15T23:05:00.000-05:00

Earlier this evening a friend was feeling down, and so I devised a plan to cheer her a up a little. You see, I know this guy who loves her to death. He's just crazy about her and can't stand being without her, and not in the clingy annoying type- no, he just has this infatuation with her that's infectiously pure and honest. Heck, he doesn't just waltz into her house when he's invited over, he actually stands at the door and knocks until she answers it. What does he want from her? A relationship, you know, the kind where you're open and honest about everything to the point where the couple know each other like the back of their own hand. He's written a book of love letters to her, which is so many pages long that I couldn't read it in one sitting if I wanted to. The thing that's so incredible is that his father wrote their love story a long time ago, and now this guy is out to make it come true. I should clarify he has two fathers, one that was an adoptive father who took care of him as a child, and then his actual father whom he did all his work for. His adoptive father was a carpenter, and it may seem strange that a this Jewish carpenter's son would have such love for her, but the truth is; there's nothing he'd rather do than pursue her and spend his time with her.

Most of you have figured out what I'm talking about by now, and hopefully there were a few who knew what I was talking about sooner than the last couple sentences of the first paragraph. The most important thing is that you know that all that I said in the first paragraph applies to the Bride of Christ. Who is the Bride of Christ? We are, all of us who have decided to take up our crosses and followed Him. So many people forget just what it's like for Jesus, that He loves us so much He can't stand it when we neglect to spend time with Him. He's not a pervert or a clingy annoying boyfriend who sends you a million-gazillion texts a day because he has nothing better to do. No, instead he speaks to you in a still small voice that quickens your heart to come. He's not a loud or boisterous party animal who thinks that wherever He goes is His own territory (although technically it is), but instead He stands at the door of your heart and knocks. He loves to listen to you, to hear your thoughts on things and to know what worries you have. He wants the best for you in every circumstance and is willing to go the extra mile in order for you to achieve it. He wants you to tell Him every care, to cast it on Him, because He cares for you. He truly Loves you.

Now that I've shown you all how much He desires to have a relationship with His Bride, I'm going to go spend some time with Him.

Until next time,
De Facto

Do You Know Better?

2009-09-15T12:02:00.000-05:00

According to an article which was brought to my attention by the American Family Association (AFA), Mark Hourigan, a registered sex offender was ordained at the City of Refuge Worship Center in Germantown, Kentucky. This is causing quite a stir in the Christian community and among the community of those abused by their religious authoritarian figures. For me, it's also upsetting, but not for the same reason that everyone else is getting all up in arms for. It's upsetting to me that people are so quick to cast judgment on this man without even bothering to think about the type of people God uses to do His work, as if you all know what kind of person can do His work and who can't.

Yes, it's true that he was charged for sexually assaulting young boys, a crime that has caused a lot of problems in the Catholic Church. The question that all of you have to ask yourselves is, "Can people change? Can sex offenders change?" If you don't believe that people can change, then you also don't believe salvation is possible, and therefore we're all in trouble. The Bible says that when you become a disciple of Christ that you are new creature in Him, that you know the truth and truth sets you free. The Bible also says that now that we are of the Spirit of God, we are no longer of the flesh. If we are of the flesh, then we cannot be of the Spirit of God. It stands to reason that if this Pastor Mark were serious about his ordination, then he would have renounced his old ways and taken up his cross to follow Christ.

The truth is that God does not need Holy Joes and Pure Penelopes trying to work their way into positions of authority within His Church. The Church is merely the people who make up the Body of Christ, and that's all of God's children. So in that sense, we are all equals, but the Bible is clear that there are divinely given gifts called the Five Fold Gifts. We are called to use these gifts to uplift each other, but as of late leadership within Church has turned man-ward instead of Heavenward. Any leader, of anything, should be the servant of the people he or she has under their followership; that is and has been the rule of leadership since the beginning time. Unfortunately, this brand of leadership has been nearly obliterated and in its stead a selfish and power-hungry leadership structure has become commonplace.

God does not call the equipped like Holy Joe and Pure Penelope, but He equips the Called. God has called all of us to do something, but what is up to God, not you. Too many people want to be something that they are not called to be, as if they know better than God what they should be doing; God doesn't stop you, but He doesn't bless what you're doing. Another thing, which brings this whole thing back to what my point with newly ordained Pastor Mark Hourigan, is that God loves to take the wretches and filthy sinners and use them to bring Him the most glory. He took a murderer like Moses and made him the leader of the Hebrew children. He took a liar like Jacob and with tenacity and determination, blessed him and his family. He took a lowly scribes' daughter and made her queen over a nation and save the her people. He took a man like Joseph, despised and cast down into slavery by his own flesh and blood, then rose him up to Pharaoh's second in command and helped his family survive the famine. He took a prostitute like Rahab and used her to harbor the spies who eventually allowed the Hebrew children to bring down the city. He took a thief like Levi and made him into the disciple Matthew. He took a pair of fishermen like Simon and Andrew and made them into disciples. He took a murderer like Paul and made him the spiritual guardian of the Church and the author of more than half of all the books in the New Testament.

So I ask, do you know better than God who can serve as an ordained minister? Can Mark Hourigan fulfill his pastoral duties? He certainly fits the bill of a person God would take and use for this purpose. Do you know better than God?

Chasing the Wisp

2009-09-13T13:48:00.000-05:00

Ever taken on a task that you felt was so noble and worth while that you were willing to do the seemingly impossible? How much have you been willing to sacrifice to accomplish the task? If you're thinking of your walk with Christ, that's good, but not what I'm talking about. However, it does mean that in some way you can relate to how I'm feeling. Whether you are an elder in the faith, or a newborn papoose just experiencing the fullness of God's Love for the first time, you may still be able to relate based on our calling from Romans 8 to be of the Spirit of God and not of the flesh; one or the other, not both.

"Destiny is not a matter of chance. It is a matter of choice: It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved." - Jean de La Fontaine

Sometimes I want to compare what I'm doing to a lion chasing a deer, but that is quite inaccurate for I am not in hot pursuit with the promise of impending reward for such efforts. No, my task is one that is long and tiresome, but requires constant vigilance and has no promise of any reward except the whatever thrill comes of taking on the task. Granted, if I succeed at my task there is a variable element that could make my task all for naught- or perhaps not. That is the question I ask you and I will put in the terms of an analogy to explain further my dilemma. Try to not focus on individual details half as much as the overarching story, since I'm trying to be too complex a few things may throw you for a loop if you get too caught up on the finer points of it.

A baker has a successful shop in the town which he sells his goods, however the town has already expanded to it's maximum capacity and is showing signs of the population dwindling due to people relocating, lack of reproduction, and other causes not relevant to the analogy. He knows that there is a city not a great distance away where if he could relocate his business then he could maintain his successful shop. He knows a man who owns a building in this city and could easily use the building for his shop. The baker has to prepare and move all of his equipment to this city, effectively closing down his shop in the town he currently provides for. All this would take approximately two years to accomplish, but there is no guarantee that the man in this city will sell his building to the baker and if the baker cannot buy the building, then he has just lost both his bakery in the town and his ability to set-up a new shop in the city. The man who owns the building is a shrewd business man and will not commit to selling his building to the baker prematurely, but instead wants to wait until the best offer comes. The baker can only do his best to offer all that he has, which means he has to sell his shop in the town in order to have enough money to offer the man in the city for the building.

Now, given the analogy what would you do being the baker?

I Will Never Forget, Will You?

2009-09-11T01:57:00.000-05:00

I've only told a handful of people my 9/11 story. Lots of people have told stories about where they were and what happened when they found out, but not me. For reasons I'd rather not go into at this time, I can tell you that I felt more connected to 9/11 than anyone else around me. I felt this way because I was around the news nearly all day every day. Before I get too far, I'll back up and tell the story from the beginning.

It was a normal day for the most part, the day after my birthday, I had just turned 11. I was biking to school as I had done every day and was unaware of what had happened in New York. There was a woman and her son that I often saw as we crossed the busy road with guidance of the safety patrol. Her young 2nd grader (or was it 1st?) was muttering about how he hoped his grandpa was okay. This kid was a spoiled brat as far as I was concerned, but in an attempt to be charitable (loving), I asked him what he meant. He told me that some kind of explosion had happened in New York and that his grandpa was in the area where it had happened. "What?!" I asked in disbelief. The mother was quite beside herself, puffing away at her cancerettes, she managed to form semi-cohesive sentences to the effect of, " There was a plane crash and an explosion and people are dead or dying and the whole world is in chaos." She turned away from me and walked away.

I was dumbstruck. What she meant? No. Flippin'. Clue. I thought maybe it was some cruel joke, another part of me thought maybe there had been a really bad car crash and a car exploded like in the movies. When I got into class the television was on and everyone was silent except for a few girls who were sniffling and trying to keep their crying to a dull roar. My teacher, one of the most patient and understanding men I've ever known, was quite beside himself although he didn't show it like that crazy mom taking her kid to school. He let us watch for about a half an hour or so, long enough for us to get an idea of what was happening. After that we wrote down how we were feeling, what our thoughts were, and our prayers. I remember half the class kept asking how to spell "Osama Bin Laden" and "Al-Qaeda." At the time I thought Al-Qaeda was a person.

I remember going home; that was pretty much the only thing my family watched. The news. It didn't matter which station since they were all covering the same story, but at the time it was tuned to CNN. I remember eating popcorn while my mom cried as she watched video taken earlier in the day of people thrashing around in the ash and debris dust clouds trying to find their away from the buildings. I remember thinking it was a really sick thing to be eating popcorn while watching that, and my mother was upset because she felt like I was unaware of what was happening. Obviously, she was wrong, and I couldn't have been more aware of what was happening unless I had been there. All I could think of was this attack on the World Trade Center buildings and how much I hated Bin Laden. There was nothing in the world that I wanted more than to see that man die some way that was painful, and televised for all the world to see. I had dreams about him, the World Trade Center buildings, and all kinds of things like that. I also had the song, "Only Time" by Enya stuck in my head thanks to a virulent video that floated around the Internet which really put my mother in a foul mood every time she watched it. It was basically a slide show of horrible images from the attack to the aforementioned song.

Over the years, I feel like people are starting to forget, or at least they're starting to "move on" as if there was anything to move on from. The buildings are gone. GONE! 2,740 Americans obliterated by a single event, not to mention the 236 non-Americans dead, not even half of which were people who were apart of the attack. I understand it if people don't want to be groveling in their sorrow all day today, but honestly if we could take more than 59 seconds to reflect on that day... Reflect on what happened that morning and give thanks to God that we are still alive and that we still remember. We have lost so much from that attack, but also gained so much more. Thinking back to that time, I remember how united we were as a people. I don't think I've ever seen such unity in America as that. I don't think I've ever seen so many nations unified as they were during that time. I remember seeing footage of some young women from Norway (I think) who were just sobbing their eyes out as they trembled and held their vigil candles. I remember seeing large crowds in England gathering, crying, hugging, and just expressing their deepest sadness.

I'm sitting upright in my bed typing this, beginning to feel very emotional as these memories become more vivid to me. I believe this is important. Remembering more than just the deaths, more than just the destruction, but remembering the unity we had. Remember our resolve to "find those bastards" as Former President George W. Bush said. If we forget, we spit on the graves of all those innocent people who died. Regardless of who was behind the attacks, as some still argue there is ambiguity, the fact is that it happened and it was real and what happened afterward was real too. We cannot deny that much without denying reality.

Below are a couple graphics I composed using the image and adding text. If you're easily offended the second picture may strike you as crass.

Never Forgetting, Never Forgiving,
De Facto

When I Was Five

2009-09-08T18:42:00.000-05:00

When children are five there are so many things about them that just boggle adult minds. The way they are so ignorant to the way the world really works, and have such simple solutions to complex problems. They're so innocent and understand nothing of evil or of wrong motive. They only know what they see at home, on their television, and in their preschool class. They have such impressionable minds and are so trusting to those who are kind, yet at the same time they can sense when someone has ill intentions as if it were a sixth sense. A five year old is probably the pinnacle of human innocence colliding with human potential and intelligence. A five year old reasons like an adult, but because they do not know everything an adult knows they reason within the limited scope of their knowledge. Just talking about this makes me long to be a five year old again, maybe it's nostalgia, or maybe it's because I was being developed into a precocious child. Whatever the reason, there's one thing I don't regret doing at that age that was something I couldn't fully understand being as young as I was.

For whatever reason, I always asked my mom who I was going to marry. I asked her that question over and over, completely unaware of how complex of a question it was that I was asking. She would always tell me to pray for my future wife because only God knew who that was. Over the years I have kept that up sporadically, more so in these past few years than in my childhood, but all the same I didn't completely abandon the practice. When I think about it now I can't imagine what prompted me to even ask about my future wife except for the simple fact that perhaps God had given me, from such a young age, the desire to be a husband. That may seem far fetched to some of you who read this, but God talks about knitting us together in our mother's womb in Psalm 139 and so if then He knits us together, would that not also include our hopes, dreams, and aspirations?

When I was in 8th grade, or 15 years of age, I began to keep a journal to my future wife. I'm not sure why, but before this journal I have never been able to keep one. I had tried to keep journals/diaries, but in the end they would be forgotten and left behind for me discover years later and end up in the garbage. This one was different however, and I've been keeping it for almost four years now. When I started it, I wasn't sure what to write. I wrote all kinds of crazy things that I don't even want to repeat because it'll only make me want to burn that journal more. I'm a lengthy writer, and I eventually filled up one, then two, and today I'm on volume six of my journal to future wife. This one will take longer to fill, since it has more pages and I don't write as often or as much as I used to. What I've written in it has drastically changed. I used to talk about what I want in life, but now I talk about what I have in life and thank God for the blessings He has given me.

My hope is that when my future wife finishes reading the entire collection she'll see where I've come from and understand how much I grew over the years. If you don't know what I mean, I'll paint you a picture... I was so immature when I first started writing in the journal to my future wife that now I have to restrain myself from burning it because it is so embarrassing to think that I'm going to let someone who is stuck with me for the rest of her days read that horrible mess of childish writings. Anyway, so I've been writing in this, and although I do still pray for my future wife, I spend more time writing. I'm not sure if it's a bad thing that I spend more time writing to her than I do praying for her, but honestly there is only so much I can say and even then I can't pray in tongues indefinitely.

Well, that's pretty much all I have to say on the subject matter. This and other similar topics have been on my mind and I needed to kind of vent some of it, so I thought a blog entry would be fitting.

Until next time,
De Facto

P.S. - Here's a little graphic I composed with a picture, text, and icon sticker.

An Apology (In the most archaic sense of the word)

2009-09-04T06:06:00.000-05:00

Recent events have led to the inevitable, and although I have made previous attempts to set up blogs for such purposes and all that. It was not until a concerned parent raised unfounded claims against me over a note I had written on Facebook that I realized that there were too many lazy eyes wondering around getting their noses into business that doesn't concern them. The truth always wins out and all the accusations against me were cleared almost an hour after being raised against me, but I didn't and won't forget incident, instead I will learn. It's sad that good people will inconvenience me to satisfy their superstitious ignorance all in the name of God. Surely, this cannot be the same God that I worship, can it? Unfortunately, it is so. But enough about them, they've already gotten more credit than is due to them.

This blog will be where I post my serious thoughts. Some of them I may copy over to Facebook, because not everyone who checks my profile will visit this blog, but some will. Still, I can't begin to describe the utter frustration I feel knowing that I had to setup a whole blog just to avoid being lumped in with devil worshipers, witches, wizards, warlocks, goons, bafoons, and the likes of which become absurd if mentioned. The surest sign that evolution does not exist is the fact that humans are still capable of irrational judgments based on fear and ignorance.

For the record, Homeward Bound Theatre Company and it's staff, affiliates, and otherwise connected associates cannot be held responsible for any content posted on this blog. They are not to be contacted regarded grievances against what is posted here. Complaints can posted as comments on my blog. I invite criticism that is correctly spelled and grammatically sound, profanity free, and constructive. There is no need for tearing down fellow brothers and sisters, as there are already enough enemies out to tear us down. We need to embrace love and truth in order to be unified. I cannot make anyone do this, however I can lead a horse to water.

Anyways, I've made my apology (archaic use of the word.) How about yours?

Sincerely,
De Facto